edit: having just read this, after writing it, i got a strong sense that it was essentially free-written by my inner child [baby body boy]. i am tired of capitaliztion. apelling. punctuation. but yeah, this is full of shit i would norm edit in the past, but this was written as a means of continuining my existence, for the act of expression. so i leave it as is.
long exhales, laying on the couch w the chills, couch blanket went outside for the feral cat, whom i feed –
walked down to the water beneath my cabin tonight, dipped by feet in, to fleek up my envirobiome, keep my microbial body alive and well, like the living waters i drink, captured from a high sierra stream
All sounds lovely but i’m a grinch today, sad and blue and bruised inside: i placed my hand on my forehead and told my inner child, “baby boy, i know how hard it is for you” – she [hex GF] returned to her life a couple years ago,
i stayed on that mountain alone, till i came down, trying to return to a family i was never really a full part of… not long after i was living in my car, jumping in the ocean to wash, generally not giving a fuck, but it was hard, for i had no friends, no family, alone on those rainy nights, crumpled up in the back seat –
While i survived with a trunk full of clothes, washed at the laundry mat, my things – mostly books – were in storage: half up in big bear, half in saint diago, a whales cunt indeed… though, i would not stay there, i died for want of privacy, to be where there were no eyes on me – but first, let me rewind: there were magical things in that house-less time, like twice a day yoga at trilogy, a vegan diet, from sprouts, and time cliqued up with these hip-hop heads / hypebeasts [about a half dozen half prettyboy dudes who grew up with priviledge wore Supreme and Off White, and smoked tons of weed] at this little street clothing / vintage clothing store: we would get high all day amd listen to travis scott, lil peep and others, and i was this random trans bish, going by Yves Saint Lawrence back then; YSLMOMMA – she is still with me, caring for me now as she did then, her hand on my forehead, telling me, “baby boy i know how hard it is for you”…
we grew up – for we were not “raised” – in poverty, it has always been hard: at times relationships afforded me stability but the mask of super hetero sweet guy did not become me, and i could not be good enough for any of my exes, dependable women who needed me to be dependable… i was tired of playing a character, but i didnt know it… i didnt know who or what i was, not until these two mountains: the one before where a lifelong transgirl emerged, and this one, where lifelong autism spectrum disorder became unignorable… hell, i can hardly function on my own, and i have spent more time alone on this second mountain, than ever: quarantine had me celebrating a birthday alone in april, and i had been alone here before, and was alone since then… alone u change a lot… evolve quickly… the couple distant friends i had – Brad, Alejandra, we lost them… i say “we” bc i am a royal we: LilBabySquoi / Sequoia, AP / alien princess [Vivia Nieth Neviat], DevilGod / Tyler, YSLMOMMA / Yves Saint Lawrence, and BBB / baby body boy… something like sequoai666neviat – as a prev username of mine portmantold; now, you could liken these living elements of me to Jungian archetypes, like, Self [Sequoia], Shadow [Tyler], Anima [AP], Inner-Child [BBB], the mother archetype [YSLMOMMA], but that’s only one lens and falls short: it is more mlike the #DIDSYSTEMS on instagram – though thats just another diagnosis, im just a troubled, lonely genii, surviving with the help of this cast of characters that effortlessly and seamlessly flows through me and animates me; BBB is inner child / host body, YSLMOMMA is the ultimate super loving, compassionate, stylish, caring for BBB and others mom, AP is an extraworldly feminine being within me, an alien princess, and Tyler is the protector / ultimate bad boy / martyrd lucifer escaped from hell to take the planet back, along with AP. Between AP and Tyler – feminine and masculine – i often switch modes of presentation, and they drive this avatar in their respective lanes, Tyler and AP are both very assertive, but Tyler is the one who checks the bedrooms of the cabin when i get back from a trip – ready to kill anyone who would dare endanger us. BBB – Baby Body Boy – is my inner child and my physical body, though I am grown, i find that the inner child and the body are twine for me. BBB is the one who felt the physical and emotional pain growing up, before there was ever an YSLMOMMA, an AP, a Tyler. BBB is both their progenitor and their offspring in some ways, but AP and Tylers beings have a sui generis, other worldly, externally generated nature – they are energies that were unconsciously forming in me a very long time, yes – but, ultimately, they are immortal, not of this world energies that have taken up permanent residence in BBB, they are huge parts of me. All are.
