Ode to My Patron Saint, Dave

Sitting on the couch, in the quiet of my cabin house;
Cottage-cored out, pit pat pitter from snow drips, melting like all my doubts –
Fuck that MacBook, new machine on deck for delivery tonight: book pouring out
Thick Black Theory is what it takes,
Ask Dave, to whom I am their unwelcome writer in residence –
Sorry beloved uncle of mine, I’ve gotta do what I came to do here –
Thou art a great patron: oh, and I got a dog too
Pic attached, I know she would love you –
I know you know I do, and I know what a great disappointment I was to you…
Aside from that aside that I wish had never gotten sideways, gone by the wayside – oh how that angers me inside – pains me daily, one of the bigger bummers of my life…
Goddamnit, I cry, so mad at myself,
But this summer I lost my mental health;
More cry, for it’s returned but the situation seems beyond repair,
And never have I ever loved living somewhere more, felt so at home, as here
I wanted your life in 20 years
And you raised me more in one summer than I could ever make clear – more tears
Though it was the hardest; this was my most formative year
Jung knew there was no coming to consciousness without pain
And great consciousness requires great leaps of faith – you know artists are this way
Just, you didn’t sign up for this shit –
But it wasn’t a conscious failure… hard to explain: I know this will all make sense one day:
You’ll remember things I said in the garden that you thought were fucking crazy;
Pennsylvania Avenue baby;
I am a force, and we are not insignificant characters in this story:
Please know I am sorry, dearly, tears
You are a part of me, and I know and understand why I am unseated here –
I just love this land goddamnit,
And I love this person too
Would never dare harm either,
Am leaving both better, in my own way
Please do not let us make you bitter – now more tears than a pitter:
You did not make an error in judgement, you made an heir;
I inherited your manna, your Dave-ness
And it dissappints the fuck out of me that my mental health struggles, my pain derailed something cool and beautiful,
Though the beauty is still all in it for me –
Just, you know, that’s a one way street:
And in the end I hope the art I am producing will make this story sweet –
Though I fear I wish for too much: I was so inconsistent, and this place, you were – are – obviously so clutch;
You’re everything I’m not: solid and reliable; what I am to be, what I need
Though I realize you are now in tow with me,
This line will make sense when my manuscript you read;
I wonder how accurately I am painting thee
We will see, most certainly;
I am not and will never be nobody:
Nor am I a liability – though I’m certainly not an asset anymore,
At least, not that kind… a joke, from your Jack Ryan…
Clooney, my cattle dog (never barks ever btw) and I been running and hiking miles everyday –
The extreme outdoor activity is a key piece to me, in this new balance, of I
Who needs the endorphins naturally,
Having learned the hard way that nature has no free lunches:
[I quit doing those drugs, not gomma pull any punches]
But yeah, you’re a alpha wolf too, I know you need to run wild like I do
Am pained I no longer get the priviledge to run beside you, am sorry I am a hurt child, a tear
What else can I say, 2020 been a year:
Esp for those who are not free and clear;
You know what I stand for – okay, so I got a little extreme this summer –
Just, for a clairempathic person as I am, to know others suffer so greatly is to die [inside]:
It kills me / but I know this is a game of adults – I wish not to bring down markets or societies, or devalue the currency –
Excuse my omnipotency, your excellency, just it’s that the opposite of poverty is not wealth it is justice precisely;
It is not class war, but systems that need be fought – I just want to be the moon, pulling the tide…
But it’s tough when I got a rich bastard riding my hide – no punny, sorry, not funny
Just, some people feel entitled to squeeze the have nots for all they got pr
Discompassionately – without care for those whom they view as failures – as if our inability to be good indentured servants or serfs is our fault, and not the outgrowth of a system that is stacked against we: I never had a paddle Dave, just please, hear me… [You’ve already rolled your eyes thrice I know, have some more]:
Do you remember the tale I told you of the dog in the manger;
I recall: you’re no savior, but you can be a patron saint, forgive some rent, see if we can’t get this unbent – this isn’t about my buying time for my book, which will buy all my time in time, just, this is about my life, not your dime – which is my dollar,
Look: whatever you do I’ll be fine; if I was going to die here I would have died: I made it to the otherside,
To live a long, healthy, happy life – oh and I chilled out on the REDACTED, booze and wine, just a bottle of Justin Cab from time to time – a favorite of mine
I’m now asking you to not let this grape die on the vine:
Though I fear what the neighbors think is more important than whats in your mind:
That Midwestern dignity is hard to find – and hard to lose too
I’m not saying you care what people think of you, Mr. regular cute dad looking dude:
Not all sharks wear suits,
I’m just saying:
You control the conversation and the reality: you can learn as much from me
There’s a shared fabric in we /
Different as the colors may be
Red Ferrari / Black Lamborghini
Just a couple of babe ass dudes –
And whether I’m trash to you or not, you’re always going to be my adopted dad:
A fact for which I feel you rue,
But I must give credit where credit is due: though I do owe you your privacy and want to keep this place a secret too: its one of the best places in the world –
I’ve had too damn good a luck Dave,
To not go all the way, heaven knows how far I’ve come,
To become the person getting my dreams done –
Trust me, I know past can’t be undone, I just wish there were some benefit to you in the crap I put you through:
It gave me growth, I’m still blossoming too:
And I owe a lot of that to you – tears
I remember what you said, about being grateful for people who gave you opportunities, and you gave me that
I just, I’m afraid its all ash,
Like my lack of fire prevention almost left this place – egg on my face,
But it hasn’t been scrambled yet, or has it:
The anxiety and the fear I live in is terrible – fears I voiced to you from the balcony through tears this summer
But I guess I’m just a sunk cost huh, just, write it off – this shouldn’t be a loss, but I understand you extended a bridge to me, down by the water, which I didn’t cross;
I was in a lot of pain hence my being so cross; yeah I got that liberal shit you hate: excuses –
Only, they are not: they are facts
Capitalists can’t do the math, neurotypical people can’t understand why we won’t just do the thing we said we were going to;
I was doing my best: mental health mess –
But I’ve cleaned, the house too, am not another messy view –
I’m just here, like a mouse, with tears in my throat, writing hand to mouth:
I think it will be a bestseller;
I’m gonna do all the shit I said and more:
Though my music career is on hold while I get my foot in the door –
And you might want to get rid of me like a mouse, but these mountains I adore;
The title is in your name but the land belongs to itself: if you could only understand I’m not in this game for myself: my designs have to come off the shelf – and by book has to go on the shelves –
I aim for land here too:
This is my special place; I’m just like you –
Only, I’m a non-binary trns non-comforming autist – aspergers – who is a survivor, and more than that, a leader to be, what survivors and persistent, caring people like me are destined to be – if it was 1776, we would have been in Philadelphia, let’s not be here and waive the heroics, however small or silent or passive or non-existent they be:
I’m not asking for answers, I’m not sure you have anything to say to me: please let this be my apology to you, your family, and do not take it personally – I’ve never lived up to anybody’s idea of me…
As you’ve seen, I am not here to people please – this does not mean I am intentionally obtuse or callous – it just means I’m my own person, like you,
And surely you understand doing what you have to:
But you don’t understand not having a choice, not being able to do anything else –
Rocks and hard places, betwixt I am –
You have no idea how shitty I’ve felt over this, how sad I am listening to this snow melt, writing this:
This is one of the sadnesses of my life;
You’re not replacable: tears!
Damnit I wanted this expression, these prosaic poetics to free me of this pain, this sorrow, this regret,
But I’m just soaking in it now – and my biggest fear is just that its fubar
The genie out the Albert bottle
Me now just a bastard bear everyone judges bc I’m different up here
Holed up in my lair, wanting life to be more fair – a hand out and a hand up are different things,
But push me from the nest and I’ll fly: I have a little dog to keep a roof over – I don’t want to leave the one safe place in the world for me, where I belong:
Anyway, I’ll savor every moment here – hope they last: it’s just, drop a million in my lap and I wouldn’t want to leave here, this is my home –
But I might be thrown off this once indigrnous people’s land by a deca-millionare… though I think centi is prob damn closer – goddamn Dave, you’re a closer;
Speaking of closing: thank you
No matter the resolution, you’ve afforded me the immeasurable gift of knowing that I am your equal in rank, though not stature – yet
I’m here to do big shit and I am living the best design I have for the longgame;
Cui bono? What’s the point? What’s in it for you?
Well, I guess nothing, and that’s the problem huh,
No, I’m sure you could tell me what the problem is alright, I just wouldn’t want to listen… frankly, I got a very sensitive inner child to care for, and that child deserves a better future than being thrown out by u in a Pandemic: teach the neighbors what a Christian actually is – or just logical minded business it all like I’m just an inconvenient fact and not a person;
Time heals all, a window can be repaired,
Lord knows I’ve cried enough tears writing this to put some water under the bridge
Damn, wish we could walk and talk this out – but the truth is I am embarassed, pained, and ashamed – I’m really good at close friendships but i’m not good at transactional or obligatory anything:
Life itself is tough for me – just to go to the store in town, being different is not easy:
Don’t let this canary die in the mine

