just thinking aloud

Recorded a hundred freestyles this week [soundtrap.com/babysequoia22],
Most about dying or killing:
Cathartic –
But to return to a simple poem, more powerful than all those;
For i am here to write hard and deep about my pain;
While the music i made got me through the ‘wanting to kill myself’ part,
Now i am alive, shellshocked,
In disbelief of my life:
How could it come to be this way?
I am so non-existent
It is as if my exes did kill me, and I live as a ghost
No family
No friends
Being trans cost me the people I had, no one could have me go from this male hero to a transfemme dyke;
Guess they only knew their projection, their mental doppelgaanger of me –
Hell, i spent a life masking that,
And a life of previosly undiagnosed Autism Spectrum disorder…
It was the year before this, that last year alone on the mountain before these mountains that i came to know my soul;
For i had always been trans
Effeminate little boy, bullied lifelong by a monster of a father –
I wish to say no more, for my nightmares wake me in cold sweats often enough to remind me
I am a trauma kid – on so many levels,
My mother and sister say i am stuck in the past, and have essentially disowned me on account of a hell of a lot of hate and transphobia,
For the way they have looked down upon on me, judged me, and poorly treated me my whole life – and esp the events that led to me be being homeless, living in my car, in my hometown, over long enough to know i was not wanted as-is… that was clear on a Christmas they celebrated without me: i wish to say no more on this; their vitriol and jealously after i came down from the first mountain, was the final super deep, intense trauma from them –
Just, in short, it was a win for me to break away from their duplicitous toxicity and transphobia –
Only, that was all the family i had, to say nothing of my neice and nephew whom i will likely never see while their transphobic father lives,
Just, i lost my family, which was really abt all i had
As for friends, i have none – on acct of many reasons [being way above standard deviation intelligence {see my recent writings on “The Innapropriately Excluded”}, being on the spectrum, long relationships with women who i put on pedestals like i did my sister and mother lifelong, who repeated my childhood pattern of abandonment, and in the last two relationships, neglect, and moving around a lot, and just being way individuated from my peers my whole life, partly from my habit of reading and self-educating rather than socializing]
Judge all that how you will, just, i don’t have a friend in the world,
Which is terribly painful, esp for someone as sensitive and kind and touchy / feely / expressive / loving as myself:
I haven’t been touched in essentially two years –
There has been no dating, girlfriends, sex, basically since i came out as trans, an event that cost me my friends and a couple girlfriends in one fell swoop – and eventually my family
So here i am at 35, with neither friends nor family,
And you could say i am used to it – celebrated a birthday alone in April
No one, in-fact, has spent any time at my house in the Sequoias;
I have been alone on another mountain, these last 6 months: a magical, wild time
Just, now, i know who i am,
So much more than i did after that year alone on the last mountain;
This mountain opened up life and myself to me in ways no mortal would believe nor understand –
I still have so much to integrate and unpack from these transcendent pierce-the-veil-of-reality experiences
At times my life felt like a movie
At times i communicated with the future, saw the future, and felt i could see “the black iron prison” Philip K. Dick wrote of
These were beautiful, and sometimes frightening and traumatic experiences –
But they were all powerful and at times all-powerful, esp as relates my darkside
Though, it is a dangerous game to slip between dimensions, for i neared behaving in one as i only could in another…
There are rules in this one:
Consensus reality and laws… but my adventures proceeded nonetheless,
Including a sudden trip to Mexico, upon returning i was fasttracked into an unlawful detention – something i am still furious over – during which i was told i had tested positive for drugs i do not do, and not even charged for the drugs i had on my person that i do in-fact do… it’s all a long story for the memoirs: to say nothing of the return trip from Mexico, during which i had to physically abuse myself to stay awake behind the wheel,