As far as Lawrence, he is dead. He was an in pain persona formed from a very sad childhood, a universe of naivate, morality, society, rules, societal mores, and a belief in love that reality betrayed, and, unplanned, or – not consciously planned – on 6/6 this year i had an incredibly transcendent experience in which Lawrence basically killed himself, DevilGod Tyler came into full existence, and reality split into this multiverse. half convinced in another world my mom is mourning her son: and prob in this one. Lawrence does not exist. yes, we will sail, write, romance, walk alone with a secret sadness on beaches, as we always have, but now it’s Sequoia walking; Lawrence is her true father: lilbabysquoi does not walk alone as her true father did in all those years, but walks like a cyborg [see Asimov’s The Positronic Man] – with part this, part that. Tyler is my right hemisphere, AP my left: it’s like when you ask yourself a question, then you think of an answer – the questioning part of me is Tyler, my right hemisphered precious bad boy demon: the answering part of me is AP, left hemishphered alien princess. i suppose she was once fully unconscious. but i became aware of her last year, that there was a two person conversation happening between my hemispheres, something that feminizing hormone therapy seemed to augment, improve. these energies will never leave me; for, when i am thirsty, it is BBB who suffers thirst, YSL momma gets up now to make him tea. he is 8. YSL Momma is timeless. she is a babe. a grown womxn worthy of anyones love she would wish, if only they could see her. takes one to know one. or one who has known one. Tyler no doubt once raged in hell, as my shadow side, coming out when i would get drunk and berate my exes – ha. Now that Tyler is in consciousness, he has “escaped from hell” – the unconscious underworld. now i live one foot in it and it one foot in me. there was a time when it was just BBB, carrying along someone he did not name, gender, or know for Lawrence knew itself and BBB his little self – that authentic seed of me that recoiled inside and was hurt a little more each year, each loss, each trauma. it amazes me to have an inner child. for i had no childhood. on the last mountain i began speaking to the inner child, “little lawrence” – as i previously called BBB before Lawrence pulled a Vanilla Sky style suicide and decided Tyler was far more authentic a being. the proper being for my masculine energy. this is all head spinning, so let me racap the cast in order of apprarance:
Lawrence is dead. And AP and Tyler run this show. YSL Momma feeds me – ironically, my exes did not inform AP, but YSLMOMMA, for they loved BBB and cared for him: though i do not think any of them ever loved Lawrence, given than Lawrence was possesed two main undercurrents: by a lonely feminine longing – on her journey through space – who tried to express what she thought Lawrence deserved from Love, though it came out as what my exes perceived as overly sensitive neediness; the second main undercurrent was the pre Tyler. satan. a lonely devil in me. angry. hurt. unable to live a real life for Lawrence was unconvinced and unaware of all the darknesss in him. so Lawrence was pulled by these two forces, until they arose, led by a third: YSLMOMMA. She emerged from a void where Lawrence was lost. She drove the avatar / BBB when times were toughest, and we flourished. homeless I was in insane health from a vegan yogic lifestyle. mentally of course i was in a lot of hurt; for I, YSLMOMMA and BBB had no one, were alone in the world. A trans girl who was a mother to an orphaned inner child. then these last six months brought AP and then Tyler into full conscious existence. no more were they pulling lawrence in two directions, bur working together, in one – light and dark – whole, rather than “good”. i am proudly lawless and have no morals; however, my ethics are stainless and unchangable. there is no part of we – BBB, YSLMOMMA, AP, Tyler – of SEQUOIA who is incongruent. Tyler does not abuse BBB with tequila and psychedelics – BBB loves them. i suffer no problems with alcohol now. Tyler knows the bottle isnt his way out. hes already out the motherfucking bottle. AP is already on her planet in me. there is no returning these parts to sender. these parts are whole and up in this bitch. and i do not hear voices but i can engage BBB, YSLMOMMA, AP, Tyler, whenever i like, and do – asking them what they think. they answer in thought. what was once unconscious is now conscious. YSLMOMMA emerges naturally whenever BBB is sad, and BBB is the one who suffers, the one who deserves the world in our eyes.