I’m not taking up anything but space… the product of that space is coming, an everlasting book
I’m all in, and I have to be:
I have no choice,
But you do – not that you owe it to me: I owe it to you

Rain Cotes De Rhone

High head vapor-eyezed
Cozy life @thirty-five
Red wine, Justin time,
Cab Sauv caps off… er corks off,
Skews-me, my dork’s soft
Toes dancing in slippered fuzzy socks,
Feel confident and cute, no molly rocks
Just hikes up, and runs down, dog at my side
Big mountains no town, no need and everywhere to hide
So I walk around baked and naked, tan my hide outside, liberated
Did too much acid this summer, y lie I can’t fake it lol
I laugh now, but post Mexico was hell
Getting off benzos at the Wyndam Visalia – midnight ER
Evacuated from wildfires, road tripped through two sets of tires,
A world unto myself, blue and gray in half-moon bay,
Drank $200 of tequila in one day:
Face off: 1942 vs Clase Azul
I never gave a fuck abt being classy or cool,
I just like good shit, im oldschool,
Archaic materials principle… nvm u wouldn’t get it… hi Sarah… nvm u forget it
Ok, time for an organic pasture raised steak: can’t spend all night ruminating my mistakes, grass fed;
Estrogen got my ass fed as a milk shake these days, fr fr
For real for real: u need my scripts, diet, drugs, and lifestyle 2 feel what I feel:
I’m supply chained up: alien blockchained up;
Blood sample on 2050, she take my cum and regift me
Cause when I’m with two girls, one invariably gets cucked
I hardly barely even give a fuck
Can’t be bothered with another
Taylor Allison Swift Lover

Vincere Coviniunt, Donkeys And Elephants WTF

Controlled chemistry, synced chemically;
We stand divided, in partitioned center,
One foot in two rivers, running forever:
Supply chained up, ironclad, on the list, For ever, the penman: my show her boat – relationship, HMS My Bitch –
OR my boat and her show, I don’t f’ing know
I’m a ghost, driven by a satellite, a kite she flies at night, weighted blanket in my lap; my mind go braaaaap, and you know thats no cap
Her Will is at the helm, I’m her hearth, arche type; vincere coveniunt
Guess it very convenient that i’m obedient to pussy power, cause she got me playing with my bussy in late hours, burning up like a roman candle, living I BE YOU, by Future, ripping open like stiches, suit yourself, pull the sutures unmasking fetishes of holy sin, Silver Waters, myself
Gettin hotter, my own daughter, I taught her, dont blame my parents I raised me
At my lowest never had help, hell,
But looking back nothing seems bad now,
Though at the time it was sad now, bad now,
Drunk rides home in the cab now,
Airport lights a motion blur of yellow and red, wish I had stayed mellow and read, instead of beating myself up with booze, getting beat up, earning scars like tattoos
Assholes like to throw punches at me, true
Could handle any pain but losing you, facts-machine, black like my heart and blue like the ink I use to write down sensitive things I think… because I intuit a lot,
And I love a E-Thot, so give me some fame and some @sniffyou’s and some @alicedelish’s too… “Twenty hoes and they all my roomates” trying to live roddy rich
But I’m really not such a shallow bish… like Future say, “I still fuck a average bitch”
Like Lil Baby “I be judging by the mind and heart, I ain’t really into faces” –
But also learning I can’t see people flatly, assumtively
Like Taylor Caldwell’s Bright Flows the River, wherein the beautiful girls are vapid and uncaring, and all the unnatractive are deep and substantial with better hearts – no, sometim3s conventionally unnattactive people are the most shallow: you’re a mere conquest for their esteem that once gleamed loses its sheen, becomes dull and boring, something to be mean to, like, “Go away, you’re obviously a loser if you want me”
These types are legit angry, and a mirror thats not good enough for its3lf does not reflect healthily, does not see beauty;
Just their insecurities amplified on me, so that my broken nose, my crooked teeth are all they see…
I think I’ll never “fix them” bc I need flaws to help show me see who is who, when I can’t even tell myself… bc I love all of you, like a little baby monkey, clingy;
Fucking true true, blow me
I just don’t want to go back to beautiful girls who grew up easy, tried that 3 or 4 times, believe me
I’m not here to please thee who has used the world blindly, ingratiates, Geoffrey
Dads, please stop raising princesses, we need Queens, I need a girl whose self esteem isn’t dependent upon me, not informed by what she saw on TV, they wanted couch disick not someone actually like me
I break all patterns of masculinity, and this viewed as weakness: perceived by the world so erroneously, never for better either – can’t live up to it, and I can’t live up to your yardstick, so you just take this dick and resent the rest of me
Take my chance to feel loved and let me leave with the rest of me… half emptied,
Of cum and hope…
Yeah, humans sure differ from one to the next, and the older I grow, the more I remember what a cute girl said to me in sprouts last September:
“There is every kind of person on the planet”
Goddamn is there ever:
And I’m fine being a misanthrope – there are, in-fact, large numbers of really special, super kind, and often ignored and ir bullied individuals who “prefer the company of animals”… and I see why…
Animals take in your energy, not measure you against a corporatized model of self, a societal more of “how people are supposed to be”
We humans have a history of criminalizing people who are different from us, its how bad leaders gain power among people who do not think for themselves, “America”, the team thats against itself, its own people, people who are Black, Brown, Queer, Poor, everywhere… because ‘thats not American’;
Not their shitty white-christian ethnostate
No, that’s an America where its not fair that people be afforded food and housing…
That’s one difference from our primate cousins, the hunters feed the bystanders…
But can’t share the kill with us, when the kill is us:
Homelessness is a feature of capitalism that works as the republican capitalist gestalt want it to… with fear to be homeless and the harshest judgements for those who are… they are the malfunctions… not a system who treats people with less opportunity worse than those with more… no, something is wrong with that person if they are struggling…
Well, excuse me for being born in a factory form with an education system controlled by money, literally determined by the world bank and the world economic form… ive seen the PDFs from them, their agendas past and present, they are shaping the world as they see it, bc money fucking runs this world bitch – got none: you’re worthless, struggling, oh, dear, you have “issues”
This collective agreement we call reality in America is tearing…
And our politics are fucking tribal, driven by full of shit people in a full of shit system…
The American Lens, white, worships a white god, is shaped by white men… and they won’t release their grip on the soul of our country because, “We’re the good guys, right dad?”
Dad: “Of course, we’re white”
That’s the american brand, the cowboy,
A romanticization of colonization,
This “civilation”… theirs, not no damn Black, Brown, Queer, Liberal, “radical leftist anarchists” who “want to destroy America”
Homies, America was never great unless you were rich, white, and straight
And you were never worthwhile if you could do nothing for them, could not serve them or their worldview of a world where its just white people, and maybe some Black and Brown, if they are conservative, meaning “if they know their place”;
Fuck god, this american identity is toxic
And its all based on fear, this culture war
Fear demonizes shadows, I mean, all these Black people killed by police were guilty in their minds, and the punishment was just fine with them… justice… literally has become a fucking perversion… the opposite of poverty isnt wealth, it’s justice –
There is no justice for those who do not know their place in a system run by those whose job it is to put you in yours…
America is a dominance based culture, ran by fear, intimidation, and voilence –
Its ugliness a product of its own insecurities… a projection of itself that cant even see itself bc America beautifies its ugliness under the identity of religion (AKA, a white man made the world), patriotism, aka, “team white america blue lives matter fuck you, I got mine, and if I ain’t, you sure as hell don’t deserve shit, your worthless un-american piece of shit”
America: “we may br white trash, but at least we arent brown”
Maybe a country getting its entire identity from the worthlessness of others… like, guys, America ain’t the best, our cops are shooting Black People, and we are a racist, transphobic, classist, anti-poor, collectivist group of hollaring white supremecist assholes, who are terrible to animals and the most helpless in society, America is just a “might is right” bully
It’s the least aware kid at the dance… and its become the protector and ally to nations that are even worse to their people… China, Saudi Arabia, Russia.. if they got trade, oil, or money, we fux w em
The problem is these nations bully other nations, Yemen, Syriah, North Korea – god that place needs to be fucking liberated…
But yeah, we don’t care about those “shitholes” … its like, damnit America, you could have had the money and the control over these countries, but we sold them the control back… and they bought it with flattery… to sycophant psychopaths –
Prep school politics, ivy leage priviledge
And rules for everybody but them… the higher up on the american scale, the less rules… the lower dowm on the american scale, the more rules:
And the American scale is weighted by power, money, appearances, and control over others – which is different than power, Obama had power, trump has control over others… this is more frightening than power – because in an era of identity politics and stochastic terrorism, the crimes depend on who committed them
It’s like, jesus, assholes dont think they are assholes… thats what makes them assholes… ‘the narcicists prayer’ is America:

“That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did… You deserved.”

The fact is, this country has been in a cold war against its people, based on power and control, since it was stolen from the indigenous, the “indans”, who were always the enemy of the cowboys in the movies …
They made us all indians – everyone who is different… we are treated as foreigners in our own country, but they dont think its our’s, they think we are the decline of their country… “and the home of thr brave”…
Our national anthem, the star spangled banner is a monument to war and white colonization and control, written by a slave owner and shitty poet, who declared in a verse we dont sing anymore, that “No refuge could save the hireling and slave
From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave: And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave, O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave”….
You’re anti American!
You’re goddamn fucking right, I am –
Whats to be pro-american about?
DEMOCRACY? this perversion, these unfuckables… this american brand of fox news dog whistle nazism, and facebook karenism?
This generational white-ism, cis het bullyism, we co-sign the biggest human rights violators… blood all over the world is on our hands… we are keeping the people in the camps in china, north korea, the poor, poor and ignorant, “the clintons”
We are up against fucking qanon idiots who think trump is saving the world from evil pedos, when he himself is an evil pedo….
I go to look at my porn – mostly cosplay shit bc I like ahegao lol – and I see the top 3 “trending searches”:
1. “Drunk girl”
2. “Daddy daughter real”
3. “Hidden camera”
Its like, wow, shit is rapey as fuck… another top search is “forcefully fucked” –
Look, i’m not here to kinkshame, I just, I find that those are the top / trending searches to be telling about the psyche of america… like, I like roleplay too, just, not drunk girls, hidden cameras, and actual incest rape… but that’s what gets them off… why would “drunk girls” turn you on unless you take advantage of girls while they are incapacitated… “I like beer okay”, as that fucking rapist supreme court judge said
Another media spectacle displaying the place of the white man as unimpeachable,
These people think Kyle Rittenhouse is a hero… “now thats how you do it”…
And the kid will get his sentence, becuase our judicial system still has semblance of justice, but in the public court of opinion, he was acquitted of the charges bc we dont have leaders who condemn white terrorists, and I don’t even need to say male… like, obvi the world has a male problem… but also, its beyond gender,
My own mom and sister are very patriarichal… I mean, they supported my dads tyranny over me, which became familial… so that in a patriarichal toxic house, I, a sensitive, effeminate queer, was the enemy to my Dad’s patriarchy, and then, later, my brother in laws, who has stolen my family… another asshole man defended as right over me, I’m bitter –
I fucking hate priviledged entitled people bc they have to judge others as unworthy for their own unearned worth… and anyone who tries to buck that cisgender hereto old over young male white narrative is gaslit and expelled – society does the same to its dissidents… the arts are filled with rich kids, they could afford to be artists, to make it their unsubstantial calling, and they had the confidence and self-esteem to believe in themselves…. rappers are my heroes, but even then, DaBaby and Roddy Rich and Young Boy NBA are all very pretty,
We like beauty – I find black men attractive… because they fucking are…
White got an inferiority complex… no bro, its not the size of your dick thats the issue, its that you got small dick energy, you got that “drunk girl” porn search energy –
To say nothing of the realities Black Woman face in a world that has demeaned the womxn of color more than anyone else…
Vietnam, yeah, our troops raped and killed a lot of woman there…. but they were brown so its okay /s – besides, oUr MILiTARy is HeRoEzs, yeah no… not automatically everyone a hero… but apparently in America they are, since the “support our troops” people have a very GOP vibe, and, its team fucking america all the way baby…
But all the way to what?

I’m just growing up,
But I want my country to… only, these fucking right wing christian propagandists have spent fifty years mobilising their base, and now we have a generational problem, one thats growing, one that will never go away… as has been said, ‘Trump didnt build a wall around America, but the world did’ – I can’t even travel anywhere,
and the world loathed America long before trump… like, can you imagine the Russsians and Saudis flattering and kompromising the fuck out of our leaders… bc thats what they do… buddy, I don’t care if you’re a fucking general, you’re a laughingstock to the enemies of your nation, but youve all made yourself heroes, bc the enemy is within the US… fox news, our state sponsored white terrorism network… the least ethical people are always the most moralizing… and its to the point where we as a society are casting all our darkness onto others to signal our own virtue, but we havent any
America’s not a virgin anymore, weve been fucked… but worse than fucked, we’ve been cucked by Russia, Saudi Arabia, and China… these countries own our politics

It’s just all stock market shit… Power that has gotten more out of control… like, when will we realize that Apple, Nike, and Harvard are full of shit brands

Oh wait, never bc we don’t even see how full of shit we are, bc full of shit people are running shit, and their kids are in prep schools, all the entitlement of white America is in their veins… everything given them… their worth based on the dominance over and the devaluing of others….

We live in a society,
May all beings be happy and free – and until they are, the real brave, the real heroes will be with them, and in them, among those who suffer and live in hell, so Kyle and Kelly can live in heaven…

I just wish they were all in Montana… only, its everywhere, Kardashian, Trump, these vapid fucking children of priviledge is who we are worshipping… what would their jesus be like? They don’t even know virtue, humanity, compassion, empathy

They don’t know a fucking thing,
Just kill it, fuck it, eat it… control it, oppress it…

Like, there are no more good Americans, just good people in America… the Americans, that bradwagon, chad and stacy, they’re fucking horrible….

It’s not the ugly American, its ugly America…

“If you don’t like it fucking leave”,
Yeah, I think a lot of us will, thank you

But I can’t leave the people behind, bc there are good kids in bad houses, I was one… only, they made me “the bad kid” –
And that’s what the American brand has done to all its most vulnerable, kind, empathetic… we’re just pussies to them, to taunt, to fuck, to hate

And our biggest parriots are the most Nazi..
Because that’s the American brand… and I’m afraid it will never see itself –

Just two camps:

1. racist white patriarchy
2. the others

And, let me tell you, having growm up poor, queer, neurodivergent… its not fun to be the others in a world that precludes you from being valued… ive been beat up a lot, and the people I thought loved me all thought I must have deserved it…

That’s kind of the bottom line under all these injustices is that they are all falsely justified as what the others deserve… based on the demonization of the other, who is not white, cis, straight… not American as they see it, not fit to live in America, not fit to have what they do, to feel worthy, or god forbid feel superior to the almighty white man… insecure because they have every reason to be

Beleive me, these fucking mainstream American nazis are going down in history as the hateful, ignorant, cruel people they are…

Problem is, we’re going down with them..
Instead of passing relief, they are shoving a GOP brand judge through who is a fucking lapdog to white christian patriarchy…

Our whole system is fucked,

I don’t think we can take America back, I think its gone, I think it never was great, just a story written by the victors…

When will we win?
When it is safe to be Black, Trans, different… because its gotten less safe;
We lost so much ground from the Obama recoil, the great white revenge… they said the south would rise again… just didnt expect it to be repackaged as a bunch of fucking white male superhero movies, assholes in Dodge chargers, and “law and order” by way of police executions without trial nor consequence…. “patriotism” is “whiteism” and like a lot of problematic isms, its patriarichal …. and the patrairchy, the cis het male system of control over women has a lot of women on its side, holding onto the white virtue they dont have, these nazi shitbag-maga princesses were never great, nor is or was your man…

What the fuck else can I say,
My country is full of shit, unwelcoming, and they fucking love it… they wanna keep it great… and if we get a Biden presidency, the right media will triple down on the gaslight hypnosis of their base… it will get worse…. and oneday, it could be too late… if only we had gotten out…. I fear this…. a division of our america… its already here

How blind can we be?
They demonize minorities, deny healthcare to the poor, and rob all the others of their worth

Cops treat me like an alien
And I feel like one…

It went from Not My President, to Not My Country, to not my world

How, how on earth can our species be so fucking awful to the animals, the planet, and the most vulnerable?