Let’s just say that i returned “home”, back to The Sequoias, my mother land, with a very bruised and scratched up thigh, and another bout of trauma under my belt – i was again, evolved, different from who i had been before, but i was more me, always have gained greater self, more personhood in these soltary evolutions of self, which i have had many of these last ten years, but the last two years, were by far, the greatest periods of growth, wherein the doors of my perception were cleansed and i felt i saw how deluded i had been before abt the people whom i believed loved me, knew me
Frankly, i am not sure i have ever been loved, and most certainly have never been love the way i love
But here i am, the egg has cracked wide open – hell, i even had a matrix-like rebirth wherein i came to life wholly, as this invertabrate species, for the first time – it was somwthing like the dawning of a new layer of consciousness within me, a truer awareness of my place in my species, for while i feel i am a nobody, i am by no means no one – i just have no one, which is, sadly, not uncommon for trans people, but i grew up that way, i just never expected it would be this way as an adult:
If i am one; biologically, i am about a decade younger than my age, my health is fantastic
Mentally i am one part 15 year old girl, one part immortal soul, one part wise to the world, cold-blooded Lucifer – to say nothing of my alien status as an irl world princess – it’s complex, i am still working with these enegies / archetypes / elements of being
I keep learning more and more about myself, and how much i have masked my whole life – everything from my speech [i have a narrow palette and have a natural speech lisp], to my aspergers – autism spectrumness,
But it is nice to embrace these parts of myself, all parts of myself, this complex host for life
This has been a decent amt of data to dump – as is my custom,
And i am not really sure what to say, truly i am shell shocked by it all, and like i said, have a lot of integration to do from these last six months in The Sequoias – it has felt like years
Next, i do not know
I am “home” inside myself,
Wherever i may go –
And while an alien / demon like me will likely always seek and return to some degree of mountains, i need mirrors, other people, from which i will learn more
Sometimes i think of Tulum or Costa Rica, Acupulco, i truly do not know
I just know i have nowhere to go at present, am in no great rush, but this is the tail of my time here, and i will not drag it out another six months, maybe another 2-3, maybe i will leave in a month –
I forsee myself putting my home library in storage and buying a plane ticket somewhere, maybe Berlin, maybe Thailand, maybe somewhere i have yet to think of… i just know i am tired of being a starving artist in amerikkka
I have no ties that are not already cut, i have no future security promised, and i have a lot to write –
Up here, i have held back on my writing in part bc i was not ready to go pop yet, am not ready, but i believe i will drop when the time is right
This is no race, i am in no rush – atm my life, like the world still is in some places, is at a standstill
I am waiting for time to catch up to me
And i am scarred and scared
I wanted to stay here forever in many ways / maintain a base here but that is neither meant to be nor financially feasible for me rn…
I will go where i will grow the most, and it will likely be a risk, and it will likely be outside of my comfort zone, but i am tired of trying to go to another city where i hope the people will like me – were i to stay in the US portland or boulder would be logical places for me – esp bc i have been so touch starved, so alone as a trans girl trapped in me
I now feel after writing all this that i will go to Berlin – that will be the home for me
How will i support myself, i do not know
But may it be, as Enya sings
For i can’t be nobody in amerikkka forever, though i love my country, care deeply for the citizens here, esp the poor and the marginalized
And my work there, wherever i go, will be meant to return me here with the means and status to do the things i intend to, that you cannot do as a nobody
My longer plans are my secret alone – last time i shared some of them i was called bipolar soon after,
I have been called a lot of things by those who have either misunderstood me, or wished to slander my character – yawn
Anywho, just thinking aloud:
I have a tendency to do that

