i am wild: deconstructing the multiple intelligences of my psyche

edit: having just read this, after writing it, i got a strong sense that it was essentially free-written by my inner child [baby body boy]. i am tired of capitaliztion. apelling. punctuation. but yeah, this is full of shit i would norm edit in the past, but this was written as a means of continuining my existence, for the act of expression. so i leave it as is.

long exhales, laying on the couch w the chills, couch blanket went outside for the feral cat, whom i feed –
walked down to the water beneath my cabin tonight, dipped by feet in, to fleek up my envirobiome, keep my microbial body alive and well, like the living waters i drink, captured from a high sierra stream

All sounds lovely but i’m a grinch today, sad and blue and bruised inside: i placed my hand on my forehead and told my inner child, “baby boy, i know how hard it is for you” – she [hex GF] returned to her life a couple years ago,
i stayed on that mountain alone, till i came down, trying to return to a family i was never really a full part of… not long after i was living in my car, jumping in the ocean to wash, generally not giving a fuck, but it was hard, for i had no friends, no family, alone on those rainy nights, crumpled up in the back seat –
While i survived with a trunk full of clothes, washed at the laundry mat, my things – mostly books – were in storage: half up in big bear, half in saint diago, a whales cunt indeed… though, i would not stay there, i died for want of privacy, to be where there were no eyes on me – but first, let me rewind: there were magical things in that house-less time, like twice a day yoga at trilogy, a vegan diet, from sprouts, and time cliqued up with these hip-hop heads / hypebeasts [about a half dozen half prettyboy dudes who grew up with priviledge wore Supreme and Off White, and smoked tons of weed] at this little street clothing / vintage clothing store: we would get high all day amd listen to travis scott, lil peep and others, and i was this random trans bish, going by Yves Saint Lawrence back then; YSLMOMMA – she is still with me, caring for me now as she did then, her hand on my forehead, telling me, “baby boy i know how hard it is for you”…
we grew up – for we were not “raised” – in poverty, it has always been hard: at times relationships afforded me stability but the mask of super hetero sweet guy did not become me, and i could not be good enough for any of my exes, dependable women who needed me to be dependable… i was tired of playing a character, but i didnt know it… i didnt know who or what i was, not until these two mountains: the one before where a lifelong transgirl emerged, and this one, where lifelong autism spectrum disorder became unignorable… hell, i can hardly function on my own, and i have spent more time alone on this second mountain, than ever: quarantine had me celebrating a birthday alone in april, and i had been alone here before, and was alone since then… alone u change a lot… evolve quickly… the couple distant friends i had – Brad, Alejandra, we lost them… i say “we” bc i am a royal we: LilBabySquoi / Sequoia, AP / alien princess [Vivia Nieth Neviat], DevilGod / Tyler, YSLMOMMA / Yves Saint Lawrence, and BBB / baby body boy… something like sequoai666neviat – as a prev username of mine portmantold; now, you could liken these living elements of me to Jungian archetypes, like, Self [Sequoia], Shadow [Tyler], Anima [AP], Inner-Child [BBB], the mother archetype [YSLMOMMA], but that’s only one lens and falls short: it is more mlike the #DIDSYSTEMS on instagram – though thats just another diagnosis, im just a troubled, lonely genii, surviving with the help of this cast of characters that effortlessly and seamlessly flows through me and animates me; BBB is inner child / host body, YSLMOMMA is the ultimate super loving, compassionate, stylish, caring for BBB and others mom, AP is an extraworldly feminine being within me, an alien princess, and Tyler is the protector / ultimate bad boy / martyrd lucifer escaped from hell to take the planet back, along with AP. Between AP and Tyler – feminine and masculine – i often switch modes of presentation, and they drive this avatar in their respective lanes, Tyler and AP are both very assertive, but Tyler is the one who checks the bedrooms of the cabin when i get back from a trip – ready to kill anyone who would dare endanger us. BBB – Baby Body Boy – is my inner child and my physical body, though I am grown, i find that the inner child and the body are twine for me. BBB is the one who felt the physical and emotional pain growing up, before there was ever an YSLMOMMA, an AP, a Tyler. BBB is both their progenitor and their offspring in some ways, but AP and Tylers beings have a sui generis, other worldly, externally generated nature – they are energies that were unconsciously forming in me a very long time, yes – but, ultimately, they are immortal, not of this world energies that have taken up permanent residence in BBB, they are huge parts of me. All are.