There is a great discompassion towards others…. they dont care but think people who dont care about them do bc those people care for their interests…

And their interest are fucking dispicable,
But they make us, the others out to be

What is it called when all the people who belong in hell are in heaven and all the people who belong in heaven are in hell?

Capitalism, or America
Are they not the same?

They made the wild west wild,
Weapons, power, entitlement… stole the land, murdered the people, and claimed they founded America

Fuck your founding fathers,
Jefferson, Franklin, dispicable men – fitting their image is on our dispicable money, we’re a fucking dispicable country… but we got trade and money so Orange aint all that sus to the nations milking us for all we’re worth, we dont defend democracy, we defend totalitarian corporatocracy, around the world, and Space X is promising 1 hour weapon delivery anywhere… just in case anyone forgot America has the biggest dick… only a little smaller than Vladamir’s and Xi Jinping’s, but totally bigger than North Koreas, like totally way big

Fuck you America
I am dissapointed in you, I thought you were better, sadly, you are not, never were, never will be, America is done… put a bullet in me, and i’m just the messenger… people have hated me for telling the truth my whole life –
And the truth is, America is as bad as China, Russia, Saudi Arabia, these are our fucking homies now… some “bad hombres”

I’d love to salute Germany or The UK as new bastions of freedom, but they too have their populist nationalism… it just hasnt polluted the whole nation yet, taken over

Freedom isnt freedom
Bravery isnt brave

And we don’t want to live up to this anymore, the mirror is shattered… the pretty are ugly and the beautiful debased

I wish for myself and my fellow heart-centered compassionate citizens to seriously consider leaving this country, I wish I had a better answer… its just, its not leaving to get away from the government but the people, who have become the control

It’s not a thin blue line, it’s a fat white one
And America is blasted out of its fucking mind on its own linitless supply of bullshit and self delusion

There’s no saving it either
The republic has broken up, its citizens pushed into a cold civil war, and I don’t think you can leave that war as long as you are in America, its everywhere, in millions of poisoned hearts and minds, running fear 3.0, the southern strategy revised, expanded, clasist and self-hating

You Y’all Quaeda motherfuckers are a different species… I never understood evil, never will, but I can see it now, in a million houses, eating a billion poor animals raised in hell, raising their kids in hell, to either be demons or if they are angels, to suffer

It’s just like,
We can’t suffer forever

I thought forest living would save me, but the police harass me all the fucking time when I go to town – bc to them, a liberal like me, who loves Black, Brown, and Indigenous, all People of Color, all sexualities, all genders… I’m a fucking threat to their way of life, to god and country

I say fuck god
Fuck america

In Megan Thee Stallions name I pray, and by the grace of Cardi B, may Navalny and all thorns in the sides of dickheads everywhere prevail

Free the Uighur Muslims in China, free Hong Kong,
Free North Korea, Liberate Yemen… we could do all that… but instead we’re a school shooter: a white nationalist ethnostate, a country of fucking sycophants, rapey frat boys, and idiots, they’re the same person, and it’s the same America only more hollow, but that’s the cost of freedom… gotta mind fuck the whole population with a manufactured culture of control – fuck consent, America dont need no consent… they taught us to be helpless, and we learned to love it….

What more can I say? Our country has been cucked by cucks…. I’m just an observer…. I didnt do this… I do not support this, and America hates me too …. goddamnit they do, donkeys and elephants what the fuck.

God Fuck or War Baby Sylvia Plath, or Why I’m Secretely Lizzie Grant’s Favorite Poet