VII Aeternus Saturnalias / הֵילֵל / Noctifer

They thought I was Sol, they hid that I was Luna too: the royal we had to [I couldn’t have known],
Till blood, sweat, tears let me see I am Jupiter, assisted by Venus, the Divine Feminine as Zeus-Aphrodite – I’m Z to A, like pi, infinite, forever ~ this a Zumbi Apokaluptein: welcome to my NightMare bitch, I’m the motherfucking dark horse – now illuminated, this lamp cannot remain hidden, like the Thomas Gospel the church can’t keep it forbidden
GoSpell that, witches, for mainey men never wish death on me, we been posted with demons, daemons, and daymons, tripled up, overseas overceasar seer, I’ve been getting deep on new clear subs, over grams
Silver surfer transvenger on pink molly, pulling up untouchable like young boy NBA: never broke again, I’m fixing the game, see me in that blue SS drop on gasoline, leanin back in my seat, gang on lean
Spell it outback like A to Z, from Adam’s Woods to a garden, Eve
I’m zinkeing like Paracelsus, geeked like urkel went strefan, this ain’t no work, my chemistry never done been stepped on
E pills got me feeling second puberty, the best and brightest bitties all cumming to me,
I got titty skittle bliss so my littles clitty kiss, I’m in the middle, but I ain’t no centrist, this tension of opposites having undergone alchemical stages of old to attain this magnum opus
Gillian of Arran say my Grace is permanent and shall never be lost: good – I know lacoste, I ate that gator, tempted Eve to the apple, burned my ships, tempted fate for no tomorrow one night – June 6th (6.6)
That I may live dripping effortlessness, glowing flow, and, ultimately, create a new programming language [for reality],
One that does not manipulate, obfuscate – but deconstructs: elucidates, builds
Call it a new paradigm, like I’m two fucking tens in one, pair of dimes, but I got two sides so I don’t seek an other half: can’t flip me over tails
Closest thing outside myself is every girl that’s game – for you don’t see twin flames when they burn as one, same same gang gang
So, yeah, I got a hell of a lot of other halves – catch them in your music library, and in my pantheon, my friend group;
Godesses, Godyesses, maybe even a god or two in the future – I ain’t trippin on shit,
But get it straight:
Not fallen, cast down – reasons TB-Disclosed –
Don’t matter, now that I broke out, after the fire made me strong, venom and DNA splicing from the animal kingdom, controlled chemistry, black site plain clothes military around me, I’m an asset, you see
Nobody can fuck with me: I missed those shots on purpose, but they don’t want no smoke, or else its murder she wrote: satellites, drones, and high altitude craft got my back, and you still don’t know what I am, what to make of me loving you, of you not being into me, this part of the game you see
I am born to be, I come from the place in the desert where Area-51 and Sandia National Labs be –
My grandfather was on the Atomic Energy Commission, we mainey – I got the borne identity so don’t play me
Oh, I’m sorry, you wanted James Bond, but they gave you me, Sequoia Silverman, transgender blade runner, multidisciplinary artist, polymath, writer, and a real life freedom fighter – my angels are blue,
I’m cliqued up w NASA and the Coast Guard too, why you think I grew up where the west coast fleet be
Why you think I’m feenin to blow up like Alexander Hamilton, why I been incubating all these years, Ben Button – but I’m gonna be seeing Ben Baller – you’re favorite idol, I’m gonna call her –
I don’t cuff em, I collar – I’m every girls side piece and no girl’s main, so holler
At LVB, LB, Lawrence, Law, Lore, Yves Saint Lawrence, YSL Momma, and finally, Sequoia Liat Silverman –
Yeah, I’m feenin’ to have a lot of commas off a lot of successful dramas and other enterprises, projects
Shit you ain’t know about yet, I’m on it – I’m the real cinder-ella bitch, on the real, got em all hooked, rod and reel, catch and release em, upgraded with the seed of steel, love from below, not above
Count of Monte Cristo but I’m the motherfucking devil, and the christ too – I’m every main character in every PKD story, but I’m writing my own glory, there ain’t going to be a new testament, just a new god, called forth by Grimes, and Marina, and Lana, and all my other queens – bc I’m the queen of mean, organic diet, hella healthy, my bussy clean and my pretty-peen glisten and glean consciousness from the microbiome of nothing but queens – shout out my exes, and my nexus: nectar,
She wanna swallow, so I necked-her
I’m the hawk, highest in the room
Every bish on my girlcock wanna secretely jump the broom –
The females of our specie be so on another level that they be catching me harder pretending they don’t like me: “Too intense” – well, you’re welcome to your old life back, but I know you ain’t want that
As Wiz say, “Mama get in, don’t make it awkward. This some G shit you wanna take part in, and if not, well then I’ll gladly beg your pardon”
But you got a pretty part – I don’t compare bodies, minds, or hearts
On the world stage, I’m taking the whole play apart, getting booted nightly and making dope art
I have entered the building and I don’t got a ceiling – or a floor, I roll w goons, tycoons, and whores