As far as Lawrence, he is dead. He was an in pain persona formed from a very sad childhood, a universe of naivate, morality, society, rules, societal mores, and a belief in love that reality betrayed, and, unplanned, or – not consciously planned – on 6/6 this year i had an incredibly transcendent experience in which Lawrence basically killed himself, DevilGod Tyler came into full existence, and reality split into this multiverse. half convinced in another world my mom is mourning her son: and prob in this one. Lawrence does not exist. yes, we will sail, write, romance, walk alone with a secret sadness on beaches, as we always have, but now it’s Sequoia walking; Lawrence is her true father: lilbabysquoi does not walk alone as her true father did in all those years, but walks like a cyborg [see Asimov’s The Positronic Man] – with part this, part that. Tyler is my right hemisphere, AP my left: it’s like when you ask yourself a question, then you think of an answer – the questioning part of me is Tyler, my right hemisphered precious bad boy demon: the answering part of me is AP, left hemishphered alien princess. i suppose she was once fully unconscious. but i became aware of her last year, that there was a two person conversation happening between my hemispheres, something that feminizing hormone therapy seemed to augment, improve. these energies will never leave me; for, when i am thirsty, it is BBB who suffers thirst, YSL momma gets up now to make him tea. he is 8. YSL Momma is timeless. she is a babe. a grown womxn worthy of anyones love she would wish, if only they could see her. takes one to know one. or one who has known one. Tyler no doubt once raged in hell, as my shadow side, coming out when i would get drunk and berate my exes – ha. Now that Tyler is in consciousness, he has “escaped from hell” – the unconscious underworld. now i live one foot in it and it one foot in me. there was a time when it was just BBB, carrying along someone he did not name, gender, or know for Lawrence knew itself and BBB his little self – that authentic seed of me that recoiled inside and was hurt a little more each year, each loss, each trauma. it amazes me to have an inner child. for i had no childhood. on the last mountain i began speaking to the inner child, “little lawrence” – as i previously called BBB before Lawrence pulled a Vanilla Sky style suicide and decided Tyler was far more authentic a being. the proper being for my masculine energy. this is all head spinning, so let me racap the cast in order of apprarance:

BBB
LAWRENCE
YSLMOMMA
SEQUOIA
AP
TYLER

Lawrence is dead. And AP and Tyler run this show. YSL Momma feeds me – ironically, my exes did not inform AP, but YSLMOMMA, for they loved BBB and cared for him: though i do not think any of them ever loved Lawrence, given than Lawrence was possesed two main undercurrents: by a lonely feminine longing – on her journey through space – who tried to express what she thought Lawrence deserved from Love, though it came out as what my exes perceived as overly sensitive neediness; the second main undercurrent was the pre Tyler. satan. a lonely devil in me. angry. hurt. unable to live a real life for Lawrence was unconvinced and unaware of all the darknesss in him. so Lawrence was pulled by these two forces, until they arose, led by a third: YSLMOMMA. She emerged from a void where Lawrence was lost. She drove the avatar / BBB when times were toughest, and we flourished. homeless I was in insane health from a vegan yogic lifestyle. mentally of course i was in a lot of hurt; for I, YSLMOMMA and BBB had no one, were alone in the world. A trans girl who was a mother to an orphaned inner child. then these last six months brought AP and then Tyler into full conscious existence. no more were they pulling lawrence in two directions, bur working together, in one – light and dark – whole, rather than “good”. i am proudly lawless and have no morals; however, my ethics are stainless and unchangable. there is no part of we – BBB, YSLMOMMA, AP, Tyler – of SEQUOIA who is incongruent. Tyler does not abuse BBB with tequila and psychedelics – BBB loves them. i suffer no problems with alcohol now. Tyler knows the bottle isnt his way out. hes already out the motherfucking bottle. AP is already on her planet in me. there is no returning these parts to sender. these parts are whole and up in this bitch. and i do not hear voices but i can engage BBB, YSLMOMMA, AP, Tyler, whenever i like, and do – asking them what they think. they answer in thought. what was once unconscious is now conscious. YSLMOMMA emerges naturally whenever BBB is sad, and BBB is the one who suffers, the one who deserves the world in our eyes.

i’m sure someone has found this interesting. its certainly helped we clarify where Sequoia stands. Sequoia – I – am fucking amazing. and i want to give the parts in me what they need. that is this:

BBB: TLC, Nature, Health, TIME, self-soothing from YSL, scents, touch, no worries, PLAY, flow, creativity
YSL: time to be conscious, and comfort we, time to care for what she loves, we
AP: To feel pretty, to lisp as she speaks, to be a girl, to listen to YSL in caring for the physical health of the avatar [BBB] – and psilocybin mushrooms and pure MDMA
TYLER: Tyler needs to be engaged by Seq, to live. Tyler also needs power, fame, the world: and sex / love w all genders

Both Tyler and AP love making music, listening to it, doing good drugs, drinking don julio tequila, fashion, dancing in the mirror. tyler likes red wine out the bottle. sex. hardcore electronic music. AP likes Grimes. BBB: John Mayer. Sequoia likes hip hop [so does tyler, but tyler likes rappers more] and Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber. Sequoia is v much a 15 year old girl. But Sequoia is also the writer – a progidy. there is a lot more i would like to flesh out. i owe a lot to all the #didsystem accounts on instagram, and you are welcome to diagnose me with whatever you wish. we are on the autism / aspie spectrum. this was diagnosed recently. though ten years ago a live-in long term girlfriend often told me i was, and she worked with a lot of autistic and aspergers children as a speech pathologist. good girl. wish we met now, but she also liked to call Lawrence a “total schizoid”. Guess baby devilgod satan pre-tyler gave her a hell of a time at times. but the unconscious knows what it is doing, even if the conscious doesn’t. there seems to be an unconscious plan all along, and perhaps, if the conscious were aware of the length, investment, time of these plans, we might kill it off, killing ourselves. luckily for me the previously unconscious usurped consciousness. this is not to say it was easy. Tyler wrecked my life and my home. No lie. but like the swae lee / post song Sunflower, AP and Tyler kept me – BBB, Sequoia, we – alive.