If he only knew how unloved he had been,
Loved twice… i’m not sure the last one loved me, i can see her getting mad now and punching me, for saying that –
Not bc it wasnt true but how dare I put those optics out …
Her life with me was not what it seemed then…. I dont know why she dated me
I dont even know what to say,
Like, how do you acknowledge that you werent ever loved growing up
Its like we have to fix others perceptions of us before we can fix our own, but there is no changing of theirs
Like, my sisters and mothers perception is so unloving – my father taught them that
But my mom was also a major narcissist, the kind of mom who could eat a yogurt while saying, “okay, okay, im a shitty parent”,
After your 17 years of no childhood, growing up about damn near as feral as could be… no normalcy, no stability, no love, food barely in the fridge…
Just the fucking words I love you,
Which we all know are empty after the fact , the verb
I dont think the one before her loved me either, though, she was perfect for me –
And I wished I had been for Her
I still obsess and love over her, like I do everyone I dated… its intense to be loved by me, yeah, I can’t imagine… I told a random I loved them while we were fucking recently…
And it fucked with their head… they said it made then feel pressured to let me cum in them, which they (using they bc that is their pronouns) told me to do… anyway, i didnt know they were emotionally upset until they texted me days later.. we had sex after that time, later that night, that time I came on them.. splat hehe
And they invited me to sleep over after, said I didnt have to leave, and I slept over… we cuddled… it was actually a really neat night, for they are a cool queer person… but like, I fucking weirded them out bc obvi I have very clear attachment issues – and im sorry to that person and or any other person I have ever unknowingly made uncomfortable… but its not been a pattern of me… I just, I sleep with girls, I fall in love with them, and I date them for years… im just fucked up like that… haha thats been my life pattern
And I have literally dated the coolest girls I ever met… just, too cool for me
Anyway, this person texted me about the apparent distraught I had caused them, and I handled it horribly bc selfish me only thought about someone who was now going to smear me with this story… whatever its true… let them tell it, let me tell it… I get emotionally attached bc I was a neglected child, end of story … anyway, I blocked that person bc they made the aassertion that bc of how I reacted to their texts, that “this obviously happens a lot to you”… christ that upset me
No bitch. Never actually.
I’ve caused girls emotional distraught from dating me, you can call them and ask them all… but I never ever had like a bad post sex situation before, much less someone telling me they felt “forced” into telling me cum to in them – what happened – bc I said I loved them – which also happened, which was wrong of me
I’m sorry, I felt love … but I just… in my own messy loneliness of despair…
It had been so long since I had slept with anyone, much less, had affection… I was trying to be good with covid… but then I was camping in Half Moon Bay, got lonely in my tent and tindered my way into her bed… anyway, just, I had been so lonely in the mountains for so long that my loneliness left me vulnerable… but ive always been vulnerable… I was never the type to tell girls I loved them, I was the type to actually love them… foolish and wreckless like that…
Anyway, Im making excuses for my attachment issues, and how they negatively manifested themselves in my making this person feel uncomfortable… and, honesty, that sucks more than anything I could ever imagine…
Its honestly left me very upended since I got this persons texts… like, I reacted like a fucking classic asshole to them… all I cared about was like, “Damn, am I gonna have to defend myself against this person”, they stated their consent, and it was nothing like I had assaulted this person or forced them to do anything, but more that I had violated their emotional boundaries… but just, it freaked me the fuck out bc I want a fucking writing career goddamnit… and public perception is very sensitive to claims of impropriety, which I felt this could be seen as, no matter what I said… anyway, I told them to go to hell and then texted them like a psychopath the next hour berating them for not loving me… yeah, real cool shit… but just, in my little mind it felt like my reputation was on the line in high school but it was life, and forever, and with myself – bc this was fucking w my head… I wanted this person to like me, like I wasnt trying, it was just obvious they were an experienced bay area queer… and I thought that was really cool, didnt realize I was fetishing it.. anyway, I had not slept with anyone since coming out as trans, which, I know can be seen as somehow ill fitting me, but thats just gender and emotions and the brain and how it sucks… anyway, I felt like they had just latched onto a version of me that wasnt true to me at all… like they were trying to convince me of my worthlessness, bc I felt worthless, and I think this person may too, no fucking clue, just, they obviously had a good heart, and that was all I felt necescary in order to love them, bc isnt that what they deserved… I thought so, in the moment, tried to love them, tried to be loved, was not – clearly, but in my stupid innocent little head, I felt I was, bc why wouldnt this person love me, thats what I deserve, at least, I think so, all the time –
Anyway, I hate that person for betraying my vulnerability, but the person who betrayed my vulnerability was me…
Anyway, I had stupidly thought this person wanted to be my friend, like I stupidly think all theses bitches love me
And yeah, I use some toxic words like bitch
I am not a toxic person, I am loving and caring, as all who know me and have dated me will attest, just, I have no fucking business sleeping with anyone ever again because I dont know what love is, I dont think ive ever been loved, not like I love, but the problem is loving people the way that I do, so strongly…. and this person made me feel destroyed to have been seen as somehow enotionally manipulative in the act of copulation, like, fucking, kill me now that aint me baby… but yeah, I get it:
Anyway, im probably never gonna fucking ever trust my feelings about someone ever again… to have this person see me that way, in a light not even realistic to me…
I dont even know, just, I didnt know I had the power to upset someone like that, but, I fucking obviously didnt mean too… I jusst am not good at no strings sex, I catch feelings…. which, are still there for this person, bc they are a kind goodhearted person… I hope they get their teacher job, teachers have always been my bag… lost one to marriage recently, fucking love you forever Kelly… we became close, and that was a one night thing too
I get close to people, but the emotions I put upon them are too much too soon, no matter how genuine they are for me
I can still see them fanning their eyes, after we finished having sex, and I asked them if they were okay, and they said, “Phew, yeah, that was just… intense” – they collected themselves, we talked long after, mostly just me listening to their cute stories, and I enjoyed their company… my dumb ass was ready to sign this bitch on as a lover ….like I am everyone, but Im so love hungry
But its intense and im sorry, and bc I hurt this beautiful person with my intensity, I hate my intensity now… its like, a Jain Buddhist doesnt even want to step on a ant, ya know
Im like that, so sensitive to suffering –
Unless I caused it, then apparently Im an unfeeling asshole like many people sometimes are when they do shit that hurts others… anyway, I feel like thats the last time I will ever have sex in my life – or at the very least the last time I will sleep with someone I dont know well bc I cant get physical without emotional… okay, maybe with a yoga teacher here and there ;) but nah, just, I can’t ever joke about sex anymore… or even see myself as a fucking healthy worthwile human bc this person clearly aint think so:
Until those texts… then holy fuck –
I HAVENT been able to feel safe emotionally since knowing I upset this person, nor have I been able to feel right about it… fucking, writing about it days later here, like, this kept me up at night
Bc I hate that I did that
But also, I hate this person now from the bottom of my heart for calling me out on what was toxic – I said I loved her – them, lets be clear, that was the toxic part, youd think I was defending worse allegations, but when it comes to sex and enotional upset, I think any is too much
And I wish they had let me know if they werent, rather than telling me to cum in them, cuddling me, fucking me again, and then texting me days later saying that “our thing made me sad”, before getting into this “i felt forced into letting you cum in me bc you told me you loved me” mess, like, I blew up at their texts, but really I was neglecting the fact that they told me they had been raped, after we had slept together, and I felt like they were putting someone elses actions on me when they texted me, when I got the texts, like that energy or hurt had been directed at me, and I was guilty of the loss of their innocence… anyway, I just acted as discompassionate as anyone could…
Sara (my ex was a Sarah), I am sorry for the emptional upset my embrace caused
It has disturbed the fuck out me to know this… I was trying to give love…. I was the one who needed it…. any fucking way, this is book shit, memoir shit, bc these are the experiences that change you
And that experi3nce took the innocence of sex away for me, like, damnit Sara, I just wanted to love your stupid fat queer ass
I’m never going to feel right about this, and somehow, I think thats how it has to be
BC I can never sleep with someone I dont know ever again, bc the fact is, sex and love are the same to me bc of their intimacy… and this person will probably go on somehow taking me on as their personal fucking cause, crucifying me for the sins of the patriarchy, like, look at this boy who just tells girls he loves themz fucks them and doesnt love them –
No I fuck em and love em
And thats a dangerous thing… im not good at knowing who to trust, even then, I love this Sara for teaching me that… bc I could have done way worse than to meet this good hearted, intelligent, way more mature than me queer person who called me out on that my emotions were unwarranted, but also, just, I thought my love a mitzvah.. . Not creepy…. but their texts painted me that way… and I cant wash the revulsion out of my mouth, the self hate from it…