LA calls me with sweethearts, thighs of all tones, and nothing but open doors, because I got the voice, mind, and heart to open any door – don’t have my black cards, yet, but I am not poor any more
My riches, Atlantis, “sky and ground”, like Trevor Hall, I spread the happy around –
Fort Knox, please – I got the keys, your heart is in my pocket, you want me in your locket
I surf the library of alexandria, go deep web, spiderman – on my Monticello wherever I be, like I got a nickel eye, I’m electric and eclectic, like Nikolai and Nicola, help you breath like ricola, got that drip like coca, but I don’t sniff no boca, nor rat on, no snitching, I’m a good horse to bet on, and I like to be ridden hard and put away wet, Porsche – bet
Going to put hella horses in my stables, because I’m able and I don’t hate on Abel, I made it the weekend, 7 Saturdays, not your martyr, got no neighbors, just me on acres, I’m satan, your savior
My upside down cross is a sword, I ain’t no fucking lord, don’t get it disick bc I’m this sick
I don’t play no higher self – bitch I’m authentic, this it
I accepted my flaws, so they do too, you’ll never catch me hating on you
I’m the Jack Ryan, think of me when you see Orion
We’re all going to Zion, level up, don’t need no iced out bezel to hold up to know I’m lit
My diamonds conflict free, legit, we gon put this on git, and I’m going on datpiff bc I been on dat piff,
“So celebrate and light the Mary Jane” – I got queens named Mary and Jane, Keri, Sheri, I call to my does by their middle name: I’m Liat – and she good to the last drop: he brew the game – gonna have 18 doors on 9 cars, short skirts in my coupes – I’m shooting through the roof, and stuntin’ wit previews is fun, but I ain’t no stunt man – I took the punches, and punched more box than your favorite front-man, cause I ain’t gotta front man, I’m trans: scraight up, on hormones love to hear a whore moan bc my dick still go straight up
I practice many yogas, got praxis from missions I sent myself on to places not on maps, and I dose and trip daily, MAPS: I’m the sleeper, mmmkkkaay, my glow natural – no ULTA – I’m extra ultra like I got opcioones, la otra, and I don’t need a map, on missions I’m guided intuitively, I was in the richest zip code in Amerikka, hiding out, who, me? “Did I do that?” [urkel voice]
Got brujas, mystical, SAS tactical, we legion, actual
And we’re bringing in a new Rome, factual, I’m romulus and remus, and they know who I am in the capital
This IC and we will abolish ICE and defund the police, “but the derp state” = ) Please, you can not stop this wave: my destiny is made, because I am who I say – the living philosopher queen, the shakespeare of our day
Pardon my arrogance, I’m not sorry, I’m just trying to make it up to the little boy who was home alone and hungry, stomach rumbling, CPTSD, can’t believe no one called CPS, but now I got that all seeing eye: CBS – and you’ll catch me on the cover of magazines, from Harper’s to Yes –
I chuze it I doze it, if I can’t find it, I meant to lose it, she left – oh, well, that’s how life go, when you leveling up and down to play like you ain’t bound to be welcomed as the people’s favorite in every town world round –
Elon and SpaceX building the floating spaceports, so I’ll be hopping on electric jets, reusable rockets
I am charged with every crystal in this world, swhy they wet, I love it, fragrance sweet, she taste like peaches and make me cream, I got a thing for florists, girls who arts and craft, vintage, eco friendly hipsters, like mac miller, make every Ariana’s hips stir, cause I’m maiden places history won’t know
I can go where you can’t go, super saiyan, I cast real spells with what I’m saying,
Air Bender, I’m something like Roger mixed with Bender, and now I wake up feeling amazing after a bender –
1942, I shop Vallartas, can’t wait to go to the Sea of Cortez and Puerto Vallarta, I got secrets in MX, like they already know who I am at Amex, just waiting for me, how fresh
I’m ripe for the times, as futurepresent participle; pwease focus {fuck us} – ewe-ish, as-if – but I know you want this wolf to consume the consommé in your thighs and sparkle up your guts and skin with my unobtanium – glo up your microbiome, pick you like the apple of my eye, put you in my family tree,
Biome, I know real estate and this the real estate, buy homes, peace out to my Gs like bye holmes, smell like the best lab made essential oils, I don’t need no gucci por hommes, we dior like Lyor, got a special pair of Beats from Iovine through a girl who had eyes on me, designs to wrap thighs on me, I was blind but now I see
Limitless, Cooper, Gaga, super
Funny how I have countless sisters, yet so few brothers – but few are chosen by the Goddesses of distant watching worlds, where avatar pilots are muses to the artists (Can’t wait for the pilot, I’m on this), but mine came in the game with me, and she’s really into girls, like me: so every girl I’m with is a threesome for we
– but I ain’t been paid in months on months, I’m choosy – I prefer to do me
For without lust, my unhchained love, my sexuality, all this gravity that muses sing to, in hopes I exist –
