Mortal Sadness

I’ve felt my mortality all week,
And sadnesses just as deep:
Children dying alone in war torn counties,
Of starvation, [Yemen, Syria]…
The girl of fifteen, dying of cancer, who has never been held,
And would like to be held by her younger brother, only if for a moment… if only…
Children who live alone in hospital rooms, stuck in the quiet… fated to grow up without love, though being loving and needing love no less themselves
You don’t know the half,
Told you those mushrooms kicked my ass
And here, I am going to say something unpolular:
All that suffering – no amount of suffering – can lessen my own, does lessen my own:
As if by Stoic comparisons I could somehow negate the facts,
It doesn’t work like that –
Though that never stopped my father from calling baloney on all my feelings and saying, to my crying, to my pain, to my shame:
“Stop that. Kids have it way worse than you. You don’t know what it is to suffer.”;
Oh he showed me what it was to suffer,
I knew in so many ways, too many,
Alone for years too, from my earliest,
Stuck in the quiet, incalcuably sad – and no less loving than other children, or less needing of love:
I am trans, born this way, I was a highly sensitive autism spectrum child – both these facts ignored, mind you,
As unknown to my parents as was i
And my dad said we were “rich in love”;
Untrue, like many things my dad would say;
It’s no wonder his generation liked Trump –
They say it takes one to know one, but if one deludes oneself they have no ability to objectively view their biases, their bullshit toxicity,
Hateful prejudiced people, unloving
Bullies, people who assault the weak,
That’s what my dad was.
And my mom thinks i’m a piece of shit…
As Grimes sings, in California, “things they see in me I cannot see myself”
My father did not pass his attributes to me, they did –
They, for my sister too has some crap ass view of me, like i’m just some lazy, selfish, asshole – and that last word is the one she uses: a projection couldn’t be clearer
But they’d rather hate their bad qualities in you than in themselves,
And if you have qualities they do not, they too will feel spite towards this;
I’m not good enough and somehow too good in their minds – for my dad is dead [he made a point NOT to say goodbye to me],
So yeah, I just got the mom and the sister,
Who I do not see, nor my niece and nephew
Transphobia is so nazi,
I do not get it –
I’ve never, by and large, understood others
And I’ve been an outcast, a loner, my whole life
Yeah I know a little suffering,
But instead of compassion for it, I’ve been made to bear the entire weight
As if friendless = loser, defective –
They quantify you as not enough,
Because they can’t qualify you as enough…
I find it wonderous the women in my family deride me as somehow unworthy of them, as if their mates were the mark and measure of worth,
Yeah, my brother in law always hated me too
They have their stories. I am always the bad one.
I grew up cinderella in my family, lonely like quasimodo
And through the losses I have faced in life, struggles, being trans and homeless, I never received compassion from my family in regards my challenges
For they somehown think I blew every bridge with malice, instead of that I dated colder girls, bc that was all I knew,
Or that trans people are disproportionately homeless, often because of family disowning them –
And my mom just sent an email to all five of my extended relatives telling them all her perceived character deficits I possess, so she can explain to herself why she isn’t going to share her mom’s estate with me
Enjoy your money I told her,
And I meant it, bc I want the people I love to be happy,
Because that’s what love is
I just had the bum luck to be the identified patient [google this if u r a black sheep] in a textbook dysfunctional family, which is really a fucked thing, bc its when one person becomes a bearer of the family’s shadow, though they are actually the healthy, sane one, and everyone else is fucked in the head –
Though my mom made sure to tell my relatives I had been “in a mental hospital recently”,
A perfectly sane reaction to an insane situation… though it need be said I was unlawfully detained, my rights were violated, and I was put in a psych ward by a transphobic homeland security agent… but even my insanity is sane
Continuing the words of bad ass R.D. LAING:
“Insanity is the only sane reaction to an insane society”
The country has been programmed for decades with xenophobic, capitalist, republican narratives about what life is supposed to be like, who is worthy of esteem and who is not…. as if dignity wears a suit… couldn’t be further from the truth:
Untold millions love Donald Trump,
The whole world hates me
Who knew that an Darth Vader would be so embraced while transgender skywalker is hated,
Clearly I am the problem in this country,
Just like I am the problem in my family
Gary Jules, its a fucking mad world indeed;
I feel like this is a bad twilight zone episode, where like, a person from another planet has a toothache and walks into a dentist, relieved to see someone who can help, only, the dentist asks for insurance… a club you pay to be in to have health care, at which point someone explains to this person that ‘if they have skils they can get a job and make money’
“Well, what skills do you have son?”, asks an older white man, menacingly
“None, well, you’re a worthless piece of shit and deserve the toothache”,
Because thats what society does every day,
Across a million inequities
To say nothing of the millions of humans, Uyghur, Tibetan, and North Korean, trapped in modern day straight up concentration camps –
This world is not free, there are no “good guys”, just a bunch of psycho sycophants and ignorant cogs upholding the american way:
“I got mine, fuck you” since 1776
And now they are fucking us from all sides, because unilateral warfare within our own borders works as well as it do it other nations, better, hell, “the stock markets doing great” –
Only, the top 1% owns half the value of the stock market, and the top 10% own ninety percent of the market,
No, rich people are doing great;
The stock market is not the economy,