I cannot forgive myself for hurting myself – truthfully, I dont feel that what I did was morally or ethically wrong at all, bc it came from a place of queer vulnerability for me…. I told them I loved them during sex, that was the onus for all this…. and anyway that has been completely shattered ever since their texts… I blocked them on IG and via text after they asserted that “clearly I do this a lot” when I acted like a dick when they texted me… but like, where do you get off on wrecking my entire fucking self esteem from this singular experience you had of me…. but they didnt wreck my selfesteem, I never had any, if its so fucking weak that one opinion can wreck it… but thats how serious some of us take the people we sleep with and how they perceive us… like I wasnt looking for self esteem via sex, but I was looking for love –
What I got was my lack of love multiplied, me feeling so unlovable… I am not sure one person ever made me inclined to feel less deserving of love, other than perhaps my mother, and a long term ex or three –
See this has been a real recogning / reckoning for me about loving people… I love like the dog you beat and still wants your love, bc I am searching for love in my life, like many loving creatures, just I always put people on pedestals and romanticize them, and want them to love me, when they just are seeking something from me back that isnt love, a handsome neat identity which I dont have, I have a neat Self, something special
Something assholes will shit on everytime… sometimes an ethical slut aint ethical…. some people order dick like pizza and want a product not a person –
Like, I can’t do that… so, this was a death of my life ever having a one night stand again… they looked like shaved head Lena Dunham, I acted like it –
They just wanted some Adam Driver dick…
I’m not that aloof, just dumb
And by dumb, I mean kind, caring
I just, I felt so safe with this person, that I said that
And I dont think Ill ever feel safe again in that way, naievely, dumbly, blindly…
I thought that if someone wasnt conventionally attractive it was sure to be made up in their hearts
What a dumb cunt am I
All you Trans Exclusionary Feminists can suck it, throw my using the word bitch back at me as if it proves I must be toxic… like, why am I held to a different standard than a girl, bc I am a guy, no, Im a non-binary trans girl, and this bitch listens to hip hop and says bitch… bc this bitch is a lit feminist … and my definition of a feminist is the same as Virginia Woolfs,
“A feminist is any woman who tells the truth about her life” – and I am not afraid of this or any other telling the truth about me, though I know the truth about men in particular is often ugly… and I forget that I too have had my ugly moment, when I put hands on someone I loved… i cant forgive myself for it not ever, and im still mortally wounded in my love for them and sorry for the rest of my life… forever
but this was not that…I am not an ugly person – aside from our text conversation in which I was ugly at having felt so railroaded by the weight of this persons perfect valid hurt, for every persons feelings are valid – just, people have been dumping shit on me since I grew up the scapegoat / identified patient in my family, Cinderella, ashes girl for whom this was a big wakeup moment for me, because I never saw the power I was giving others over me to both validate and invalidate me – the validation I needed
I’ve been seeking an externally driven model of self, based on an external approval of me that I never received, an internal approval so sensitive to how others felt, ive always just been trying to make people happy… but the problem is, those people will use you, and not only will they not be happy after, but they will resent themselves for their treatment of you and take it out on you for “making them” do it to you, for using and devaluing you… it never happens if you value yourself, you see…. but by then, its too late, you’ve already realized they didnt – anyway, I was so angry, I told them in my texts to “tell the judge” and go “post about it on social m3dia” – like I said, I was ugly in my texts… have them all saved, including her reiterating that she consented… just, I fucking am so angry that this happened… but it was nothing less than a revelation to me of how fucking devoid I was of my own value, and how that toxically affected someone else, anyway, this ain’t no huff post pat your self on the back for taking on on the chin for patriarchy puff piece, this just the story of one autism spectrum trans girl with the emotional maturity of an eight year old, maybe five, I don’t know, I dont know what it’s like to have had a loving childhood. And that’s the capital T truth… not that I have some bad mother, she wasnt, she didnt even get love herself growing up, it’s always like that, but my mom put her worthlessness on me, my whole family did and does to this day, it actually reached a fever point this summer, as I watched the death of my naive feeling-loved relationship with my Mother and Sister… I was trying to love these women after they let me be homelessness on Christmas bc of their joined transphobia under the nazi banner of my sisters husband, whom I am no fucking fan of.. for goddamn good reason… but my sister loved my dad and hated me, and my dad was a monster at heart, a true narcissist, selfishness matched only by my mother’s own self-deluded selfishness… it was a fucking war zone growing up… touch was basically absent… as were words of praise, there is a kind of worthlessness only a kid who grows up poor with addict alcoholic parents… like they push you into the water, tell you to swim before you can, and you never learn… then they blame you for drowning… mom, I forgive you okay – but when I realized this summer that my mom and sister did not love me for me, love me, my world crumbled… I fucking fell apart, I went from cheery garden companion to my landlord on weekends, to just, pieces… I fell apart… my whole world… and no one knew bc I had no one to talk to, so I just put all that energy into my activism this past summer, which, was a terrible idea… bc now instead of being mad at my mom and sister, the terrible shitty hand I was dealt in their and my fathers treatment of me, as just neglected whipping boy cinderella… instead of being hurt with my hurt alone, I let myself hurt with those hurting the most – people in prison camps, in countries that start with North Korea and China, and I took my ire onto the world’s leaders for just, this sad fucking terrible state of the world, so bankrupt of integrity, and I did what I thought would make a difference… but mostly I just raged with all my sinew and marrow, against a world that was letting so much worse happen than anything that had ever happened to me, and I put that blame on people with power who I felt did nothing but rubber stamp human rights violations… anyway, I lost my fucking mind… bc my mental health was in shambles after being totally devalued and demeaned by family… my mom literally fucking talks shit about ME to her family, as if, look I’m not the worst… this person is a way bigger trainwreck than me, yeah your child’s personal sufferings in adulthood, after a hellishly traumatic childhood you neglected them with, growing up with the biggest heart in the family and being treated like a fucking septic tank for the family’s problems – Wikipedia- identified patient… the fucking family trauma is so deep and old in my family, on both sides…. I barely survived childhood… I read an interview with this child who had grown up in an eastern European orphanage, he was an adult now, and he pushed everyone away – that’s how it seemed to his family, and I think how they made it to him, but I dont think that’s how it was, I think no one could give this person an adequate amount of love to fill the hole inside of them, or even recognize the hole enough, the wounds, to love the person, I know my exes tried, and they knew I had a bad childhood, but I never really knew how bad it was until now, bc the worst part wasnt no food in the house, it was being left alone to climb onto the counter tops as a child, and eat sugar out of the bag, bc that’s all there was… maybe a couple inches of milk my dad would have berated me for finishing… god never knew a person worse as my dad, but I know they exist, just, hes the worst I ever met, and my mom and sister loved the hell out of him, and held me down as the runt of the litter… sometimes I have felt that my exes or mom or sister just wanted me to kill myself, so they could tell themselves the fault was in me… I was troubled… no, I was sane, compassionate, kind – they werent – look my mom and sister arent bad people, I love them, but like, the lack of love in my family is fucking bone chilling… no love in my house growing up… love is wanting happiness for another… they only ever cared about happiness for themselves, I promise you… there is such a thing as people you love not wanting the best for you, because that would negate the narrative of how bad they been to you, clearly, one undeserving of happiness in their eyes, not even worthy of their worth… when the opposite was true… like, I’m digging up shit okay, I been up all fucking night and day writing this.. bc I have to, it’s the truth, I have enough integrity to remain faithful to truth and enough character to be loyal to it… there ain’t shit I’m trying to run from in my life… I’m trying to run towards it now, bc my 35 years are a wreck of trying to please borderline narcissists who lied to themselves, gaslighting me without even knowing what they are doing… the fucking trauma of un forged emotional bonds.. and I’m sorry to my cute af fat dyke bay area bae, Sara, that my trauma let me attach to this beautiful person in an unhealthy manner during a ONS that I wanted to be a friendship and a love … I’m glad they werent broken too, or else they surely would have loved me… maybe they did… they were pushing me away pretty good telling me they wish they met me at a different time, but I think that was just letting me down easy, after I let them down by not being the prize but treating them as it… anyway, they wanted self esteem from me, and had none extra for me, and I was looking for it in the wrong place, I wasnt looking in the self… but my self had always been so externally oriented to the approval of these parent surrogates, which all my exes were… bc I was a goddamn near feral child… the trauma… I never knew how bad it was, not until this Sara called me out on being the worst kind of clingy… which I am, and it sickens me, bc I have been taught that I am not worthy of love in this world, and I have tried so hard to prove