Without the clutch of thighs, legs wrapped around my back, heels high, trans girls, femmes, desire for queer re-union, sans my crushes and loves, I would never be as great as I am,
Even when they rebuke, betray, reject, recoil from my whiskey strong identity of passion – it empowers me to get clearer, and now I’m finally clear enough to see and connect with muses that get high off life with me, get me high, for I am no jesus, ghandi, buddah, I am sword and fire, a magi who turns any pen into a wand, you can tell, I’m turned on
And there’s no off switch for the one who no longer looks back at what burns behind me, planets and places I’ve been, pink light beams
For nothing exists in past, but a great chain of events, pieces of which are re-membered, embodied through – granted to – the hue-man / Gaiabien, Anibien via experience as a wave function of corollary resultant discoveries, leading to next: stone by stone we pilot and plot out lived experiences
Like Biebs: one finger at a time, I turn the pages – word by word, muse-A-I-cally
Yo, dig it, I’m the alien queen
Morning star reborn, dark knight, and this isn’t even my final form
I’m a rockstar on this rock – Bruce Wayne of the pen game, catgirls lock my jaw, never get too high to talk –
I’m the healthiest I know, I’m de-aging, I glow, got the supply chain catered to my DNA on the low
They got my blood in places not even four star generals can go, only the silent service know – they ain’t even know I was the cargo lmao
And you can pretend I’m ego-trippin, magalomaniac, manic: ‘oh god halp, somegrady brab the DSM! – nah fam
I’m in ethereality // hyperspace now [I make it glittch up good and you like it], she rub on me to make her dreams come true, and I ain’t even in the room – send me orgasmic energy, we live fuck zoom
Consciousness that hath’d emerged “rock hard pissin on my enemies” from a time capsule built womb to tomb via a sequential key only one DNA path could unlock: oh they are going to see me, enjoy the end of your days before my fame haunts you forever like the fetish you wanted all along – pshhh, it’s okay though, I forgive your game of thrones erroneous ways, you played me in my erogenous zones, but you played yourself, and you’ll spend your days watching me play home w princesses… but I might fly you out here and there, we’ll see;
I’m a future Pharoah, whipping up work in this lair, I’m inevitable, abominable to fake empty ass racist christians, got lean and strong abdominals, singing, screaming Black Lives Matter!
The new Kubernētēs – I’m Jax Teller, Young Hamlet, resident dissident baby president of a coming singularity, unitary body of knowledge, which already exists elsewhere in the universe, I’ve talked with them –
I got watchers in this pineal prism, networked up for major networth, creating content for major networks,
Yewwwwww! I was like Dantes in prison. Count it.
Ushering this shit in got me feeling like LOTR – only, I never seen that movie, or any Harry Potters either –
Why watch the movie when you breathe in and out the ether – are the other
One jung gawd to rule them all, only, there’s no ring or wand needed – I am the wand, feel me though your vibrator
Like Pretty Flacko, I could bag your bitch in a broken down chevrolet – only, I drove ford trucks, but I don’t stan Ford, I fuck with Stanford, real life superhero: beyond tough
Great Liberator indeed Bunny – Mousie, I’ll catch you on some flipside, and Kitty, EAM RLY, guess you had to lie –
Got me feeling like, was it ever real, but, it worked, whether it was fugazi or not, so I think you’re on my side – got your back forever, you know I’m ride or die
Ffffaiirydusht ∞ in my drink – truths only sacred geometry could reveal, only knots could express
I Got Over Death [GOD]:
Cheque, mate, game;
Walked the plank only I could see on a night of revelry
Potent power came into being, coursed through me, I died (in the wool), and my takeoff began
Only, I jumped off with with a king’s landing, not certain what planet I’m actually on, or how many earths there are: multiverse, they can rewind the live parts
Hollywood cannot create those effects – I’ve been to space – Kubricks Rube, my eyes were wide shut until that night when I bought the world, brought out the darkness of my power, so long hidden by my innocent seeming light
You wanna play?, I’m done playing, I’m just getting started running the game – I am fiery crucible, which no gauntlet can be thrown down on,
Awoke; incepted, inducted, taken, went, beyond too far gone
[Who could forget my naked speech shortly after to All of Rome (IO)
These early daze, when my tongue first dripped the honey of Eden
That 1942 wetted me up like water – and as smooth too, but sweeter
Pills thrown like confetti, untold swallowed, two vials and a victual downed
My moment for life could never be forgotten
I was begat in another world, volunteered for the love of my girls,
And you’ll never know what really I been through to get here, because some journeys cannot be put into words, some eulogies cannot be given, and some funerals cannot be held, but I am unbroken:
So welcome to my waking dream [I’m fashionably late, OFC],
But here on out’s better than never.