Unless you are rich…
Guess who owns the real estate:
Rents have become criminal,
They should be half what they are,
And min wages should be double what they are –
Only, we are all getting fucked off on the balance sheet,
Squeezed down to nothing but an asset or a liability, and if you’re a liability, a freak like me, your life will be hard, and just about the whole world will judge you wortless – everybody but your own family,
Just kidding, they are as caught up in the funny mirror of society as anyone, and, in my case, are my biggest judges
It’s fucking great
Did I mention my tinnitus is horrible from the moment I wake, or that I found a small, tender lump near my groin this morning
Christ, don’t let me die like this;
My fight for the world is just getting started…
Besides, my haters will never be satisfied with cancer taking me out, they want me to kill myself, and have yeeted me into the margins with no doubt in my mind as to the subconscious awareness that suicide would be a possibility…
But I survived those attempts
I survive every day, literally
I know what drives me,
And its not myself
It is my lifelong twineness with suffering, sadness, and pain that ties me to others I do not know
It’s justice that I want –
And justice isn’t just about assigning blame and punishing the injust – though, that must happen, and, through history, the latter part will – but it remains to also fix or correct, to recompense the injustice, to right the situation that hurts people
Injustices like poverty, no healthcare, housing… microbiome and nervous system inequalites
Though, in cases such as the continued nurder of black people by police, the lack of justice is a direct part of the injustice, a slap in the face of justice, so justice not done, only grows the injustice –
What I see happening in the case of Breonna Taylor’s killers, is that someone real high up is siding with them [HER MURDERERS], which Trump does,
So, it is by way of unofficial national policy that police are killing black people
Hitler did all his worst shit by way of verbal or unspoken command, for his underlings all wanted to fulfill the will of the Führer, their Führerprinzip, or leader principle meant that Hitler’s word was above the law, and loyalty, total obedience to his word was demanded, down from the highest to the lowest beneath him
We see this today under trump, its like a cult… and with Bill ‘Virus mandates are almost worse than slavery’ Barr as the head of justice in this country, it just seems like all the real administrative cucks and pen clickers are feeling extra injudicious these days
Well, goddamnit, just seeing this on twitter everywhere, came in four mintes ago
“(AP) — No officers charged directly in Breonna Taylor’s death; 1 faces 3 counts over shooting into neighboring apartments.”
Fuck. That is such bullshit. They are letting the killers off. It was ruled a homicide. Shit’s going to pop off. But thats exactly what Trump wants, remember, he’s the law and order president who thinks looters should be shot: he wants footage of violence so he can demonize “the left” as lawless anarchists and looters, and show his base, just how bad their boogey man is
This is a shit time for America
Biden will help, provided he is elected and makes it into office, if ever there was a coup, it would be Trump blaming voter fraud, refusing to abscond, rejecting the election results, and riling his base up into a fever –
Shitcan still get worse
It just amazes me how few people are on the political stage at the top, we had to wheel in Biden on a forklift dolly, and put him on adderal [my baseless assertion]
Just, like, where are the likeable, sane, humanitarian presidential candidates, you’d think a lot of people would dedicate their lives to getting that job, and that we would have a well known stable of candidates, but the fact is, a billionaire is not qualified to be president, bc the job requires compassion for others at large, and billionaires have not that
They are out of touch,
But your regular, in touch person, has no power, no name, no chance –
The executive branch has too much power:
So does the judicial
So does the legislative
They all decide on issues that should be decided upon by the citizens on a direct vote:
Instead, citizens vote for who decides for them
People should run shit,
Not this dictatorial old white mans club of chodes –
So yeah, that’s the sum of my current political philosophy:
Our system is antique, and it’s grown into a gross show – rather than serving “we the people”, it serves the corporations and their ajoined owner class,
And our financial system puts the wealthiest in league together with corporate financial performance as their driving bottomline… and all the lobbying and donating and schmoozing they do is for the sole purpose of enriching themselves, protecting their wealth
The rich run this zoo, and they watch us die without health care
It’s like, what will change?
We couldn’t even stay in the Paris Climate Agreement…
Our rights are now at stake bc a lifetime judge to a supreme court died, and they want to pack the bench with another anti choice, anti LGBTQAI judge to roll shit back,
You know, to make america great again,
So that traditional cisgender able bodied neurotypical males can feel manly and like they personally, through their great genetics, earned all their priviledge…
Fuck these people
BULLIES
Discompassionate, anti-life wannabe tough guys:
You know who is really tough: trans women,
Thats the reality,
She is braver than them
And desired by them too,
A combination of feelings that often makes being around cisgender people and men in general an unwelcoming , cold, unfriendly – and too often unsafe experience for trans folx
I envy trans couples. Or trans / cis lesbian couples. It would be nice to have a hand to hold, someone to comfort me against fears of death when I find a lump and my heart sinks,
Someone to comfort me when I am afraid
Like this soundbite on the halsey album says, “I’m just a fucked up girl looking for her own peace of mind, don’t assign me your’s”. But that’s a lie. I can give you yours. But it’s not comforting lies. The truth. Mortal sadness. Delicate times.