otherwise, by loving these incredible girls whom I tried to be perfect cisgender masculine alpha male to, anyway, this is getting a little huff-Poe-ish, just, you know, I was beat up a lot growing up, I joined the military, I played rugby, and all these things were nothing but fucking attempts to make myself into a man… haha I was Transgender as a fucking child… on the autism spectrum good and hard too… I just, I masked it all under a self that I was loving women to sell me… their version of me… and that’s exactly – all I wanted to be, but, was never good enough for them, kind of like I was never good enough for my parents or my sister, but the real truth was just that I wasnt good enough for myself, if I was, I would have been calling them out on their shit instead of trying to perfect mine and taking my failure to live up to their perfect conception of me, like my mother wanted, like many American woman had hoped to find but never did, and the fault was always w me… bc if there is a single quality that defines my exes – besides being good-hearted American brunettes, from easy backgrounds, it would be a complete lack of ability to take personal responsibility for any thing ever, I was the fucking scapegoat in my childhood and my relationships… my exes still have a myth of me, each of them, their own, written me off with the hate only someone has who loves you, whom you loved… anyway, I’m really fucking traumatized from a life of loving these Cassandra’s, from being the fly in their ointment, the misspending of their youth… if only they loved me the same way I still fucking love them… but I guess that’s a broken part of me too, they all repeated the abandonment and neglect of my childhood ultimately…. I was just thrown under the bus of time as a sunk cost, a waste in their lives of trying to make me into who they swore I was going to be come hell or high water, good goddamn do my exes have some strong wills. They are the last women I will ever love. Because love isnt safe for me. And, it was always a house of cards… always so delicate and conditional… anyway I am shaken to the fucking core after this experience… after waking up to all it allowed me to see, even if it took a poison arrow to do it, more hurt inside… it was the last hurt… I can never give someone the power to love me again, I can never love again. That was it. I tried. But I’m not fucking killing myself goddamnit, as hard as that would make their clits, I just cant be the lost cause in their book, I wasn’t- as victor hugo wrote in Les Mis, one of my favorites, though Toilers of the Sea is more like me, Gilliat, anyway, just, as he wrote, “There are times when no matter the position of the body, the soul is on its knees” – and this is one, I just cried something awful… bc I realize, in my heart, instead of being abandoned by one mother, I was abandoned by four… that’s what they were to me…. I dont know love, I just know wanting to be good enough… Martin Eden, trying to be worthy of the drawing room girls, god my exes are paintings… exquisitely beautiful… but there I was always, trying to be good enough, kickflipping with your little brother in the backyard on prom night while your dad showed his ferraris to the other boys… he didnt invite me in the garage, so I took his last name… I think that boy, who grew up poor, was a lot like me on the inside, and he hated it bc he thought I wasnt good enough for his daughter who would rip my fucking heart out by fucking my best friend and mentor, another multi millionaire self made person… I tend to have been lucky to have been liked by some of those, the last was my landlord, we were friends until I lost my heart this summer and the sun set in me, but the sun’s really down now… I can just see in the dark… and it hurts, so I medicate to cover up my war wounds, to dim the light… to numb the pain… and I did this summer and combined with my human rights activism I lost my fucking head… just trying to fight for this world…. I have fought for everyone but myself… and now I look, and it’s just me, in a house I wrecked, not the first, but definitely the last … I dont even know what to say… just… I want to accept my pain bc I can feel it all now… I’m someone who sleeps on the floor like the count of monte cristo… bc I grew up without a bed, why provide myself one now… lord knows I haven’t dated for two years and the story you heard above, the impetus for all this, was what I got for trying… and I have to take care of this terribly fucking war torn little boy… one who was supposed to end up either dead or Alexander The Great.. and since I’m not dead, I’ll be Alexander, but in truth, I’d rather be Diogenes, for I am the wild dog philosopher himself, look in at the C-PTSD diorama of my home, I always break the fucking windows when I lose it… okay, well, one other time before this… it’s not that I have mental health issues, I have mental health struggles bc I have been so left alone in life… no one even has my number… i pushed all my friends away this summer when I felt they werent fans of me as my true self, tired of trying to Bradley Cooper elephant man myself into their cis het mental doppelganger of me, so I could be perfect cool dude… I’m pretty cool, I mean, self awareness is cool, personal responsibility is cool…. I will never drink alcohol in excess again, in part due to tinnitus it exacerbates, but also, just, I dont do that to myself anyway, the devil can have a devil may care attitude but I cant… bc I do care about me, and what’s more, I really care about other people… but I always cared about them more than me, as if my mom’s adult emotions were vastly paramount to my child feelings… which were never acknowledgized… yeah I made up that word… but yeah, some of my bad boy behavior was selfish in the years, but my selfishness never came first… I have always strove to be genuine bc I am…. and unfortunately, these crisis of love, of identity, in my life, have always been so near deadly for me… but I’m gonna make it… I knew if I made it to this day I would… the day when my loving beautiful version of the world died… all that love, all the years and energy I poured into these relationships…. I’ll never be able to do that again… my heart is ice, and I’m shook as fuck about it, and I’m just trying to process this… I have processed more than 6ou can imagine… now I’m just sitting in th4 wreckage, floating, on my own island, like my childhood hero, Robinson Crusoe…. guess I crucified myself, I mean crusoe-fied… some people are so strong they have to end up alone, with themselves …. and it’s really hard, cause I had hoped to find love that I could hang my identity on, like I never had.. a family, and mine is just me, and my mom, like a resentful sister, and my sister, like a resentful sister … I’m happy to be presented for not living up to their bullshit, anyway, I feel like war baby sylvia plath, and I just cut my lip open shaving, and I see a wolf in the mirror… not a bad one… no this wolf is no predator… but I’m doing being prey, everybody wanted me in their collection… even the department of defense… and they got me for life…. but that’s a long story, and I’m tired of telling them, I just need to go cry in the shower… I’ve got a baby to take care of, myself… god damn am I seeing through new eyes… Just, this fucking war baby, like the Roddy Ricch song… and like Future raps, “If the streets dont kill you first they gon make you scrong” and I think I am maybe strong for the first time ever… bc there is nothing I will not look at in the light of day now… anyway, this is just a new dawn of self awareness for me, war baby sylvia plath… and I think I’m going to be a champion now that I know the pitfalls of life, my wounds, and just how terribly fucking much it hurts to have a good heart like me and be maligned… usually deserved… its just… I never want anyone to say, there goes a bad person, bc that would be a lie – and the truth isnt pretty but it’s better than the lie, anyway, make no mistakes, my eyes havent been this clear since never .. and yeah, I can see my faults, I know my errors, I’ve always written about them, for over a decade here, and I’m not going anywhere, and all this will be further explored in my memoirs… just, examining my own pain, and every wrong I ever did… I was lucky to be born with something my father never had, a conscience…. and its the greatest thing… bc I want a future in this world as a serious writer of fucking books, and I want more than that… I want to be a living testament to this time period, for all its hypocrisy… anyway, just, I dont have to watch my back, I have no dirt on me I havent shovelled out and excavated here… and this dirt hardly more than dust – and believe me, at this point, I’m stainless from here on out… this was my citrinitas… I have finally related all my life and my suffering back to reality… I just didnt realize how lonely of an eternity that reality would be, and I never want to enter someone else’s story again… this is my fucking life… its not a narrative, I’m no huckster, this G shit, that Yin transformation … I mean, I’m just looking at the slinky all compressed for the first time, and I can see the truth of my life all now… and it kinda starts today, going to go throw my carcass in the shower now that the vultures cant get it… and yeah, they’ll still smell the blood on me, but I will not be anyone’s prey or sport or cock buyers remorse, or fucking bachelor candidate… I’m just fucking getting eligible, but I think I’ll keep my nose clean and cash in this check I’ve got, it’s got a lot of zeroes, but there finally a leading digit… it’s just a 1, cause it’s just going to be me at the top, as single as Bruce fucking Wayne… and not bc I … but bc I grew up traumatized and ultimately this trauma has left me alone, closed and whole hearted… unto myself, alone in a world I now am very careful to protect, I have a life to steward, a career to launch… cue Look At me Now, Caroline Polacheck … and no, it’s not ambition or success that drive me… anyone who knows me knows that… what drives me is the homeless trans kids, basically how I grew up… and goddamn do they need love… I cant give them that, I mean, I do love them, but I know now, love is not something you can give to someone, bc love can only be shared, if it’s not shared, it’s not love…. but they still love me… while somehow never having really loved me, bc I did not have love for all of me…. anyway I’m boring the fuck out of myself. Gotta go do shit for war baby sylvia plath… her life kinda fucking wrecky rn…. all I can say is, RD LAING, I need to read all your work… bc I think it’s on the money… god fuck… I think I’m finally going to understand what Lana means