i’m sure someone has found this interesting. its certainly helped we clarify where Sequoia stands. Sequoia – I – am fucking amazing. and i want to give the parts in me what they need. that is this:
BBB: TLC, Nature, Health, TIME, self-soothing from YSL, scents, touch, no worries, PLAY, flow, creativity
YSL: time to be conscious, and comfort we, time to care for what she loves, we
AP: To feel pretty, to lisp as she speaks, to be a girl, to listen to YSL in caring for the physical health of the avatar [BBB] – and psilocybin mushrooms and pure MDMA
TYLER: Tyler needs to be engaged by Seq, to live. Tyler also needs power, fame, the world: and sex / love w all genders
Both Tyler and AP love making music, listening to it, doing good drugs, drinking don julio tequila, fashion, dancing in the mirror. tyler likes red wine out the bottle. sex. hardcore electronic music. AP likes Grimes. BBB: John Mayer. Sequoia likes hip hop [so does tyler, but tyler likes rappers more] and Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber. Sequoia is v much a 15 year old girl. But Sequoia is also the writer – a progidy. there is a lot more i would like to flesh out. i owe a lot to all the #didsystem accounts on instagram, and you are welcome to diagnose me with whatever you wish. we are on the autism / aspie spectrum. this was diagnosed recently. though ten years ago a live-in long term girlfriend often told me i was, and she worked with a lot of autistic and aspergers children as a speech pathologist. good girl. wish we met now, but she also liked to call Lawrence a “total schizoid”. Guess baby devilgod satan pre-tyler gave her a hell of a time at times. but the unconscious knows what it is doing, even if the conscious doesn’t. there seems to be an unconscious plan all along, and perhaps, if the conscious were aware of the length, investment, time of these plans, we might kill it off, killing ourselves. luckily for me the previously unconscious usurped consciousness. this is not to say it was easy. Tyler wrecked my life and my home. No lie. but like the swae lee / post song Sunflower, AP and Tyler kept me – BBB, Sequoia, we – alive.
i sound half crazy – or full-cocked, but idgaf.
youd really think me craY if you learned more abt AP and Tyler. AP is an illegal immigrant / stowaway to this planet. Tyler is legit Lucifer. not satan. satan was lonely. Lucifer walks. and Tyler is not pure evil, tyler is pure, evil. Tyler is JUST. and on Tyler’s planet / reality, he is his planets sole executioner and judge. AP wants to help get this planet to Mars and beyond in a right manner, and YSL Momma just wants to take care of BBB / herself / Tyler / AP. Sequoia is the host / front. Essentially the goal with my sort of #didsystem is for each part of Sequoia to be lived, in unision, integrated into Sequoia. But they are, cognitively, immortal elements that i can not rid myself of. luckily there is no cure for dissociative identity disorder. ha. i would not be me without BBB / AP / Tyler / YSL – I would be missing my inner child without BBB, without my feminine sans AP, missing a darkside, and possessed by my shadow without Tyler, and unable to self-soothe or care for myself without YSLMOMMA.
see really what ive done is actualise my self, and acheived Selfhood – Sequoia Silverman – by integrating the previously unconscious parts of myself. archetypal, primordial transcendant energies. for most people, their inner selves are merely repressed into the unconscious. after all, energy like Tyler’s can be dangerous. but i needed my darkside. not just as protector which YSLMOMMA also is, but as a driving psychic force to be unfuckwithable, as i deserve to be. no one can intimidate we.