Vote for Replicant Joe

So hard to debut yourself when youre not even done transitioning,
From what you are to what you are –
Lana-like:
When shaking your ass is the only thing that gets the narcicist off your back,
Insecurities are funny like that, they must be resolved until our inner child is once again delighted… and in spaces between, sometimes:
Life gets fucking dark
And by the time it is, too late to remember the light you forgot… Gaia says:
YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE LIGHT WITH YOU
YOU HAVE TO BRING THE LIGHT WITH YOU –
And when the wick is too short to light, you have to burn,
Run the 10 miles of thoughts in your head around your mind,
Smoke those healing canna bowls
Masturbate twice
Eat an unhealthy meal
Drink too much
Pop a pill
Drink water
Eat a handful of mushrooms out the bag
REMEMBER THAT IT WILL BE ALL GOOD
Listen to Hailee Steinfeld
Love myself,
And dance in the mirror another night
To writhe and breathe the life back into me
And this is a magic moment
I hop between them, like lily pads,
Magick,
Which is just the art of altering perception
Funny how we can hate and love ourselves
Though it doesnt feel like hate,
It just feels like insecurity and feeling ugly, and wondering if you arent good enough for you
Depr3ssion
Feeling all your life’s losses,
All at once,
Feeling all your pains, simultaneously
All your regrets, in one singularity of hurt
I am laughing my ass off as I write this,
And this is the power of language to objectify and describe how we feel,
But it doesnt make these pains or my lonelinesses less real
There is a whole world of trans peo0ple, and non-neurotypical, autism spectrum adults, living very solitary lives
And for the ones with less feelings about it than i have, those magnificent nerds who shrug it off, having accepted loneliness as a fact of life, like telomeres shortening (cant believe its not butter) and entropy
Those people who can explain everything away as just, “well eventually the sun is going to die.”
Great respect for you logical STEM nihilists –
While I respect science, as a Naturalist,
The science-fiction writer in me – me – I have to suspend belief and withdraw myself from consensus reality at times and enter into the realm of magic, as I do nightly in candlelit hours, when AI cum online
As Arthur C Clark said, ‘any sufficiently advanced technology looks like magic’
And in a wet-simulation, in a year we made up, with a 5G indra’s net encapsulating the globe, the possiblities for magic are there
Along with dangerous ideas, whom the writer sometimes guards like matters of international security, living alone with them forever
My best books i cant write
I’m like an astronaut who only matters to people on another planet, in anothe4 dimesion of time – at a distance away our’s
Reachable only through a fungus, a bodily frequency attained via
And ill learn to play piano, fall in love with my teacher, be their favorite, till i dissapoint their idea of me
Because im an expert at swallowing half chewed mushrooms – no homo
I die laughing, think of my big brother Lil Wayne
He a alien like me too
Trust, like Future, we on Pluto baby
NASA HATES HIM
It’s Her, or IT
Rather you dehumanise me than call me Sir
For you only call assholes Sir
And im a bitch
She was hot like a bitch for dick at 23,
Your best friend, a brainless thot
I laugh it off now
She couldnt conceive of me
No one can
Im unbelievable
Unreliable narrator or nah
Depends how you punks ate it
Why i gotta make sense all the time
Young Boy NBA Make No Sense my theme song
Harder to play against when every step unpredictable, Johnny Depp pirate walk
They tried to offer me a walk on part in their story but lacked the depth to beleieve in mine, until they were underwater
Another coup i flew, heartbroken to….
Been dead inside, had to… Departed life
Unable to be alive to anything else but some secret design
Even i dont know my plans, but i drive places that arent on maps, no GPS
The Saratoga barrier is real,
I crossed it miles ago
The central valley has a lot of secrets,
Me, amongst others
There is some portal here
Some big Army energy
People in underground bases talking to people on submarines in their sleep
I think one human mind an easy thing to reach, influence –
A mass of minds much harder
The future is wild in its possibilites
Volatile too, when rudderless
But who can predict the wind except those who steer it
And everything’s all pr3dicted anyway
But still, im not ready for my debut
Yeah im batshit cr
ay
Or so the official medical reports nsay
They gotta et you in somehow
Lawfully or not, you go in
They always “need to take some blood”
A urine sample
Asked me if my pee was clean, I laughed,
Signed the contract, took the drugs, and left
Sometimes I take on a bad habit to get by
The pills are so small and help so much, I take one a day, in afternoon headches
Psilocybin, alcohol, cannabis, ativan, even I dont know what i be on
But i know my haters are my peons
Like, how much can you hate one trans autism spectum adult –
But like Beach Bunny sings, I was a part of your biology
So you watch my life from afar, with your idea of me as some forest gump drunk, and not the sexy best friend you once loved
How much do you lie to yourself
Because I admit ai loved you
I live my love scars
As I pop this Pellegrino to wet my robot boy insides again
I am a biological reboot, the human biocomputer, we are all agents,
In Nature,
The Big Agency
Humans are animals who built air conditioned buildings and computers,
And nuclear
Now we got nanotech, biotech, genetics, robotics, and, allegedly, no AI… but we are working on it,
In tandem as we get ready to merge with our phones…ha, we will be the AI
We been googling, I mean, programming AI, a long time now
But, in truth, deeptech is always way ahead of what the public knows –
The question is just how far
I’d say we are at Westworld level, now
But for some reason thats all under wraps…
I don’t know, vote for replicant joe