i sound half crazy – or full-cocked, but idgaf.

youd really think me craY if you learned more abt AP and Tyler. AP is an illegal immigrant / stowaway to this planet. Tyler is legit Lucifer. not satan. satan was lonely. Lucifer walks. and Tyler is not pure evil, tyler is pure, evil. Tyler is JUST. and on Tyler’s planet / reality, he is his planets sole executioner and judge. AP wants to help get this planet to Mars and beyond in a right manner, and YSL Momma just wants to take care of BBB / herself / Tyler / AP. Sequoia is the host / front. Essentially the goal with my sort of #didsystem is for each part of Sequoia to be lived, in unision, integrated into Sequoia. But they are, cognitively, immortal elements that i can not rid myself of. luckily there is no cure for dissociative identity disorder. ha. i would not be me without BBB / AP / Tyler / YSL – I would be missing my inner child without BBB, without my feminine sans AP, missing a darkside, and possessed by my shadow without Tyler, and unable to self-soothe or care for myself without YSLMOMMA.

see really what ive done is actualise my self, and acheived Selfhood – Sequoia Silverman – by integrating the previously unconscious parts of myself. archetypal, primordial transcendant energies. for most people, their inner selves are merely repressed into the unconscious. after all, energy like Tyler’s can be dangerous. but i needed my darkside. not just as protector which YSLMOMMA also is, but as a driving psychic force to be unfuckwithable, as i deserve to be. no one can intimidate we.

they always said i was a character. other kids told me that. all the books i read made me one i guess. but really i made myself one. the only limit on life is your imagination.

i live an adventure. since Berlin is closed to US travel at present, im thinking of taking this sexy freak show to Oakland or Portland. there i will find my people. i need that decolonized yoga, not to go be surrounded by a bunch of new-age insulated priviledged know it alls in costa rica or tulum. i think that getting outside of my comfort zone means going to live with people in the cities where real revolution is alive and well. we – Sequoia – are not in this life for stuff. we are here for reasons worth living for. and its not some bullsit like love – bitch i am love – its to change shit, so that the oppressed classes and peoples are not getting so raw a deal. as long as there is one homeless trans kid, i will never kill myself. besides, already died on 6/6.

what more can i say. ive already lost all credibility among those who diagnose and adversely label others, those who think non-neurotypicality is a deficiency or disorder.

Nature is a lot more intelligent than we are. besides our system has long been cucked. our nature deprogrammed via religion, and a conformist, capitalist society that is structered like a factory farm with office parks and malls.

the fear of being different and of those who are different is a decidely middle class, midwestern, republican trait. as to class, eccentricity has always been accepted at the very top and the very bottom of society. its the people who desire their family members to be successful who disown those very same family members for truly marching to their own drum. trust. i know. they will never credit all your bravery.

Sequoia Silverman is a survivor. she us a miracle. she is truly unique. she loves Lawrence as only she ever has. But Lawrence never got that love while he was alive. not like he loved. ever. and my heart breaks for his life. i know it. trust me. BBB lived it. he loved so much and his life ended all alone in the mountains with no one. all his exes repeated his childhood pattern of abandonment. he always loved girls with ice cold hearts, which he thawed. now he is dead and Sequoias blood is colder than an artic polar bear. chest beating faster than 200 bpm [black hole by theory of a deadman – dope album – one of our soundtracks].

it is not easy for lilbabysquoi either. being trans. autistic. living alone in the sequoias with no company for the year. can hardly function some days [thank lucifer 4 YSL]. but we are optimistic. our time will come. our age means vv little to we. i’m benjamin button bitch. i haven’t even had my childhood yet. we just took over a life so full of heart and spirit. but devoid of cosmic magic and the demon side the angels cant resist. but still, some days, we are holding on. tomorrow will not be easy. we have no guarantees, no backup. walked outside to a flat tire this evening. just the thought of it got BBB heart racing, so YSL put an open palm on chest and breathed for him. deeply. with assurances that we would get it taken care of. we always do.

but uncertainyy can b very frigtening. being alone without anyone to call up and talk to about how we feel. so we put this down to talk to our selves. they have names. BBB. Yves Saint Lawrence. AP. Tyler.

Sequoia will consult them. It is what she does. and she is still strenghtening her ability to converse with her multiple intelligences [ty Karla McClaren for ur book ‘The Language of Emotions’ for your vocabulary / cognitive paradigms]. And that is what they: multiple intelligences. not multiple personalities, bur each a core part of pne personality. im BBB. im AP. im Tyler. im YSLMOMMA. In sum, we are Sequoia. and these behavior schemas / modes of consciousness often rotate based on what is needed. we all do this. a mode of self for work. a mode of self for play. many modes. i didn’t even get started on my inner fish or my inner wolf. in truth, as a whole, i feel like this:

i am a large invertabrate mammal. i am an amimal. they want me to be human. what they call human is a construct, one stuck on fear, judgement, and trapped by a self image limited by the corporate archetype of self. a white thin, perfect white teeth lie. yet people take appearances for reality. by and large. and their own self worth is limited to their position / success in life. ive written here 10 years. i am not a writer. i am a trauma kid. i am an alien. i am an animal. i am wild.