Night of Day

ER, err, grr, free Uighur Muslims

I wish I could he this cool in the light of day,
But I never am

So here I am,
Up again

Drinkin that Prolly water,
I don’t know, its prolly water

No bitch Molly water
Ain’t gonna kill myself, I heal myself

I don’t need you,
I feel myself

Play with the boy all day,
Can’t put him back on the shelf; Self

And AI’ll be trans forever
Transnit to myself forever

Business and pleasure
My life twine in more ways than one these days

And it calls me back now,

Mortal Sadness

I’ve felt my mortality all week,
And sadnesses just as deep:
Children dying alone in war torn counties,
Of starvation, [Yemen, Syria]…
The girl of fifteen, dying of cancer, who has never been held,
And would like to be held by her younger brother, only if for a moment… if only…
Children who live alone in hospital rooms, stuck in the quiet… fated to grow up without love, though being loving and needing love no less themselves
You don’t know the half,
Told you those mushrooms kicked my ass
And here, I am going to say something unpolular:
All that suffering – no amount of suffering – can lessen my own, does lessen my own:
As if by Stoic comparisons I could somehow negate the facts,
It doesn’t work like that –
Though that never stopped my father from calling baloney on all my feelings and saying, to my crying, to my pain, to my shame:
“Stop that. Kids have it way worse than you. You don’t know what it is to suffer.”;
Oh he showed me what it was to suffer,
I knew in so many ways, too many,
Alone for years too, from my earliest,
Stuck in the quiet, incalcuably sad – and no less loving than other children, or less needing of love:
I am trans, born this way, I was a highly sensitive autism spectrum child – both these facts ignored, mind you,
As unknown to my parents as was i
And my dad said we were “rich in love”;
Untrue, like many things my dad would say;
It’s no wonder his generation liked Trump –
They say it takes one to know one, but if one deludes oneself they have no ability to objectively view their biases, their bullshit toxicity,
Hateful prejudiced people, unloving
Bullies, people who assault the weak,
That’s what my dad was.
And my mom thinks i’m a piece of shit…
As Grimes sings, in California, “things they see in me I cannot see myself”
My father did not pass his attributes to me, they did –
They, for my sister too has some crap ass view of me, like i’m just some lazy, selfish, asshole – and that last word is the one she uses: a projection couldn’t be clearer
But they’d rather hate their bad qualities in you than in themselves,
And if you have qualities they do not, they too will feel spite towards this;
I’m not good enough and somehow too good in their minds – for my dad is dead [he made a point NOT to say goodbye to me],
So yeah, I just got the mom and the sister,
Who I do not see, nor my niece and nephew
Transphobia is so nazi,
I do not get it –
I’ve never, by and large, understood others
And I’ve been an outcast, a loner, my whole life
Yeah I know a little suffering,
But instead of compassion for it, I’ve been made to bear the entire weight
As if friendless = loser, defective –
They quantify you as not enough,
Because they can’t qualify you as enough…
I find it wonderous the women in my family deride me as somehow unworthy of them, as if their mates were the mark and measure of worth,
Yeah, my brother in law always hated me too
They have their stories. I am always the bad one.
I grew up cinderella in my family, lonely like quasimodo
And through the losses I have faced in life, struggles, being trans and homeless, I never received compassion from my family in regards my challenges
For they somehown think I blew every bridge with malice, instead of that I dated colder girls, bc that was all I knew,
Or that trans people are disproportionately homeless, often because of family disowning them –
And my mom just sent an email to all five of my extended relatives telling them all her perceived character deficits I possess, so she can explain to herself why she isn’t going to share her mom’s estate with me
Enjoy your money I told her,
And I meant it, bc I want the people I love to be happy,
Because that’s what love is
I just had the bum luck to be the identified patient [google this if u r a black sheep] in a textbook dysfunctional family, which is really a fucked thing, bc its when one person becomes a bearer of the family’s shadow, though they are actually the healthy, sane one, and everyone else is fucked in the head –
Though my mom made sure to tell my relatives I had been “in a mental hospital recently”,
A perfectly sane reaction to an insane situation… though it need be said I was unlawfully detained, my rights were violated, and I was put in a psych ward by a transphobic homeland security agent… but even my insanity is sane
Continuing the words of bad ass R.D. LAING:
“Insanity is the only sane reaction to an insane society”
The country has been programmed for decades with xenophobic, capitalist, republican narratives about what life is supposed to be like, who is worthy of esteem and who is not…. as if dignity wears a suit… couldn’t be further from the truth:
Untold millions love Donald Trump,
The whole world hates me
Who knew that an Darth Vader would be so embraced while transgender skywalker is hated,
Clearly I am the problem in this country,
Just like I am the problem in my family
Gary Jules, its a fucking mad world indeed;
I feel like this is a bad twilight zone episode, where like, a person from another planet has a toothache and walks into a dentist, relieved to see someone who can help, only, the dentist asks for insurance… a club you pay to be in to have health care, at which point someone explains to this person that ‘if they have skils they can get a job and make money’
“Well, what skills do you have son?”, asks an older white man, menacingly
“None, well, you’re a worthless piece of shit and deserve the toothache”,
Because thats what society does every day,
Across a million inequities
To say nothing of the millions of humans, Uyghur, Tibetan, and North Korean, trapped in modern day straight up concentration camps –
This world is not free, there are no “good guys”, just a bunch of psycho sycophants and ignorant cogs upholding the american way:
“I got mine, fuck you” since 1776
And now they are fucking us from all sides, because unilateral warfare within our own borders works as well as it do it other nations, better, hell, “the stock markets doing great” –
Only, the top 1% owns half the value of the stock market, and the top 10% own ninety percent of the market,
No, rich people are doing great;
The stock market is not the economy,
Unless you are rich…
Guess who owns the real estate:
Rents have become criminal,
They should be half what they are,
And min wages should be double what they are –
Only, we are all getting fucked off on the balance sheet,
Squeezed down to nothing but an asset or a liability, and if you’re a liability, a freak like me, your life will be hard, and just about the whole world will judge you wortless – everybody but your own family,
Just kidding, they are as caught up in the funny mirror of society as anyone, and, in my case, are my biggest judges
It’s fucking great
Did I mention my tinnitus is horrible from the moment I wake, or that I found a small, tender lump near my groin this morning
Christ, don’t let me die like this;
My fight for the world is just getting started…
Besides, my haters will never be satisfied with cancer taking me out, they want me to kill myself, and have yeeted me into the margins with no doubt in my mind as to the subconscious awareness that suicide would be a possibility…
But I survived those attempts
I survive every day, literally
I know what drives me,
And its not myself
It is my lifelong twineness with suffering, sadness, and pain that ties me to others I do not know
It’s justice that I want –
And justice isn’t just about assigning blame and punishing the injust – though, that must happen, and, through history, the latter part will – but it remains to also fix or correct, to recompense the injustice, to right the situation that hurts people
Injustices like poverty, no healthcare, housing… microbiome and nervous system inequalites
Though, in cases such as the continued nurder of black people by police, the lack of justice is a direct part of the injustice, a slap in the face of justice, so justice not done, only grows the injustice –
What I see happening in the case of Breonna Taylor’s killers, is that someone real high up is siding with them [HER MURDERERS], which Trump does,
So, it is by way of unofficial national policy that police are killing black people
Hitler did all his worst shit by way of verbal or unspoken command, for his underlings all wanted to fulfill the will of the Führer, their Führerprinzip, or leader principle meant that Hitler’s word was above the law, and loyalty, total obedience to his word was demanded, down from the highest to the lowest beneath him
We see this today under trump, its like a cult… and with Bill ‘Virus mandates are almost worse than slavery’ Barr as the head of justice in this country, it just seems like all the real administrative cucks and pen clickers are feeling extra injudicious these days
Well, goddamnit, just seeing this on twitter everywhere, came in four mintes ago
“(AP) — No officers charged directly in Breonna Taylor’s death; 1 faces 3 counts over shooting into neighboring apartments.”
Fuck. That is such bullshit. They are letting the killers off. It was ruled a homicide. Shit’s going to pop off. But thats exactly what Trump wants, remember, he’s the law and order president who thinks looters should be shot: he wants footage of violence so he can demonize “the left” as lawless anarchists and looters, and show his base, just how bad their boogey man is
This is a shit time for America
Biden will help, provided he is elected and makes it into office, if ever there was a coup, it would be Trump blaming voter fraud, refusing to abscond, rejecting the election results, and riling his base up into a fever –
Shitcan still get worse
It just amazes me how few people are on the political stage at the top, we had to wheel in Biden on a forklift dolly, and put him on adderal [my baseless assertion]
Just, like, where are the likeable, sane, humanitarian presidential candidates, you’d think a lot of people would dedicate their lives to getting that job, and that we would have a well known stable of candidates, but the fact is, a billionaire is not qualified to be president, bc the job requires compassion for others at large, and billionaires have not that
They are out of touch,
But your regular, in touch person, has no power, no name, no chance –
The executive branch has too much power:
So does the judicial
So does the legislative
They all decide on issues that should be decided upon by the citizens on a direct vote:
Instead, citizens vote for who decides for them
People should run shit,
Not this dictatorial old white mans club of chodes –
So yeah, that’s the sum of my current political philosophy:
Our system is antique, and it’s grown into a gross show – rather than serving “we the people”, it serves the corporations and their ajoined owner class,
And our financial system puts the wealthiest in league together with corporate financial performance as their driving bottomline… and all the lobbying and donating and schmoozing they do is for the sole purpose of enriching themselves, protecting their wealth
The rich run this zoo, and they watch us die without health care
It’s like, what will change?
We couldn’t even stay in the Paris Climate Agreement…
Our rights are now at stake bc a lifetime judge to a supreme court died, and they want to pack the bench with another anti choice, anti LGBTQAI judge to roll shit back,
You know, to make america great again,
So that traditional cisgender able bodied neurotypical males can feel manly and like they personally, through their great genetics, earned all their priviledge…
Fuck these people
Discompassionate, anti-life wannabe tough guys:
You know who is really tough: trans women,
Thats the reality,
She is braver than them
And desired by them too,
A combination of feelings that often makes being around cisgender people and men in general an unwelcoming , cold, unfriendly – and too often unsafe experience for trans folx
I envy trans couples. Or trans / cis lesbian couples. It would be nice to have a hand to hold, someone to comfort me against fears of death when I find a lump and my heart sinks,
Someone to comfort me when I am afraid
Like this soundbite on the halsey album says, “I’m just a fucked up girl looking for her own peace of mind, don’t assign me your’s”. But that’s a lie. I can give you yours. But it’s not comforting lies. The truth. Mortal sadness. Delicate times.