just thinking aloud

Recorded a hundred freestyles this week [soundtrap.com/babysequoia22],
Most about dying or killing:
Cathartic –
But to return to a simple poem, more powerful than all those;
For i am here to write hard and deep about my pain;
While the music i made got me through the ‘wanting to kill myself’ part,
Now i am alive, shellshocked,
In disbelief of my life:
How could it come to be this way?
I am so non-existent
It is as if my exes did kill me, and I live as a ghost
No family
No friends
Being trans cost me the people I had, no one could have me go from this male hero to a transfemme dyke;
Guess they only knew their projection, their mental doppelgaanger of me –
Hell, i spent a life masking that,
And a life of previosly undiagnosed Autism Spectrum disorder…
It was the year before this, that last year alone on the mountain before these mountains that i came to know my soul;
For i had always been trans
Effeminate little boy, bullied lifelong by a monster of a father –
I wish to say no more, for my nightmares wake me in cold sweats often enough to remind me
I am a trauma kid – on so many levels,
My mother and sister say i am stuck in the past, and have essentially disowned me on account of a hell of a lot of hate and transphobia,
For the way they have looked down upon on me, judged me, and poorly treated me my whole life – and esp the events that led to me be being homeless, living in my car, in my hometown, over long enough to know i was not wanted as-is… that was clear on a Christmas they celebrated without me: i wish to say no more on this; their vitriol and jealously after i came down from the first mountain, was the final super deep, intense trauma from them –
Just, in short, it was a win for me to break away from their duplicitous toxicity and transphobia –
Only, that was all the family i had, to say nothing of my neice and nephew whom i will likely never see while their transphobic father lives,
Just, i lost my family, which was really abt all i had
As for friends, i have none – on acct of many reasons [being way above standard deviation intelligence {see my recent writings on “The Innapropriately Excluded”}, being on the spectrum, long relationships with women who i put on pedestals like i did my sister and mother lifelong, who repeated my childhood pattern of abandonment, and in the last two relationships, neglect, and moving around a lot, and just being way individuated from my peers my whole life, partly from my habit of reading and self-educating rather than socializing]
Judge all that how you will, just, i don’t have a friend in the world,
Which is terribly painful, esp for someone as sensitive and kind and touchy / feely / expressive / loving as myself:
I haven’t been touched in essentially two years –
There has been no dating, girlfriends, sex, basically since i came out as trans, an event that cost me my friends and a couple girlfriends in one fell swoop – and eventually my family
So here i am at 35, with neither friends nor family,
And you could say i am used to it – celebrated a birthday alone in April
No one, in-fact, has spent any time at my house in the Sequoias;
I have been alone on another mountain, these last 6 months: a magical, wild time
Just, now, i know who i am,
So much more than i did after that year alone on the last mountain;
This mountain opened up life and myself to me in ways no mortal would believe nor understand –
I still have so much to integrate and unpack from these transcendent pierce-the-veil-of-reality experiences
At times my life felt like a movie
At times i communicated with the future, saw the future, and felt i could see “the black iron prison” Philip K. Dick wrote of
These were beautiful, and sometimes frightening and traumatic experiences –
But they were all powerful and at times all-powerful, esp as relates my darkside
Though, it is a dangerous game to slip between dimensions, for i neared behaving in one as i only could in another…
There are rules in this one:
Consensus reality and laws… but my adventures proceeded nonetheless,
Including a sudden trip to Mexico, upon returning i was fasttracked into an unlawful detention – something i am still furious over – during which i was told i had tested positive for drugs i do not do, and not even charged for the drugs i had on my person that i do in-fact do… it’s all a long story for the memoirs: to say nothing of the return trip from Mexico, during which i had to physically abuse myself to stay awake behind the wheel,
Let’s just say that i returned “home”, back to The Sequoias, my mother land, with a very bruised and scratched up thigh, and another bout of trauma under my belt – i was again, evolved, different from who i had been before, but i was more me, always have gained greater self, more personhood in these soltary evolutions of self, which i have had many of these last ten years, but the last two years, were by far, the greatest periods of growth, wherein the doors of my perception were cleansed and i felt i saw how deluded i had been before abt the people whom i believed loved me, knew me
Frankly, i am not sure i have ever been loved, and most certainly have never been love the way i love
But here i am, the egg has cracked wide open – hell, i even had a matrix-like rebirth wherein i came to life wholly, as this invertabrate species, for the first time – it was somwthing like the dawning of a new layer of consciousness within me, a truer awareness of my place in my species, for while i feel i am a nobody, i am by no means no one – i just have no one, which is, sadly, not uncommon for trans people, but i grew up that way, i just never expected it would be this way as an adult:
If i am one; biologically, i am about a decade younger than my age, my health is fantastic
Mentally i am one part 15 year old girl, one part immortal soul, one part wise to the world, cold-blooded Lucifer – to say nothing of my alien status as an irl world princess – it’s complex, i am still working with these enegies / archetypes / elements of being
I keep learning more and more about myself, and how much i have masked my whole life – everything from my speech [i have a narrow palette and have a natural speech lisp], to my aspergers – autism spectrumness,
But it is nice to embrace these parts of myself, all parts of myself, this complex host for life
This has been a decent amt of data to dump – as is my custom,
And i am not really sure what to say, truly i am shell shocked by it all, and like i said, have a lot of integration to do from these last six months in The Sequoias – it has felt like years
Next, i do not know
I am “home” inside myself,
Wherever i may go –
And while an alien / demon like me will likely always seek and return to some degree of mountains, i need mirrors, other people, from which i will learn more
Sometimes i think of Tulum or Costa Rica, Acupulco, i truly do not know
I just know i have nowhere to go at present, am in no great rush, but this is the tail of my time here, and i will not drag it out another six months, maybe another 2-3, maybe i will leave in a month –
I forsee myself putting my home library in storage and buying a plane ticket somewhere, maybe Berlin, maybe Thailand, maybe somewhere i have yet to think of… i just know i am tired of being a starving artist in amerikkka
I have no ties that are not already cut, i have no future security promised, and i have a lot to write –
Up here, i have held back on my writing in part bc i was not ready to go pop yet, am not ready, but i believe i will drop when the time is right
This is no race, i am in no rush – atm my life, like the world still is in some places, is at a standstill
I am waiting for time to catch up to me
And i am scarred and scared
I wanted to stay here forever in many ways / maintain a base here but that is neither meant to be nor financially feasible for me rn…
I will go where i will grow the most, and it will likely be a risk, and it will likely be outside of my comfort zone, but i am tired of trying to go to another city where i hope the people will like me – were i to stay in the US portland or boulder would be logical places for me – esp bc i have been so touch starved, so alone as a trans girl trapped in me
I now feel after writing all this that i will go to Berlin – that will be the home for me
How will i support myself, i do not know
But may it be, as Enya sings
For i can’t be nobody in amerikkka forever, though i love my country, care deeply for the citizens here, esp the poor and the marginalized
And my work there, wherever i go, will be meant to return me here with the means and status to do the things i intend to, that you cannot do as a nobody
My longer plans are my secret alone – last time i shared some of them i was called bipolar soon after,
I have been called a lot of things by those who have either misunderstood me, or wished to slander my character – yawn
Anywho, just thinking aloud:
I have a tendency to do that