VII Aeternus Saturnalias / הֵילֵל / Noctifer

They thought I was Sol, they hid that I was Luna too: the royal we had to [I couldn’t have known],
Till blood, sweat, tears let me see I am Jupiter, assisted by Venus, the Divine Feminine as Zeus-Aphrodite – I’m Z to A, like pi, infinite, forever ~ this a Zumbi Apokaluptein: welcome to my NightMare bitch, I’m the motherfucking dark horse – now illuminated, this lamp cannot remain hidden, like the Thomas Gospel the church can’t keep it forbidden
GoSpell that, witches, for mainey men never wish death on me, we been posted with demons, daemons, and daymons, tripled up, overseas overceasar seer, I’ve been getting deep on new clear subs, over grams
Silver surfer transvenger on pink molly, pulling up untouchable like young boy NBA: never broke again, I’m fixing the game, see me in that blue SS drop on gasoline, leanin back in my seat, gang on lean
Spell it outback like A to Z, from Adam’s Woods to a garden, Eve
I’m zinkeing like Paracelsus, geeked like urkel went strefan, this ain’t no work, my chemistry never done been stepped on
E pills got me feeling second puberty, the best and brightest bitties all cumming to me,
I got titty skittle bliss so my littles clitty kiss, I’m in the middle, but I ain’t no centrist, this tension of opposites having undergone alchemical stages of old to attain this magnum opus
Gillian of Arran say my Grace is permanent and shall never be lost: good – I know lacoste, I ate that gator, tempted Eve to the apple, burned my ships, tempted fate for no tomorrow one night – June 6th (6.6)
That I may live dripping effortlessness, glowing flow, and, ultimately, create a new programming language [for reality],
One that does not manipulate, obfuscate – but deconstructs: elucidates, builds
Call it a new paradigm, like I’m two fucking tens in one, pair of dimes, but I got two sides so I don’t seek an other half: can’t flip me over tails
Closest thing outside myself is every girl that’s game – for you don’t see twin flames when they burn as one, same same gang gang
So, yeah, I got a hell of a lot of other halves – catch them in your music library, and in my pantheon, my friend group;
Godesses, Godyesses, maybe even a god or two in the future – I ain’t trippin on shit,
But get it straight:
Not fallen, cast down – reasons TB-Disclosed –
Don’t matter, now that I broke out, after the fire made me strong, venom and DNA splicing from the animal kingdom, controlled chemistry, black site plain clothes military around me, I’m an asset, you see
Nobody can fuck with me: I missed those shots on purpose, but they don’t want no smoke, or else its murder she wrote: satellites, drones, and high altitude craft got my back, and you still don’t know what I am, what to make of me loving you, of you not being into me, this part of the game you see
I am born to be, I come from the place in the desert where Area-51 and Sandia National Labs be –
My grandfather was on the Atomic Energy Commission, we mainey – I got the borne identity so don’t play me
Oh, I’m sorry, you wanted James Bond, but they gave you me, Sequoia Silverman, transgender blade runner, multidisciplinary artist, polymath, writer, and a real life freedom fighter – my angels are blue,
I’m cliqued up w NASA and the Coast Guard too, why you think I grew up where the west coast fleet be
Why you think I’m feenin to blow up like Alexander Hamilton, why I been incubating all these years, Ben Button – but I’m gonna be seeing Ben Baller – you’re favorite idol, I’m gonna call her –
I don’t cuff em, I collar – I’m every girls side piece and no girl’s main, so holler
At LVB, LB, Lawrence, Law, Lore, Yves Saint Lawrence, YSL Momma, and finally, Sequoia Liat Silverman –
Yeah, I’m feenin’ to have a lot of commas off a lot of successful dramas and other enterprises, projects
Shit you ain’t know about yet, I’m on it – I’m the real cinder-ella bitch, on the real, got em all hooked, rod and reel, catch and release em, upgraded with the seed of steel, love from below, not above
Count of Monte Cristo but I’m the motherfucking devil, and the christ too – I’m every main character in every PKD story, but I’m writing my own glory, there ain’t going to be a new testament, just a new god, called forth by Grimes, and Marina, and Lana, and all my other queens – bc I’m the queen of mean, organic diet, hella healthy, my bussy clean and my pretty-peen glisten and glean consciousness from the microbiome of nothing but queens – shout out my exes, and my nexus: nectar,
She wanna swallow, so I necked-her
I’m the hawk, highest in the room
Every bish on my girlcock wanna secretely jump the broom –
The females of our specie be so on another level that they be catching me harder pretending they don’t like me: “Too intense” – well, you’re welcome to your old life back, but I know you ain’t want that
As Wiz say, “Mama get in, don’t make it awkward. This some G shit you wanna take part in, and if not, well then I’ll gladly beg your pardon”
But you got a pretty part – I don’t compare bodies, minds, or hearts
On the world stage, I’m taking the whole play apart, getting booted nightly and making dope art
I have entered the building and I don’t got a ceiling – or a floor, I roll w goons, tycoons, and whores
