Satan’s Loneliness

Woke to a map of Mexico on my desk
Newton’s world on my chest…

I am a satan to myself,
The immortal adversary
Irrational, passionate –
My most potent emotions my lowest, the finer qualities still wanting…
Would she be lucky?
My exes hate me
But now I want to know,
Genuinely want to know
What about what I was or what I wasn’t was that bad,
What made my qualities irredeemable,
What made me dead, ?lo que me mató?

I’m out here trying to birth a gentleman from wild west genetics
The pestilent past, full of fuckery, unspiritual things
And now these chips on my shoulder, these pieces of me,
How will they be turned to advantage,
How will the way out be written, seen
And will I have to die to myself too?

Are these past lovers just that classy and me that trashy…
Me not worth knowing
It’s a goddamn crime;
I wanted to be free so I pretended I didn’t have a shadow, and in doing so,
Gave myself one

So I have to figure out how to remember I’ve been forgotten,
So I don’t get lost;
For what is unconscious posesses us, and the light doth sanitize
And what writer was ever a simple lover but a bad one
Maybe I’m supposed to be as polyamourous as my gods
But I am not meant to be forgotten, killed off in your finale, cast down from your heaven;
I baphomet, serpent of the garden,
Know the loneliness of the exile that is hell

FountainHeart

The house is dripping moonlight
The fire pops and snaps softly..
Manipura healing music ensconces me

How easy to be zen when the dao is with us
But we must too learn to hold space for the dao in less daoist conditions

Your whole life is the way, the path,
Even your work, even the things you do not want to do
But we must learn to bring our hearts to them, for where the heart is, the way is with.

Happiness Demystified: Synthetic Happiness and Your Blueprint

Yesterday, I read the transcript for a Ted talk from 2004, titled, “The surprising Science of Happiness“, and in this talk, Dan Gilbert, author of Stumbling on Happiness, basically says that we have two ways of producing happiness: getting what we want, which he calls “Natural happiness”, and changing our minds, creating what Gilbert calls “Synthetic happiness”.

An example of synthetic happiness Gilbert gives is Sir Thomas Brown, who wrote in 1642, “I am the happiest man alive. I have that in me that can convert poverty to riches, adversity to prosperity. I am more invulnerable than Achilles; fortune hath not one place to hit me.”

The speaker calls this happiness synthetic rather than natural, because it is decided – not by events or circumstances, but by a kind of Stoic force of Will.

Now, most people do not posses this degree of omnipotence over their own programming, their own “reality”, and I think Gilbert provides the reasoning for this, here:

“…in our society, we have a strong belief that synthetic happiness is of an inferior kind.

Why do we have that belief? Well, it’s very simple. What kind of economic engine would keep churning if we believed that not getting what we want could make us just as happy as getting it?”

This matrix we live in is complex; there are a lot of forces at play from within and without, and society is, no doubt, the mirror we look in. This informs our scripts, our stories, which brings me to the second piece of the puzzle.

We think we are unhappy because of what we don’t have, but we’re really unhappy because life isn’t how we think it should be.

Today I was watching an inspirational Tony Robbins talk, and while there were a lot of great ideas in it from the start, there was something that really stood out to me, which was really well articulated. And while I’ve listened to Tony Robbins since I was a teenager, this idea struck me as a newer concept within his paradigmatic mode of teaching.

Here’s the core of it:

“If you and I want to know what it takes to be happy, then we have to understand what our current blueprint is. And what do I mean by blueprint; well, we have a story in our head of how life’s supposed to be. Some people’s story is you work hard in school, you become really great, you’re a nice person, you’re a good person, and you grow up and you take care of yourself, and you find the ideal man, and you fall in love, and you have a white picket fence, and you have three children, and you live happily ever after.

Somebody else’s story was – the old story was – you work really hard in school, you excel in college, you go to work for a big corporation, and you move up through the ranks until you’re the president or chairman of the company and you become successful and respected throughout life. These are old stories, old archetypes, and many don’t exist anymore. 

But there’s still one archetype that’s really prevalent, and that’s the idea that to be happy, you really have to achieve a lot in life.”

“I’m now going to show you what the formula for happiness is. And it’s real simple. I’m going to reveal it to you, so you don’t ever forget it. And it’s real simple. And what it is, is, whenever you’re happy with an area of your life, it’s because, right now, your current life experience, – I call it your LC, your Life Conditions, the conditions of your life, in that area, match or are equal to your blueprint or story, your belief about how life should be in that area.”

“Let’s see if we can find the formula for unhappiness. If the formula for happiness is be able to meet your expectations or exceed them – that really makes you excited – but to be happy you have to got to at least meet it, doesn’t have to be perfect but if you generally are meeting what you expect you want from your life in that area, you feel good: life conditions match blueprint, feel good.”