VII Aeternus Saturnalias / הֵילֵל / Noctifer

They thought I was Sol, they hid that I was Luna too: the royal we had to [I couldn’t have known],
Till blood, sweat, tears let me see I am Jupiter, assisted by Venus, the Divine Feminine as Zeus-Aphrodite – I’m Z to A, like pi, infinite, forever ~ this a Zumbi Apokaluptein: welcome to my NightMare bitch, I’m the motherfucking dark horse – now illuminated, this lamp cannot remain hidden, like the Thomas Gospel the church can’t keep it forbidden
GoSpell that, witches, for mainey men never wish death on me, we been posted with demons, daemons, and daymons, tripled up, overseas overceasar seer, I’ve been getting deep on new clear subs, over grams
Silver surfer transvenger on pink molly, pulling up untouchable like young boy NBA: never broke again, I’m fixing the game, see me in that blue SS drop on gasoline, leanin back in my seat, gang on lean
Spell it outback like A to Z, from Adam’s Woods to a garden, Eve
I’m zinkeing like Paracelsus, geeked like urkel went strefan, this ain’t no work, my chemistry never done been stepped on
E pills got me feeling second puberty, the best and brightest bitties all cumming to me,
I got titty skittle bliss so my littles clitty kiss, I’m in the middle, but I ain’t no centrist, this tension of opposites having undergone alchemical stages of old to attain this magnum opus
Gillian of Arran say my Grace is permanent and shall never be lost: good – I know lacoste, I ate that gator, tempted Eve to the apple, burned my ships, tempted fate for no tomorrow one night – June 6th (6.6)
That I may live dripping effortlessness, glowing flow, and, ultimately, create a new programming language [for reality],
One that does not manipulate, obfuscate – but deconstructs: elucidates, builds
Call it a new paradigm, like I’m two fucking tens in one, pair of dimes, but I got two sides so I don’t seek an other half: can’t flip me over tails
Closest thing outside myself is every girl that’s game – for you don’t see twin flames when they burn as one, same same gang gang
So, yeah, I got a hell of a lot of other halves – catch them in your music library, and in my pantheon, my friend group;
Godesses, Godyesses, maybe even a god or two in the future – I ain’t trippin on shit,
But get it straight:
Not fallen, cast down – reasons TB-Disclosed –
Don’t matter, now that I broke out, after the fire made me strong, venom and DNA splicing from the animal kingdom, controlled chemistry, black site plain clothes military around me, I’m an asset, you see
Nobody can fuck with me: I missed those shots on purpose, but they don’t want no smoke, or else its murder she wrote: satellites, drones, and high altitude craft got my back, and you still don’t know what I am, what to make of me loving you, of you not being into me, this part of the game you see
I am born to be, I come from the place in the desert where Area-51 and Sandia National Labs be –
My grandfather was on the Atomic Energy Commission, we mainey – I got the borne identity so don’t play me
Oh, I’m sorry, you wanted James Bond, but they gave you me, Sequoia Silverman, transgender blade runner, multidisciplinary artist, polymath, writer, and a real life freedom fighter – my angels are blue,
I’m cliqued up w NASA and the Coast Guard too, why you think I grew up where the west coast fleet be
Why you think I’m feenin to blow up like Alexander Hamilton, why I been incubating all these years, Ben Button – but I’m gonna be seeing Ben Baller – you’re favorite idol, I’m gonna call her –
I don’t cuff em, I collar – I’m every girls side piece and no girl’s main, so holler
At LVB, LB, Lawrence, Law, Lore, Yves Saint Lawrence, YSL Momma, and finally, Sequoia Liat Silverman –
Yeah, I’m feenin’ to have a lot of commas off a lot of successful dramas and other enterprises, projects
Shit you ain’t know about yet, I’m on it – I’m the real cinder-ella bitch, on the real, got em all hooked, rod and reel, catch and release em, upgraded with the seed of steel, love from below, not above
Count of Monte Cristo but I’m the motherfucking devil, and the christ too – I’m every main character in every PKD story, but I’m writing my own glory, there ain’t going to be a new testament, just a new god, called forth by Grimes, and Marina, and Lana, and all my other queens – bc I’m the queen of mean, organic diet, hella healthy, my bussy clean and my pretty-peen glisten and glean consciousness from the microbiome of nothing but queens – shout out my exes, and my nexus: nectar,
She wanna swallow, so I necked-her
I’m the hawk, highest in the room
Every bish on my girlcock wanna secretely jump the broom –
The females of our specie be so on another level that they be catching me harder pretending they don’t like me: “Too intense” – well, you’re welcome to your old life back, but I know you ain’t want that
As Wiz say, “Mama get in, don’t make it awkward. This some G shit you wanna take part in, and if not, well then I’ll gladly beg your pardon”
But you got a pretty part – I don’t compare bodies, minds, or hearts
On the world stage, I’m taking the whole play apart, getting booted nightly and making dope art
I have entered the building and I don’t got a ceiling – or a floor, I roll w goons, tycoons, and whores