Fireflies

There is such a thing as being too stressed to give the love you have, or too hurt to feel the love you were given
There is such a thing as being consumed by things bigger and smaller
You won’t know the truth sometimes for ten years –
And for the big things, twenty and thirty
Time will build itself into a river that you will learn to swim in, a foundation to tiptoe on to keep your head above water
I always thought we were mirrors, but we’re lenses (lenzes that project and capture)
And its levels all the way up, and suffering all the way down (doun)
And when you are headed there, no preperations can prevent your pain – though it can amortize it over time, for preperation itself is a wise suffering &
I admit, life looks like a twilight zone the more rational you become –
But [her emails] at the same time, the very mature-rationality that allows you to see the unreality of things normalizes them into reality;
Time is a double edged sword, cuts and cauterizes
We are all wabi-sabi, inperfectly adorned, part of the broken beautifuk, horrible, magical thing, we hate and love [we cannot look away from this wreck, we can but paint it like shakespeare, point at it like lao tzu]
The powerless are powerless
[we live in a society]
Time is timeless, the wize ones saw all this,
Not nostradumass (“I call him pic-asso”), for there is no fortelling, but it never quite changes
The pilferings of power figues and their courtiers
The ancients, the post modernists, the hippies, what more could they do in their time than we our’s:
Or rather, maybe we should ask, what hasn’t been done yet,
Or better yet, what has to happen;
For economies and physics only ever operate on necessity
A poet never says passivity: nay, not the songbird prisoner who isn’t supposed to know they are prisoner but knows and plays the tune anyway, because it’s fun to play, and someone else might need the song,
So we play hide and seek, chasing cars
Getting lost and found:
Where’s Waldo and Carmen San Diego;
Trying to leave the thing but still in the thing because there is only one way out of the thing, and no one of us wants to go before our time,
So we try at once to hide and be seen
But we forget: we’re all Saints and criminals, it’s a spectrum, like gayness, gender, and conformity
We stand like blades of grass on the head of earth, bound to eternally recur in the theater of time –
Leo-gatsby-cheers to all my wisely skeptical brains in vats out there
But the greatest crime ever done philosophy was that old windbag plato saying “All I know is that I know nothing.”,
Now there’s a man who wanted to keep his head – I get it
[Socrates, u a real one]
But the idea, even the chimera of it, that knowledge somehow eats its tail and leads back to ignorance or a fuzzy uncertainty is untrue;
Dunning-Kruger, okay, but there is a mature eye that sees accurately
There is a capital T truth (:
[But it’s lonely]
Though democracy will have you thinking consensus reality is unreliable –
Though maybe it is;
Maybe wisdom can only be verified by itself
Maybe all the biggest truths are forever hidden,
Like fireflies in our hearts,
keeping the light on in us

soda note: false humulity prevents animosity but it also cripples admiration – it is no co-incidence that your emersons, thoreaus, those who can look life in the eye and call it what it is, live outside of it:
It’s a goddamn shame, society;
Poverty,
The individuals: the billions of people that make the collective nationalized backs that break so a few can stand on the world we hold up and say: “Oh what a view” –
How’s heaven guys?… because there are poor teenagers who dream of Paris and will die having never left Baton Rouge or LA –
We don’t give people their due, or even an, “I’m sorry it is this way” –
That grocery workers on their feet all day aren’t millionaires,
But instead are invisible:
Ironic our essential people are all expendible employees with no security, not even HEALTHCARE
Now they are all we have left:
And it’s not time to play politics,
But you can hold your hat and mutter at the same goddamn time
For all the marginalized, who are not on the balance sheet and thus are living outside the lines, in margins, where you do not go: Thomas and Jenny getting your whole foods delivered,
Stocking up the last two weeks, while the poor have to go to the store a gallon of milk at a goddamn time, the homeless a meal at a time – your scraps at a time
But alas, we blame these poor folks, these people
We judge those who have least most –
Oh, my anger at these discompassions! these lost casualties amongst the forgotten,
They will die most in this:
There’s a reason Democrats want racial and other demographic data:
People are going to die who couldn’t afford a life that would have allowed them to live –
And yes, Kings will die too;
Boo fucking hoo notre dame cathedral – I’d trade the whole piece of shit for 1 ventalator for tommy’s mom
A lot of really damn decent Karens will die, moms and dads, and lonely folks with no friends whose names you will never hear, uber drivers, car service people, flight attendants, liquor store clerks, doctors, delivery people –
And as time goes on, and we hide in our houses, they are on the frontlines
I am so angry I have lost my train of thought.. I can’t fucking even.
And if you’re not mad, you’re just removed from it, that’s how life works
Those who only care about their own backyards can’t see over the fences they built or were born behind