“Here’s the formula for unhappiness,

When your life conditions, the way you’re living your life today, does not match – it doesn’t equal – your blueprint meet your blueprint, your story of how it’s supposed to be, then you’re going to have disappointment, frustration, or pain.

If you’re life is way different than you think it’s supposed to be, you can have enormous pain. If it’s a little different, you might feel stressed.”

“You can not have your economic needs met and still be okay, but when you have an idea, this IS what my need is, and I did the wrong thing; my life doesn’t match how I’m supposed to be: that’s when people get a little crazy.” 

“You might find yourself really angry and frustrated because you have a different story about how life’s supposed to be than how it is.”

“You only have two choices in life. If life doesn’t match your blueprint, you either have to change your life or change or, in order for you to be happy – if you can’t change your life – you’re going to have to change your blueprint. And usually in life it requires a little of each. And if you change your life and your blueprint, you can have an extraordinary life.”

This is powerful knowledge. Happiness from getting what we want isn’t the only way.

We each have a wellspring of synthetic happiness available to us – the happiness from changing our minds, from adjusting our blueprints.

English writer and wordsmith Samuel Johnson (1709-1784) once wrote:

“It seems to be the fate of all man to seek all his consolations in futurity.”

And we all do this.

We think, I’ll be happy when.

This is no way to live. The time for consolation, for solace, for peace, is now.

Remember, the ego is the part of you that wants things to be or not to be a certain way. We think we are unhappy because of what we don’t have, but we’re really unhappy because life isn’t how we think it should be.

The old adage rings true, happiness if reality minus expectations, but so few of us actually take ownership of our expectations or even really examine their effect on us.

Your life is too short to suffer unnecessarily – even for a moment.

Examine your expectations, your blueprint, your story for how life should be and make today the day you stop letting these scripts in your mind limit your happiness.

Don’t Fucking Suffer, Son

Spent my whole life getting laughed at –
Thought love was where life was at:
So I found myself last,
Till I found myself at last –
Now I’ve finally passed my own past

I returned to innocence in a sense
But I also got Belly opening scene with my big dick energy

Like Cardi B:

You can’t fuck with me, if you wanted to…

But listen, you can be your own hero too
So save yourself and let everyone else be themselves

It’s worth it….
Don’t fucking suffer, son
Because life gets fun,
When you love number one

So say it:

I deserve my dreams…
I deserve my dreams.

33, Reminder

It took 33 years for me to learn that emotional security is the center of my cyclone,
And that without it I am simply detached and disconnected,
On the spin cycle
Off-balance,
Like a sneaker in the dryer.. tha-thud, dud-dud…

Emotional security,
Not financial –

For Maslow’s pyramid is inverted for artists and creatives..

I speak from experience when I tell you your pity is not wasted on the sad sonofabitch for whom creativity, actualization, and being are her bedrock and cornerstone

Took me 33 years to figure this out

Imagine living in a machine built to spit out the lowest paying job you are qualified for,
Wherein you loathe the activity that extracts 70% of your waking hours,
Only to leave you worrying for the remainder

Take this as a reminder:

Don’t worry.

Be secure.

Own your time.

Be kind.

Don’t take shit.

And give a fuck about Yourself.

Just a Word We Invented [The Rich Are The Players]

Listening to Tuesday’s Gone,
Remembering I am on a rock

Telling myself all the anxiety doesn’t matter –
Not in Space…

Well, I did think all my fears could be solved by hard work
Lost my goddamned mind with that fuck shit once already

Now it’s a pale Friday,
And my workload is //////////////////////////////////////

So I lean over in my chair to pet the dog as he walks into my office,
Saying, let me tune this server,
So we can eat…

And Elon thinks we’re living in a video game….
(Who could imagine a South African of privilege living in a goddamn bubble… [crickets.wav])

Yup, I came in here to dream of a shitty, tiny room,
Where I’d be able to afford to write… and outrun my childhood

But it’s all excuses if you ask men who live in suits, with gray or orange hair…

Anyway, I’m not sure if this is anger or maturity,
But since it’s a poem, I’ll go with the latter

I’m just trying to figure out why humans have tried so hard to forget that they are a species, and that human was just a word we invented, like whale or bear… [@ Wyoming…]

And one day, when the megarich are hunting us for sport from helicopters, maybe we’ll change. But not until then. So let’s just blame the media and keep raising asshole kids.

What Bukowski said, about how the problem with the world is that all the idiots are so sure of themselves while all the smart people are so full of doubt…

I think of the Mexicans riding their bikes from the grocery store yesterday, and I think of how wild they live, just like I grew up. And I understand some of the fear in their eyes.

[Ryan Reynolds voice] And to all you Anti-Journalism Bubblehead Wannabe Bond Villains: If this world is a game, the rich are the players.