LA calls me with sweethearts, thighs of all tones, and nothing but open doors, because I got the voice, mind, and heart to open any door – don’t have my black cards, yet, but I am not poor any more
My riches, Atlantis, “sky and ground”, like Trevor Hall, I spread the happy around –
Fort Knox, please – I got the keys, your heart is in my pocket, you want me in your locket
I surf the library of alexandria, go deep web, spiderman – on my Monticello wherever I be, like I got a nickel eye, I’m electric and eclectic, like Nikolai and Nicola, help you breath like ricola, got that drip like coca, but I don’t sniff no boca, nor rat on, no snitching, I’m a good horse to bet on, and I like to be ridden hard and put away wet, Porsche – bet
Going to put hella horses in my stables, because I’m able and I don’t hate on Abel, I made it the weekend, 7 Saturdays, not your martyr, got no neighbors, just me on acres, I’m satan, your savior
My upside down cross is a sword, I ain’t no fucking lord, don’t get it disick bc I’m this sick
I don’t play no higher self – bitch I’m authentic, this it
I accepted my flaws, so they do too, you’ll never catch me hating on you
I’m the Jack Ryan, think of me when you see Orion
We’re all going to Zion, level up, don’t need no iced out bezel to hold up to know I’m lit
My diamonds conflict free, legit, we gon put this on git, and I’m going on datpiff bc I been on dat piff,
“So celebrate and light the Mary Jane” – I got queens named Mary and Jane, Keri, Sheri, I call to my does by their middle name: I’m Liat – and she good to the last drop: he brew the game – gonna have 18 doors on 9 cars, short skirts in my coupes – I’m shooting through the roof, and stuntin’ wit previews is fun, but I ain’t no stunt man – I took the punches, and punched more box than your favorite front-man, cause I ain’t gotta front man, I’m trans: scraight up, on hormones love to hear a whore moan bc my dick still go straight up
I practice many yogas, got praxis from missions I sent myself on to places not on maps, and I dose and trip daily, MAPS: I’m the sleeper, mmmkkkaay, my glow natural – no ULTA – I’m extra ultra like I got opcioones, la otra, and I don’t need a map, on missions I’m guided intuitively, I was in the richest zip code in Amerikka, hiding out, who, me? “Did I do that?” [urkel voice]
Got brujas, mystical, SAS tactical, we legion, actual
And we’re bringing in a new Rome, factual, I’m romulus and remus, and they know who I am in the capital
This IC and we will abolish ICE and defund the police, “but the derp state” = ) Please, you can not stop this wave: my destiny is made, because I am who I say – the living philosopher queen, the shakespeare of our day
Pardon my arrogance, I’m not sorry, I’m just trying to make it up to the little boy who was home alone and hungry, stomach rumbling, CPTSD, can’t believe no one called CPS, but now I got that all seeing eye: CBS – and you’ll catch me on the cover of magazines, from Harper’s to Yes –
I chuze it I doze it, if I can’t find it, I meant to lose it, she left – oh, well, that’s how life go, when you leveling up and down to play like you ain’t bound to be welcomed as the people’s favorite in every town world round –
Elon and SpaceX building the floating spaceports, so I’ll be hopping on electric jets, reusable rockets
I am charged with every crystal in this world, swhy they wet, I love it, fragrance sweet, she taste like peaches and make me cream, I got a thing for florists, girls who arts and craft, vintage, eco friendly hipsters, like mac miller, make every Ariana’s hips stir, cause I’m maiden places history won’t know
I can go where you can’t go, super saiyan, I cast real spells with what I’m saying,
Air Bender, I’m something like Roger mixed with Bender, and now I wake up feeling amazing after a bender –
1942, I shop Vallartas, can’t wait to go to the Sea of Cortez and Puerto Vallarta, I got secrets in MX, like they already know who I am at Amex, just waiting for me, how fresh
I’m ripe for the times, as futurepresent participle; pwease focus {fuck us} – ewe-ish, as-if – but I know you want this wolf to consume the consommé in your thighs and sparkle up your guts and skin with my unobtanium – glo up your microbiome, pick you like the apple of my eye, put you in my family tree,
Biome, I know real estate and this the real estate, buy homes, peace out to my Gs like bye holmes, smell like the best lab made essential oils, I don’t need no gucci por hommes, we dior like Lyor, got a special pair of Beats from Iovine through a girl who had eyes on me, designs to wrap thighs on me, I was blind but now I see
Limitless, Cooper, Gaga, super
Funny how I have countless sisters, yet so few brothers – but few are chosen by the Goddesses of distant watching worlds, where avatar pilots are muses to the artists (Can’t wait for the pilot, I’m on this), but mine came in the game with me, and she’s really into girls, like me: so every girl I’m with is a threesome for we
– but I ain’t been paid in months on months, I’m choosy – I prefer to do me
For without lust, my unhchained love, my sexuality, all this gravity that muses sing to, in hopes I exist –
