Ode to My Patron Saint, Dave

Sitting on the couch, in the quiet of my cabin house;
Cottage-cored out, pit pat pitter from snow drips, melting like all my doubts –
Fuck that MacBook, new machine on deck for delivery tonight: book pouring out
Thick Black Theory is what it takes,
Ask Dave, to whom I am their unwelcome writer in residence –
Sorry beloved uncle of mine, I’ve gotta do what I came to do here –
Thou art a great patron: oh, and I got a dog too
Pic attached, I know she would love you –
I know you know I do, and I know what a great disappointment I was to you…
Aside from that aside that I wish had never gotten sideways, gone by the wayside – oh how that angers me inside – pains me daily, one of the bigger bummers of my life…
Goddamnit, I cry, so mad at myself,
But this summer I lost my mental health;
More cry, for it’s returned but the situation seems beyond repair,
And never have I ever loved living somewhere more, felt so at home, as here
I wanted your life in 20 years
And you raised me more in one summer than I could ever make clear – more tears
Though it was the hardest; this was my most formative year
Jung knew there was no coming to consciousness without pain
And great consciousness requires great leaps of faith – you know artists are this way
Just, you didn’t sign up for this shit –
But it wasn’t a conscious failure… hard to explain: I know this will all make sense one day:
You’ll remember things I said in the garden that you thought were fucking crazy;
Pennsylvania Avenue baby;
I am a force, and we are not insignificant characters in this story:
Please know I am sorry, dearly, tears
You are a part of me, and I know and understand why I am unseated here –
I just love this land goddamnit,
And I love this person too
Would never dare harm either,
Am leaving both better, in my own way
Please do not let us make you bitter – now more tears than a pitter:
You did not make an error in judgement, you made an heir;
I inherited your manna, your Dave-ness
And it dissappints the fuck out of me that my mental health struggles, my pain derailed something cool and beautiful,
Though the beauty is still all in it for me –
Just, you know, that’s a one way street:
And in the end I hope the art I am producing will make this story sweet –
Though I fear I wish for too much: I was so inconsistent, and this place, you were – are – obviously so clutch;
You’re everything I’m not: solid and reliable; what I am to be, what I need
Though I realize you are now in tow with me,
This line will make sense when my manuscript you read;
I wonder how accurately I am painting thee
We will see, most certainly;
I am not and will never be nobody:
Nor am I a liability – though I’m certainly not an asset anymore,
At least, not that kind… a joke, from your Jack Ryan…
Clooney, my cattle dog (never barks ever btw) and I been running and hiking miles everyday –
The extreme outdoor activity is a key piece to me, in this new balance, of I
Who needs the endorphins naturally,
Having learned the hard way that nature has no free lunches:
[I quit doing those drugs, not gomma pull any punches]
But yeah, you’re a alpha wolf too, I know you need to run wild like I do
Am pained I no longer get the priviledge to run beside you, am sorry I am a hurt child, a tear
What else can I say, 2020 been a year:
Esp for those who are not free and clear;
You know what I stand for – okay, so I got a little extreme this summer –
Just, for a clairempathic person as I am, to know others suffer so greatly is to die [inside]:
It kills me / but I know this is a game of adults – I wish not to bring down markets or societies, or devalue the currency –
Excuse my omnipotency, your excellency, just it’s that the opposite of poverty is not wealth it is justice precisely;
It is not class war, but systems that need be fought – I just want to be the moon, pulling the tide…
But it’s tough when I got a rich bastard riding my hide – no punny, sorry, not funny
Just, some people feel entitled to squeeze the have nots for all they got pr
Discompassionately – without care for those whom they view as failures – as if our inability to be good indentured servants or serfs is our fault, and not the outgrowth of a system that is stacked against we: I never had a paddle Dave, just please, hear me… [You’ve already rolled your eyes thrice I know, have some more]:
Do you remember the tale I told you of the dog in the manger;
I recall: you’re no savior, but you can be a patron saint, forgive some rent, see if we can’t get this unbent – this isn’t about my buying time for my book, which will buy all my time in time, just, this is about my life, not your dime – which is my dollar,
Look: whatever you do I’ll be fine; if I was going to die here I would have died: I made it to the otherside,
To live a long, healthy, happy life – oh and I chilled out on the REDACTED, booze and wine, just a bottle of Justin Cab from time to time – a favorite of mine
I’m now asking you to not let this grape die on the vine:
Though I fear what the neighbors think is more important than whats in your mind:
That Midwestern dignity is hard to find – and hard to lose too
I’m not saying you care what people think of you, Mr. regular cute dad looking dude:
Not all sharks wear suits,
I’m just saying:
You control the conversation and the reality: you can learn as much from me
There’s a shared fabric in we /
Different as the colors may be
Red Ferrari / Black Lamborghini