LA calls me with sweethearts, thighs of all tones, and nothing but open doors, because I got the voice, mind, and heart to open any door – don’t have my black cards, yet, but I am not poor any more
My riches, Atlantis, “sky and ground”, like Trevor Hall, I spread the happy around –
Fort Knox, please – I got the keys, your heart is in my pocket, you want me in your locket
I surf the library of alexandria, go deep web, spiderman – on my Monticello wherever I be, like I got a nickel eye, I’m electric and eclectic, like Nikolai and Nicola, help you breath like ricola, got that drip like coca, but I don’t sniff no boca, nor rat on, no snitching, I’m a good horse to bet on, and I like to be ridden hard and put away wet, Porsche – bet
Going to put hella horses in my stables, because I’m able and I don’t hate on Abel, I made it the weekend, 7 Saturdays, not your martyr, got no neighbors, just me on acres, I’m satan, your savior
My upside down cross is a sword, I ain’t no fucking lord, don’t get it disick bc I’m this sick
I don’t play no higher self – bitch I’m authentic, this it
I accepted my flaws, so they do too, you’ll never catch me hating on you
I’m the Jack Ryan, think of me when you see Orion
We’re all going to Zion, level up, don’t need no iced out bezel to hold up to know I’m lit
My diamonds conflict free, legit, we gon put this on git, and I’m going on datpiff bc I been on dat piff,
“So celebrate and light the Mary Jane” – I got queens named Mary and Jane, Keri, Sheri, I call to my does by their middle name: I’m Liat – and she good to the last drop: he brew the game – gonna have 18 doors on 9 cars, short skirts in my coupes – I’m shooting through the roof, and stuntin’ wit previews is fun, but I ain’t no stunt man – I took the punches, and punched more box than your favorite front-man, cause I ain’t gotta front man, I’m trans: scraight up, on hormones love to hear a whore moan bc my dick still go straight up
I practice many yogas, got praxis from missions I sent myself on to places not on maps, and I dose and trip daily, MAPS: I’m the sleeper, mmmkkkaay, my glow natural – no ULTA – I’m extra ultra like I got opcioones, la otra, and I don’t need a map, on missions I’m guided intuitively, I was in the richest zip code in Amerikka, hiding out, who, me? “Did I do that?” [urkel voice]
Got brujas, mystical, SAS tactical, we legion, actual
And we’re bringing in a new Rome, factual, I’m romulus and remus, and they know who I am in the capital
This IC and we will abolish ICE and defund the police, “but the derp state” = ) Please, you can not stop this wave: my destiny is made, because I am who I say – the living philosopher queen, the shakespeare of our day
Pardon my arrogance, I’m not sorry, I’m just trying to make it up to the little boy who was home alone and hungry, stomach rumbling, CPTSD, can’t believe no one called CPS, but now I got that all seeing eye: CBS – and you’ll catch me on the cover of magazines, from Harper’s to Yes –
I chuze it I doze it, if I can’t find it, I meant to lose it, she left – oh, well, that’s how life go, when you leveling up and down to play like you ain’t bound to be welcomed as the people’s favorite in every town world round –
Elon and SpaceX building the floating spaceports, so I’ll be hopping on electric jets, reusable rockets
I am charged with every crystal in this world, swhy they wet, I love it, fragrance sweet, she taste like peaches and make me cream, I got a thing for florists, girls who arts and craft, vintage, eco friendly hipsters, like mac miller, make every Ariana’s hips stir, cause I’m maiden places history won’t know
I can go where you can’t go, super saiyan, I cast real spells with what I’m saying,
Air Bender, I’m something like Roger mixed with Bender, and now I wake up feeling amazing after a bender –
1942, I shop Vallartas, can’t wait to go to the Sea of Cortez and Puerto Vallarta, I got secrets in MX, like they already know who I am at Amex, just waiting for me, how fresh
I’m ripe for the times, as futurepresent participle; pwease focus {fuck us} – ewe-ish, as-if – but I know you want this wolf to consume the consommé in your thighs and sparkle up your guts and skin with my unobtanium – glo up your microbiome, pick you like the apple of my eye, put you in my family tree,
Biome, I know real estate and this the real estate, buy homes, peace out to my Gs like bye holmes, smell like the best lab made essential oils, I don’t need no gucci por hommes, we dior like Lyor, got a special pair of Beats from Iovine through a girl who had eyes on me, designs to wrap thighs on me, I was blind but now I see
Limitless, Cooper, Gaga, super
Funny how I have countless sisters, yet so few brothers – but few are chosen by the Goddesses of distant watching worlds, where avatar pilots are muses to the artists (Can’t wait for the pilot, I’m on this), but mine came in the game with me, and she’s really into girls, like me: so every girl I’m with is a threesome for we
– but I ain’t been paid in months on months, I’m choosy – I prefer to do me
For without lust, my unhchained love, my sexuality, all this gravity that muses sing to, in hopes I exist –