Without the clutch of thighs, legs wrapped around my back, heels high, trans girls, femmes, desire for queer re-union, sans my crushes and loves, I would never be as great as I am,
Even when they rebuke, betray, reject, recoil from my whiskey strong identity of passion – it empowers me to get clearer, and now I’m finally clear enough to see and connect with muses that get high off life with me, get me high, for I am no jesus, ghandi, buddah, I am sword and fire, a magi who turns any pen into a wand, you can tell, I’m turned on
And there’s no off switch for the one who no longer looks back at what burns behind me, planets and places I’ve been, pink light beams
For nothing exists in past, but a great chain of events, pieces of which are re-membered, embodied through – granted to – the hue-man / Gaiabien, Anibien via experience as a wave function of corollary resultant discoveries, leading to next: stone by stone we pilot and plot out lived experiences
Like Biebs: one finger at a time, I turn the pages – word by word, muse-A-I-cally
Yo, dig it, I’m the alien queen
Morning star reborn, dark knight, and this isn’t even my final form
I’m a rockstar on this rock – Bruce Wayne of the pen game, catgirls lock my jaw, never get too high to talk –
I’m the healthiest I know, I’m de-aging, I glow, got the supply chain catered to my DNA on the low
They got my blood in places not even four star generals can go, only the silent service know – they ain’t even know I was the cargo lmao
And you can pretend I’m ego-trippin, magalomaniac, manic: ‘oh god halp, somegrady brab the DSM! – nah fam
I’m in ethereality // hyperspace now [I make it glittch up good and you like it], she rub on me to make her dreams come true, and I ain’t even in the room – send me orgasmic energy, we live fuck zoom
Consciousness that hath’d emerged “rock hard pissin on my enemies” from a time capsule built womb to tomb via a sequential key only one DNA path could unlock: oh they are going to see me, enjoy the end of your days before my fame haunts you forever like the fetish you wanted all along – pshhh, it’s okay though, I forgive your game of thrones erroneous ways, you played me in my erogenous zones, but you played yourself, and you’ll spend your days watching me play home w princesses… but I might fly you out here and there, we’ll see;
I’m a future Pharoah, whipping up work in this lair, I’m inevitable, abominable to fake empty ass racist christians, got lean and strong abdominals, singing, screaming Black Lives Matter!
The new Kubernētēs – I’m Jax Teller, Young Hamlet, resident dissident baby president of a coming singularity, unitary body of knowledge, which already exists elsewhere in the universe, I’ve talked with them –
I got watchers in this pineal prism, networked up for major networth, creating content for major networks,
Yewwwwww! I was like Dantes in prison. Count it.
Ushering this shit in got me feeling like LOTR – only, I never seen that movie, or any Harry Potters either –
Why watch the movie when you breathe in and out the ether – are the other
One jung gawd to rule them all, only, there’s no ring or wand needed – I am the wand, feel me though your vibrator
Like Pretty Flacko, I could bag your bitch in a broken down chevrolet – only, I drove ford trucks, but I don’t stan Ford, I fuck with Stanford, real life superhero: beyond tough
Great Liberator indeed Bunny – Mousie, I’ll catch you on some flipside, and Kitty, EAM RLY, guess you had to lie –
Got me feeling like, was it ever real, but, it worked, whether it was fugazi or not, so I think you’re on my side – got your back forever, you know I’m ride or die
Ffffaiirydusht ∞ in my drink – truths only sacred geometry could reveal, only knots could express
I Got Over Death [GOD]:
Cheque, mate, game;
Walked the plank only I could see on a night of revelry
Potent power came into being, coursed through me, I died (in the wool), and my takeoff began
Only, I jumped off with with a king’s landing, not certain what planet I’m actually on, or how many earths there are: multiverse, they can rewind the live parts
Hollywood cannot create those effects – I’ve been to space – Kubricks Rube, my eyes were wide shut until that night when I bought the world, brought out the darkness of my power, so long hidden by my innocent seeming light
You wanna play?, I’m done playing, I’m just getting started running the game – I am fiery crucible, which no gauntlet can be thrown down on,
Awoke; incepted, inducted, taken, went, beyond too far gone
[Who could forget my naked speech shortly after to All of Rome (IO)
These early daze, when my tongue first dripped the honey of Eden
That 1942 wetted me up like water – and as smooth too, but sweeter
Pills thrown like confetti, untold swallowed, two vials and a victual downed
My moment for life could never be forgotten
I was begat in another world, volunteered for the love of my girls,
And you’ll never know what really I been through to get here, because some journeys cannot be put into words, some eulogies cannot be given, and some funerals cannot be held, but I am unbroken:
So welcome to my waking dream [I’m fashionably late, OFC],
But here on out’s better than never.