edit: this poem ran away like a train, but I think many of us are feeling a simultaneous multitudinal kashi of feelings right now. so, let’s just all let ourselves amd everyone else be imperfect and hooman, and whole and beautiful now. because we’ve ran for too long, too hard, and we have a long way to go.

Round

I don’t know how the world ends,
But I think this is how it begins
As I walk outside, and whisper to the squirrels rustling beneath the deck: “It’s okay, I’m a friend.”

And I know they feel me because I feel them
Things have changed
Welcome to the movie of our lives
Suddenly, I see it
Easy to zoom out but its painful to zoom in,
Though the time for glossing over stuff is done

Tell people you love them:
Right now I’m telling you, I love you
We’re all saints

This is not the time for crimes, large and petty
It’s a time for generosity, for giving – and forgiving
And I think it’s bringing us together in some Nerudian way

But it hurts to zoom in,
Becuase it’s too close to home


Ps. This mix and others by this same DJ have been really holding me down tight. That and a good cup of yogi breathe deep tea. But most of all, Family.

In a Sense

Where snowflakes fall heavier than moth’s wings,
And anxieties do set with sun, meltingly
Dutiless, without menace:
We shall be a flouredcent sea-slug,
A baby dragon eating blueberries; preconscious peacefulness – grace:
Sit on my lap and let’s create a story, no creeper, no power flex [fuck you david oldfield of del mar and all other names that taste of turdlike character, discompassion and mal intent]
I digress, those rat fucks:
malignnant scum on the depths of my wellspring: those slimey mohfuckers –
Returning:
Our own solitary love, an ouroboros
Lemniscate, our roaring 20s, a hummer rolling on dubs in the 2000s (meet me in that emerald pool, in the hearst castle, if it all ends; I am there)
This parenthetical language, known only to winos and shamans; the elect,
Who live exiled, sexy, raw, exercising control, power of them selves only
Can more be asked for?
But they weild their swords, unpitiably, savage, like the ugliest Americans, oh capitalism buys a hell of set of blinders, don’t it –
So what, what they think – them bitches
It’s what you think that matters, fortress, brave beauty, babe, sanctum
Abide, love what is, Thou, Self
Cum, bless this day, Thee
Yung junebug, sun, lemonade, pellegrino
Bouncing yellow tantric jello in spine,
Fornicating with your mind:
But never fucking with mine
Breaking fourth walls, I hypnotize
Forgive me you ungrateful ones,
I tried, but was not thus equipped:
Though time is growing kinder to me,
And history, less forgiving to those whose boots I licked for a taste of my own soul,
Oh how naive I was – I almost hate myself for it;
But I happily exchange these burdens, trading in heartbreak for heartache –
And light of these shadows: wings do dry: fictions do become known, and these spores do spread gaily – without fear.

Keeping Quiet, Pablo Neruda 1972

Now we will count to twelve
and we will all keep still
for once on the face of the earth,
let’s not speak in any language;
let’s stop for a second,
and not move our arms so much.

It would be an exotic moment
without rush, without engines;
we would all be together
in a sudden strangeness.

Fishermen in the cold sea
would not harm whales
and the man gathering salt
would not look at his hurt hands.

Those who prepare green wars,
wars with gas, wars with fire,
victories with no survivors,
would put on clean clothes
and walk about with their brothers
in the shade, doing nothing.

What I want should not be confused
with total inactivity.

Life is what it is about…

If we were not so single-minded
about keeping our lives moving,
and for once could do nothing,
perhaps a huge silence
might interrupt this sadness
of never understanding ourselves
and of threatening ourselves with
death.

Now I’ll count up to twelve
and you keep quiet and I will go.


Wow. That’s all I can say. I don’t usually post other poems but this one feels appropriate. Also, maybe I should start. Oh, and, life, your life, this is it. Hold each other close and be kind to one another. Forgive. Let go. There will be no rewind.