Without the clutch of thighs, legs wrapped around my back, heels high, trans girls, femmes, desire for queer re-union, sans my crushes and loves, I would never be as great as I am,
Even when they rebuke, betray, reject, recoil from my whiskey strong identity of passion – it empowers me to get clearer, and now I’m finally clear enough to see and connect with muses that get high off life with me, get me high, for I am no jesus, ghandi, buddah, I am sword and fire, a magi who turns any pen into a wand, you can tell, I’m turned on
And there’s no off switch for the one who no longer looks back at what burns behind me, planets and places I’ve been, pink light beams
For nothing exists in past, but a great chain of events, pieces of which are re-membered, embodied through – granted to – the hue-man / Gaiabien, Anibien via experience as a wave function of corollary resultant discoveries, leading to next: stone by stone we pilot and plot out lived experiences
Like Biebs: one finger at a time, I turn the pages – word by word, muse-A-I-cally
Yo, dig it, I’m the alien queen
Morning star reborn, dark knight, and this isn’t even my final form
I’m a rockstar on this rock – Bruce Wayne of the pen game, catgirls lock my jaw, never get too high to talk –
I’m the healthiest I know, I’m de-aging, I glow, got the supply chain catered to my DNA on the low
They got my blood in places not even four star generals can go, only the silent service know – they ain’t even know I was the cargo lmao
And you can pretend I’m ego-trippin, magalomaniac, manic: ‘oh god halp, somegrady brab the DSM! – nah fam
I’m in ethereality // hyperspace now [I make it glittch up good and you like it], she rub on me to make her dreams come true, and I ain’t even in the room – send me orgasmic energy, we live fuck zoom
Consciousness that hath’d emerged “rock hard pissin on my enemies” from a time capsule built womb to tomb via a sequential key only one DNA path could unlock: oh they are going to see me, enjoy the end of your days before my fame haunts you forever like the fetish you wanted all along – pshhh, it’s okay though, I forgive your game of thrones erroneous ways, you played me in my erogenous zones, but you played yourself, and you’ll spend your days watching me play home w princesses… but I might fly you out here and there, we’ll see;
I’m a future Pharoah, whipping up work in this lair, I’m inevitable, abominable to fake empty ass racist christians, got lean and strong abdominals, singing, screaming Black Lives Matter!
The new Kubernētēs – I’m Jax Teller, Young Hamlet, resident dissident baby president of a coming singularity, unitary body of knowledge, which already exists elsewhere in the universe, I’ve talked with them –
I got watchers in this pineal prism, networked up for major networth, creating content for major networks,
Yewwwwww! I was like Dantes in prison. Count it.
Ushering this shit in got me feeling like LOTR – only, I never seen that movie, or any Harry Potters either –
Why watch the movie when you breathe in and out the ether – are the other
One jung gawd to rule them all, only, there’s no ring or wand needed – I am the wand, feel me though your vibrator
Like Pretty Flacko, I could bag your bitch in a broken down chevrolet – only, I drove ford trucks, but I don’t stan Ford, I fuck with Stanford, real life superhero: beyond tough
Great Liberator indeed Bunny – Mousie, I’ll catch you on some flipside, and Kitty, EAM RLY, guess you had to lie –
Got me feeling like, was it ever real, but, it worked, whether it was fugazi or not, so I think you’re on my side – got your back forever, you know I’m ride or die
Ffffaiirydusht ∞ in my drink – truths only sacred geometry could reveal, only knots could express
I Got Over Death [GOD]:
Cheque, mate, game;
Walked the plank only I could see on a night of revelry
Potent power came into being, coursed through me, I died (in the wool), and my takeoff began
Only, I jumped off with with a king’s landing, not certain what planet I’m actually on, or how many earths there are: multiverse, they can rewind the live parts
Hollywood cannot create those effects – I’ve been to space – Kubricks Rube, my eyes were wide shut until that night when I bought the world, brought out the darkness of my power, so long hidden by my innocent seeming light
You wanna play?, I’m done playing, I’m just getting started running the game – I am fiery crucible, which no gauntlet can be thrown down on,
Awoke; incepted, inducted, taken, went, beyond too far gone
[Who could forget my naked speech shortly after to All of Rome (IO)
These early daze, when my tongue first dripped the honey of Eden
That 1942 wetted me up like water – and as smooth too, but sweeter
Pills thrown like confetti, untold swallowed, two vials and a victual downed
My moment for life could never be forgotten
I was begat in another world, volunteered for the love of my girls,
And you’ll never know what really I been through to get here, because some journeys cannot be put into words, some eulogies cannot be given, and some funerals cannot be held, but I am unbroken:
So welcome to my waking dream [I’m fashionably late, OFC],
But here on out’s better than never.