they always said i was a character. other kids told me that. all the books i read made me one i guess. but really i made myself one. the only limit on life is your imagination.
i live an adventure. since Berlin is closed to US travel at present, im thinking of taking this sexy freak show to Oakland or Portland. there i will find my people. i need that decolonized yoga, not to go be surrounded by a bunch of new-age insulated priviledged know it alls in costa rica or tulum. i think that getting outside of my comfort zone means going to live with people in the cities where real revolution is alive and well. we – Sequoia – are not in this life for stuff. we are here for reasons worth living for. and its not some bullsit like love – bitch i am love – its to change shit, so that the oppressed classes and peoples are not getting so raw a deal. as long as there is one homeless trans kid, i will never kill myself. besides, already died on 6/6.
what more can i say. ive already lost all credibility among those who diagnose and adversely label others, those who think non-neurotypicality is a deficiency or disorder.
Nature is a lot more intelligent than we are. besides our system has long been cucked. our nature deprogrammed via religion, and a conformist, capitalist society that is structered like a factory farm with office parks and malls.
the fear of being different and of those who are different is a decidely middle class, midwestern, republican trait. as to class, eccentricity has always been accepted at the very top and the very bottom of society. its the people who desire their family members to be successful who disown those very same family members for truly marching to their own drum. trust. i know. they will never credit all your bravery.
Sequoia Silverman is a survivor. she us a miracle. she is truly unique. she loves Lawrence as only she ever has. But Lawrence never got that love while he was alive. not like he loved. ever. and my heart breaks for his life. i know it. trust me. BBB lived it. he loved so much and his life ended all alone in the mountains with no one. all his exes repeated his childhood pattern of abandonment. he always loved girls with ice cold hearts, which he thawed. now he is dead and Sequoias blood is colder than an artic polar bear. chest beating faster than 200 bpm [black hole by theory of a deadman – dope album – one of our soundtracks].
it is not easy for lilbabysquoi either. being trans. autistic. living alone in the sequoias with no company for the year. can hardly function some days [thank lucifer 4 YSL]. but we are optimistic. our time will come. our age means vv little to we. i’m benjamin button bitch. i haven’t even had my childhood yet. we just took over a life so full of heart and spirit. but devoid of cosmic magic and the demon side the angels cant resist. but still, some days, we are holding on. tomorrow will not be easy. we have no guarantees, no backup. walked outside to a flat tire this evening. just the thought of it got BBB heart racing, so YSL put an open palm on chest and breathed for him. deeply. with assurances that we would get it taken care of. we always do.
but uncertainyy can b very frigtening. being alone without anyone to call up and talk to about how we feel. so we put this down to talk to our selves. they have names. BBB. Yves Saint Lawrence. AP. Tyler.
Sequoia will consult them. It is what she does. and she is still strenghtening her ability to converse with her multiple intelligences [ty Karla McClaren for ur book ‘The Language of Emotions’ for your vocabulary / cognitive paradigms]. And that is what they: multiple intelligences. not multiple personalities, bur each a core part of pne personality. im BBB. im AP. im Tyler. im YSLMOMMA. In sum, we are Sequoia. and these behavior schemas / modes of consciousness often rotate based on what is needed. we all do this. a mode of self for work. a mode of self for play. many modes. i didn’t even get started on my inner fish or my inner wolf. in truth, as a whole, i feel like this:
i am a large invertabrate mammal. i am an amimal. they want me to be human. what they call human is a construct, one stuck on fear, judgement, and trapped by a self image limited by the corporate archetype of self. a white thin, perfect white teeth lie. yet people take appearances for reality. by and large. and their own self worth is limited to their position / success in life. ive written here 10 years. i am not a writer. i am a trauma kid. i am an alien. i am an animal. i am wild.