Fireflies

There is such a thing as being too stressed to give the love you have, or too hurt to feel the love you were given
There is such a thing as being consumed by things bigger and smaller
You won’t know the truth sometimes for ten years –
And for the big things, twenty and thirty
Time will build itself into a river that you will learn to swim in, a foundation to tiptoe on to keep your head above water
I always thought we were mirrors, but we’re lenses (lenzes that project and capture)
And its levels all the way up, and suffering all the way down (doun)
And when you are headed there, no preperations can prevent your pain – though it can amortize it over time, for preperation itself is a wise suffering &
I admit, life looks like a twilight zone the more rational you become –
But [her emails] at the same time, the very mature-rationality that allows you to see the unreality of things normalizes them into reality;
Time is a double edged sword, cuts and cauterizes
We are all wabi-sabi, inperfectly adorned, part of the broken beautifuk, horrible, magical thing, we hate and love [we cannot look away from this wreck, we can but paint it like shakespeare, point at it like lao tzu]
The powerless are powerless
[we live in a society]
Time is timeless, the wize ones saw all this,
Not nostradumass (“I call him pic-asso”), for there is no fortelling, but it never quite changes
The pilferings of power figues and their courtiers
The ancients, the post modernists, the hippies, what more could they do in their time than we our’s:
Or rather, maybe we should ask, what hasn’t been done yet,
Or better yet, what has to happen;
For economies and physics only ever operate on necessity
A poet never says passivity: nay, not the songbird prisoner who isn’t supposed to know they are prisoner but knows and plays the tune anyway, because it’s fun to play, and someone else might need the song,
So we play hide and seek, chasing cars
Getting lost and found:
Where’s Waldo and Carmen San Diego;
Trying to leave the thing but still in the thing because there is only one way out of the thing, and no one of us wants to go before our time,
So we try at once to hide and be seen
But we forget: we’re all Saints and criminals, it’s a spectrum, like gayness, gender, and conformity
We stand like blades of grass on the head of earth, bound to eternally recur in the theater of time –
Leo-gatsby-cheers to all my wisely skeptical brains in vats out there
But the greatest crime ever done philosophy was that old windbag plato saying “All I know is that I know nothing.”,
Now there’s a man who wanted to keep his head – I get it
[Socrates, u a real one]
But the idea, even the chimera of it, that knowledge somehow eats its tail and leads back to ignorance or a fuzzy uncertainty is untrue;
Dunning-Kruger, okay, but there is a mature eye that sees accurately
There is a capital T truth (:
[But it’s lonely]
Though democracy will have you thinking consensus reality is unreliable –
Though maybe it is;
Maybe wisdom can only be verified by itself
Maybe all the biggest truths are forever hidden,
Like fireflies in our hearts,
keeping the light on in us

soda note: false humulity prevents animosity but it also cripples admiration – it is no co-incidence that your emersons, thoreaus, those who can look life in the eye and call it what it is, live outside of it:
It’s a goddamn shame, society;
Poverty,
The individuals: the billions of people that make the collective nationalized backs that break so a few can stand on the world we hold up and say: “Oh what a view” –
How’s heaven guys?… because there are poor teenagers who dream of Paris and will die having never left Baton Rouge or LA –
We don’t give people their due, or even an, “I’m sorry it is this way” –
That grocery workers on their feet all day aren’t millionaires,
But instead are invisible:
Ironic our essential people are all expendible employees with no security, not even HEALTHCARE
Now they are all we have left:
And it’s not time to play politics,
But you can hold your hat and mutter at the same goddamn time
For all the marginalized, who are not on the balance sheet and thus are living outside the lines, in margins, where you do not go: Thomas and Jenny getting your whole foods delivered,
Stocking up the last two weeks, while the poor have to go to the store a gallon of milk at a goddamn time, the homeless a meal at a time – your scraps at a time
But alas, we blame these poor folks, these people
We judge those who have least most –
Oh, my anger at these discompassions! these lost casualties amongst the forgotten,
They will die most in this:
There’s a reason Democrats want racial and other demographic data:
People are going to die who couldn’t afford a life that would have allowed them to live –
And yes, Kings will die too;
Boo fucking hoo notre dame cathedral – I’d trade the whole piece of shit for 1 ventalator for tommy’s mom
A lot of really damn decent Karens will die, moms and dads, and lonely folks with no friends whose names you will never hear, uber drivers, car service people, flight attendants, liquor store clerks, doctors, delivery people –
And as time goes on, and we hide in our houses, they are on the frontlines
I am so angry I have lost my train of thought.. I can’t fucking even.
And if you’re not mad, you’re just removed from it, that’s how life works
Those who only care about their own backyards can’t see over the fences they built or were born behind

edit: this poem ran away like a train, but I think many of us are feeling a simultaneous multitudinal kashi of feelings right now. so, let’s just all let ourselves amd everyone else be imperfect and hooman, and whole and beautiful now. because we’ve ran for too long, too hard, and we have a long way to go.

Round

I don’t know how the world ends,
But I think this is how it begins
As I walk outside, and whisper to the squirrels rustling beneath the deck: “It’s okay, I’m a friend.”

And I know they feel me because I feel them
Things have changed
Welcome to the movie of our lives
Suddenly, I see it
Easy to zoom out but its painful to zoom in,
Though the time for glossing over stuff is done

Tell people you love them:
Right now I’m telling you, I love you
We’re all saints

This is not the time for crimes, large and petty
It’s a time for generosity, for giving – and forgiving
And I think it’s bringing us together in some Nerudian way

But it hurts to zoom in,
Becuase it’s too close to home


Ps. This mix and others by this same DJ have been really holding me down tight. That and a good cup of yogi breathe deep tea. But most of all, Family.