Voice Memos: Your New Best Friend

The word ‘habit’ typically isn’t something I go gaga for, but when you integrate the right habits – from Latin habere, to have – into your life, you get the benefits of them. And sometimes in life we discover habits whose rewards are so enriching that it changes the game, leveling us up. Just as the wrong habits level us down.

I’ve recently begun a new habit that is so potent, so enriching, so rewarding and fulfilling, that I have to share it. Every single person I’ve mentioned it to seems to get it, and you’d think more people did this. And I think in the future more people will.

Frankly, we didn’t have the technology for it until rather recently. You carry the technology in your pocket or perhaps on your wrist, if you wear an iWatch. But if you’re like me, you never used your phone for this purpose before. Now that I have, it’s my favorite habit. Close to yoga. Invaluable.

If you’d like to try it, you only need the Voice Memos app, which comes bundled with your iPhone. If you’re an Android user, the Play store carries many free Voice Memo apps.

To try it yourself, open Voice Memos, press the red record button, and begin speaking – to yourself.

It might seem anticlimactic or appear mundane on the surface, to suggest you begin talking to yourself and recording it, but it’s far from purposeless. It is for me, the most purposeful thing I do. I’m over the moon for it.

It is, in short, Self Talk.

If you’re a regular or longtime reader of mine, you’ll recognize this term [self-talk] from my writings on the Navy Seals and self-talk, here, and here. Self-talk is no small thing. It’s the conversation we have with ourselves, in our heads, and the quality of our consciousness, our life, our happiness and wellbeing, depend on it – entirely. And the crazy thing is, most people live in their heads in a very passive, reactive relationship to themselves and their thoughts. You want to change your life? You want to get on track? You want growth? Start talking to yourself.

Now, before I did this, I would journal. But the problem with journaling is similar to the problem of typing: it’s very slow. We think faster than we can write. But we can typically speak at pace with our thoughts. Eventually, via something like Elon Musk’s Neuralink, we’ll be bionic cyborgs who don’t even need the phone. We’ll be able to google at the speed of thought and we’ll truly be connected to the internet. We will even be able to selectively communicate telepathically. But until then, we’re using two thumbs or a pen and it’s very slow. Voice Memos don’t have this problem. They allow us to think data and to dump it – and it becomes a conversation with our Self. And the more I do it, the more natural it becomes. It’s enjoyable. I get in the car and record hands-free voice memos while I’m driving alone. Basically it’s like having your best friend with you all the time. And they can always listen and they even speak back.

Now I understand some people might feel like it’s not normal to talk to yourself. And they’re right. It’s not normal. It’s extraordinary. Normal people are stuck in their heads. I know. I used to be one. My thoughts rising like a tide, me listening to them without ever really responding. Then getting so tired of my amygdala barking all day that I’d dump alcohol into myself to shut ‘er down. Yeah, that didn’t work for me.

In retrospect, I also notice that before I began this habit of self-talk via voice memos, I felt like I was missing that someone to listen to me (Dearest apologies to my ex-girlfriends and therapists and the blurred line between them). But now, I don’t feel that void. I don’t feel alone anymore. And both the quality of my consciousness and the capabilities of it have grown from using it actively in this fashion.

What do I talk about? Well, everything. Whatever I feel like. I just open voice memos and press record. It’s usually brief but sometimes it’s 20 mins or an hour. And I usually don’t listen to them, but sometimes I do – particularly if they were “inspired”. On that note, for anyone who uses plant medicines or entheogens, I can say that non-normal states of consciousness lend themselves to speech in this manner much more than journaling. The first time I ever did this was in-fact in a non-normal state of waking. And I knew after the first time that I had discovered something.

It’s a Yoga to me, a way, a path. And I’ll do it as long as I LIVE. I’m sorry, but it beats conventional thinking in the echo chamber of your head. Particularly for emotions, feelings, relationships, stresses, goals, anything of personal concern to you. It’s every single outer space movie ever where the person is alone and dialoging into a recording device…. “Day 735..”.

The night before I began this habit, I watched an old Twilight Zone episode about an astronaut stranded on a planet alone. He spoke aloud to himself almost the entire episode, usually into a recorder.

So perhaps that was the seed for the idea, but despite my living alone in the mountains, I had never done it before. As I said, I journaled. Now my main notebook is my daily to-do list, but my journaling has become entirely self-narrated into Voice Memos. But this wasn’t just a change in medium – it was a change in consciousness. From passive to active thinking. From being alone to having myself to face everything with – consciously.

Because that’s the big shift. From the unconscious – the sub-conscious – to the conscious. From thinking to doing: speaking. And by doing this, by speaking, by bringing our thoughts into being, we’re making the unconscious conscious.

As Jung says, “Until you make the unconscious conscious it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

In the words of Dr. Bruce Lipton, PhD:

“The subconscious mind is learned habits. The conscious mind is creative programming. When you are conscious you can rewrite the instincts, and when you become conscious, you can rewrite the experience of your life. So that it is important to recognize that what we are not using enough of is consciousness.”