Just a couple of babe ass dudes –
And whether I’m trash to you or not, you’re always going to be my adopted dad:
A fact for which I feel you rue,
But I must give credit where credit is due: though I do owe you your privacy and want to keep this place a secret too: its one of the best places in the world –
I’ve had too damn good a luck Dave,
To not go all the way, heaven knows how far I’ve come,
To become the person getting my dreams done –
Trust me, I know past can’t be undone, I just wish there were some benefit to you in the crap I put you through:
It gave me growth, I’m still blossoming too:
And I owe a lot of that to you – tears
I remember what you said, about being grateful for people who gave you opportunities, and you gave me that
I just, I’m afraid its all ash,
Like my lack of fire prevention almost left this place – egg on my face,
But it hasn’t been scrambled yet, or has it:
The anxiety and the fear I live in is terrible – fears I voiced to you from the balcony through tears this summer
But I guess I’m just a sunk cost huh, just, write it off – this shouldn’t be a loss, but I understand you extended a bridge to me, down by the water, which I didn’t cross;
I was in a lot of pain hence my being so cross; yeah I got that liberal shit you hate: excuses –
Only, they are not: they are facts
Capitalists can’t do the math, neurotypical people can’t understand why we won’t just do the thing we said we were going to;
I was doing my best: mental health mess –
But I’ve cleaned, the house too, am not another messy view –
I’m just here, like a mouse, with tears in my throat, writing hand to mouth:
I think it will be a bestseller;
I’m gonna do all the shit I said and more:
Though my music career is on hold while I get my foot in the door –
And you might want to get rid of me like a mouse, but these mountains I adore;
The title is in your name but the land belongs to itself: if you could only understand I’m not in this game for myself: my designs have to come off the shelf – and by book has to go on the shelves –
I aim for land here too:
This is my special place; I’m just like you –
Only, I’m a non-binary trns non-comforming autist – aspergers – who is a survivor, and more than that, a leader to be, what survivors and persistent, caring people like me are destined to be – if it was 1776, we would have been in Philadelphia, let’s not be here and waive the heroics, however small or silent or passive or non-existent they be:
I’m not asking for answers, I’m not sure you have anything to say to me: please let this be my apology to you, your family, and do not take it personally – I’ve never lived up to anybody’s idea of me…
As you’ve seen, I am not here to people please – this does not mean I am intentionally obtuse or callous – it just means I’m my own person, like you,
And surely you understand doing what you have to:
But you don’t understand not having a choice, not being able to do anything else –
Rocks and hard places, betwixt I am –
You have no idea how shitty I’ve felt over this, how sad I am listening to this snow melt, writing this:
This is one of the sadnesses of my life;
You’re not replacable: tears!
Damnit I wanted this expression, these prosaic poetics to free me of this pain, this sorrow, this regret,
But I’m just soaking in it now – and my biggest fear is just that its fubar
The genie out the Albert bottle
Me now just a bastard bear everyone judges bc I’m different up here
Holed up in my lair, wanting life to be more fair – a hand out and a hand up are different things,
But push me from the nest and I’ll fly: I have a little dog to keep a roof over – I don’t want to leave the one safe place in the world for me, where I belong:
Anyway, I’ll savor every moment here – hope they last: it’s just, drop a million in my lap and I wouldn’t want to leave here, this is my home –
But I might be thrown off this once indigrnous people’s land by a deca-millionare… though I think centi is prob damn closer – goddamn Dave, you’re a closer;
Speaking of closing: thank you
No matter the resolution, you’ve afforded me the immeasurable gift of knowing that I am your equal in rank, though not stature – yet
I’m here to do big shit and I am living the best design I have for the longgame;
Cui bono? What’s the point? What’s in it for you?
Well, I guess nothing, and that’s the problem huh,
No, I’m sure you could tell me what the problem is alright, I just wouldn’t want to listen… frankly, I got a very sensitive inner child to care for, and that child deserves a better future than being thrown out by u in a Pandemic: teach the neighbors what a Christian actually is – or just logical minded business it all like I’m just an inconvenient fact and not a person;
Time heals all, a window can be repaired,
Lord knows I’ve cried enough tears writing this to put some water under the bridge
Damn, wish we could walk and talk this out – but the truth is I am embarassed, pained, and ashamed – I’m really good at close friendships but i’m not good at transactional or obligatory anything:
Life itself is tough for me – just to go to the store in town, being different is not easy:
Don’t let this canary die in the mine

I’m not taking up anything but space… the product of that space is coming, an everlasting book
I’m all in, and I have to be:
I have no choice,
But you do – not that you owe it to me: I owe it to you

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