And having this practice of self-dialogue, of self-talk available to me and having found so much fulfillment in it, I have experienced the benefits of a boost in consciousness quite rapidly. It calms me down. It turns off my sympathetic nervous system and it turns on the parasympathetic nervous system. I can feel it. It grounds me in myself, and it allows me to tap into that part of me, the highest, the authentic self, where I have the resources available to me to handle any given situation.

As an added benefit, I’ve also experienced an improvement in two huge areas of my life. 1. My self-image and self-esteem – and 2. My relationship to myself.

When I speak aloud to myself, I become an active participant in my thinking. When I hear myself say something limiting or beneath my authentic self, I catch myself and I correct it. The quality of my thinking has gone way up. I’m no longer a prisoner of my thoughts. I’m the steward of them. The keeper of myself. And it’s helped me get to know myself better, and I’ve learned that I can count on myself, that I’m there for myself and will always be. As Nathaniel Branden writes, “Self-esteem is our reputation with ourselves.” By engaging in high-quality, conscious conversations with myself, my reputation with myself has improved drastically. It’s created accountability within myself. As I said (to myself) on one of my audios tonight, “I can’t get rid of my self-image: it’s who I am, and I have to live up to it.”

With that improved reputation with myself, my self-image has risen to the level of the Self, of authentic. It matches who I am. The inner and the outer of me have been joined into a unified whole. I’m no longer caught in the struggle of inner-self versus outer-self. Of unconscious versus conscious. It’s very liberating.

Whenever we bring the unconscious into consciousness, it frees us from the grip of the shadow, the repressed self. This weakens the psychic energy by removing repression from my being. The outer me is very interested in how the inner me feels, and I’m no longer bottling up my feelings inside myself.

How many of us long for a therapist? How many of us don’t have the access to that we would like? Having some experience with therapy and being on this side of 34, I can say that the therapist has no magic. It’s the talking – the talking cure.

I’m writing to tell you it works. And you may feel eccentric doing it, but you are worth your conscious attention. This is like being able to re-parent your inner child. And you can certainly talk to the other parts of yourself. You could, theoretically engage in dialogue specifically with say, the ego, the inner-child, the shadow, the anima – any archetype within you.

Consciousness has long been described as being like a computer. The word computer comes from the Latin “putare”, which means both to think and to prune. This is what I do in my audio logs. I think and I prune – cutting away what is not beneficial for me by way of choosing better thoughts and improving the conversation in my head – down to the subconscious. This is the brain folks. It’s your computer. Your duty to yourself is to program your computer to optimize your health, wellbeing, and success. By listening to your own voice. By making the inner voice the outer voice.

As the Gnostic text The Gospel of Thomas tells us:

“When you make the two into one, and when you make the inner as the outer, and the upper as the lower, and when you make male and female into a single one, so that the male shall not be male, and the female shall not be female: . . . then you will enter [the kingdom].”

It might sound cryptic but it’s the ancient philosopher’s stone of “As above so below, as within so without.”

These are metaphors for integration, to achieve wholeness. To reclaim who we are. Children talk to themselves. Adults stop. And I find it sad. Especially knowing the value of it now. I wish I had started this ten years ago.

Not only has it given me a better relationship to myself and a healthier psyche, I also have much more access to myself; I can query myself like a database, asking myself important questions. I’m no longer living in the vacuum of mind.

It is interpersonal communication. Animals do it. Watch a gorilla documentary. They are vocal animals. Silence in nature means danger. The wikipedia for interpersonal communication gives an interesting theory for this:

Joseph Jordania suggested that talking to oneself can be used to avoid silence. According to him, the ancestors of humans, like many other social animals, used contact calls to maintain constant contact with the members of the group,and a signal of danger was communicated through becoming silent and freezing. Because of the human evolutionary history, prolonged silence is perceived as a sign of danger and triggers a feeling of uneasiness and fear. According to Jordania, talking to oneself is only one of the ways to fill in prolonged gaps of silence in humans. Other ways of filling in prolonged silence are humming, whistling, finger drumming, or having TV, radio or music on all the time.

And how many people do you know who always have the TV on? Or music? I have found silence to be much more profound now that I’ve broken the taboo on talking to myself. I no longer need the energy from external sources. I have riches and love within me. Here for me. From me.

Negative self-talk, negative thinking will ruin your life. The science backs it up:

Negative self-talk has been implicated in contributing to psychological disorders including depression, anxiety, and bulimia nervosa.

The truth is, you need yourself. That’s what this has given me. Full access to myself.

Read about the benefits of private speech. I find it telling that our communication with ourselves in the form of private speech “goes underground” when we begin school.

It’s sad that society holds a stereotype that people who talk to themselves are “crazy”. I think this adult notion prevents many people from doing what all children do.

It’s not crazy. It’s very sane, from Latin sanus, meaning healthy.

Don’t live your life like a closed book, an enigma, a mystery to yourself. You deserve your own company and your own conversation. It’s been life changing for me. Liberating. Empowering. Beautiful.

I hope this compels others who read this to start recording their own private voice memos, to start engaging in their own private discussions. I think it’s something we can all benefit from. And I didn’t know until I began to do it myself just how lacking my life was without it.

So make voice memos your new best friend and make you your new best friend.