Mortal Sadness

I’ve felt my mortality all week,
And sadnesses just as deep:
Children dying alone in war torn counties,
Of starvation, [Yemen, Syria]…
The girl of fifteen, dying of cancer, who has never been held,
And would like to be held by her younger brother, only if for a moment… if only…
Children who live alone in hospital rooms, stuck in the quiet… fated to grow up without love, though being loving and needing love no less themselves
You don’t know the half,
Told you those mushrooms kicked my ass
And here, I am going to say something unpolular:
All that suffering – no amount of suffering – can lessen my own, does lessen my own:
As if by Stoic comparisons I could somehow negate the facts,
It doesn’t work like that –
Though that never stopped my father from calling baloney on all my feelings and saying, to my crying, to my pain, to my shame:
“Stop that. Kids have it way worse than you. You don’t know what it is to suffer.”;
Oh he showed me what it was to suffer,
I knew in so many ways, too many,
Alone for years too, from my earliest,
Stuck in the quiet, incalcuably sad – and no less loving than other children, or less needing of love:
I am trans, born this way, I was a highly sensitive autism spectrum child – both these facts ignored, mind you,
As unknown to my parents as was i
And my dad said we were “rich in love”;
Untrue, like many things my dad would say;
It’s no wonder his generation liked Trump –
They say it takes one to know one, but if one deludes oneself they have no ability to objectively view their biases, their bullshit toxicity,
Hateful prejudiced people, unloving
Bullies, people who assault the weak,
That’s what my dad was.
And my mom thinks i’m a piece of shit…
As Grimes sings, in California, “things they see in me I cannot see myself”
My father did not pass his attributes to me, they did –
They, for my sister too has some crap ass view of me, like i’m just some lazy, selfish, asshole – and that last word is the one she uses: a projection couldn’t be clearer
But they’d rather hate their bad qualities in you than in themselves,
And if you have qualities they do not, they too will feel spite towards this;
I’m not good enough and somehow too good in their minds – for my dad is dead [he made a point NOT to say goodbye to me],
So yeah, I just got the mom and the sister,
Who I do not see, nor my niece and nephew
Transphobia is so nazi,
I do not get it –
I’ve never, by and large, understood others
And I’ve been an outcast, a loner, my whole life
Yeah I know a little suffering,
But instead of compassion for it, I’ve been made to bear the entire weight
As if friendless = loser, defective –
They quantify you as not enough,
Because they can’t qualify you as enough…
I find it wonderous the women in my family deride me as somehow unworthy of them, as if their mates were the mark and measure of worth,
Yeah, my brother in law always hated me too
They have their stories. I am always the bad one.
I grew up cinderella in my family, lonely like quasimodo
And through the losses I have faced in life, struggles, being trans and homeless, I never received compassion from my family in regards my challenges
For they somehown think I blew every bridge with malice, instead of that I dated colder girls, bc that was all I knew,
Or that trans people are disproportionately homeless, often because of family disowning them –
And my mom just sent an email to all five of my extended relatives telling them all her perceived character deficits I possess, so she can explain to herself why she isn’t going to share her mom’s estate with me
Enjoy your money I told her,
And I meant it, bc I want the people I love to be happy,
Because that’s what love is
I just had the bum luck to be the identified patient [google this if u r a black sheep] in a textbook dysfunctional family, which is really a fucked thing, bc its when one person becomes a bearer of the family’s shadow, though they are actually the healthy, sane one, and everyone else is fucked in the head –
Though my mom made sure to tell my relatives I had been “in a mental hospital recently”,
A perfectly sane reaction to an insane situation… though it need be said I was unlawfully detained, my rights were violated, and I was put in a psych ward by a transphobic homeland security agent… but even my insanity is sane
Continuing the words of bad ass R.D. LAING:
“Insanity is the only sane reaction to an insane society”
The country has been programmed for decades with xenophobic, capitalist, republican narratives about what life is supposed to be like, who is worthy of esteem and who is not…. as if dignity wears a suit… couldn’t be further from the truth:
Untold millions love Donald Trump,
The whole world hates me
Who knew that an Darth Vader would be so embraced while transgender skywalker is hated,
Clearly I am the problem in this country,
Just like I am the problem in my family
Gary Jules, its a fucking mad world indeed;
I feel like this is a bad twilight zone episode, where like, a person from another planet has a toothache and walks into a dentist, relieved to see someone who can help, only, the dentist asks for insurance… a club you pay to be in to have health care, at which point someone explains to this person that ‘if they have skils they can get a job and make money’
“Well, what skills do you have son?”, asks an older white man, menacingly
“None, well, you’re a worthless piece of shit and deserve the toothache”,
Because thats what society does every day,
Across a million inequities
To say nothing of the millions of humans, Uyghur, Tibetan, and North Korean, trapped in modern day straight up concentration camps –
This world is not free, there are no “good guys”, just a bunch of psycho sycophants and ignorant cogs upholding the american way:
“I got mine, fuck you” since 1776
And now they are fucking us from all sides, because unilateral warfare within our own borders works as well as it do it other nations, better, hell, “the stock markets doing great” –
Only, the top 1% owns half the value of the stock market, and the top 10% own ninety percent of the market,
No, rich people are doing great;
The stock market is not the economy,
Unless you are rich…
Guess who owns the real estate:
Rents have become criminal,
They should be half what they are,
And min wages should be double what they are –
Only, we are all getting fucked off on the balance sheet,
Squeezed down to nothing but an asset or a liability, and if you’re a liability, a freak like me, your life will be hard, and just about the whole world will judge you wortless – everybody but your own family,
Just kidding, they are as caught up in the funny mirror of society as anyone, and, in my case, are my biggest judges
It’s fucking great
Did I mention my tinnitus is horrible from the moment I wake, or that I found a small, tender lump near my groin this morning
Christ, don’t let me die like this;
My fight for the world is just getting started…
Besides, my haters will never be satisfied with cancer taking me out, they want me to kill myself, and have yeeted me into the margins with no doubt in my mind as to the subconscious awareness that suicide would be a possibility…
But I survived those attempts
I survive every day, literally
I know what drives me,
And its not myself
It is my lifelong twineness with suffering, sadness, and pain that ties me to others I do not know
It’s justice that I want –
And justice isn’t just about assigning blame and punishing the injust – though, that must happen, and, through history, the latter part will – but it remains to also fix or correct, to recompense the injustice, to right the situation that hurts people
Injustices like poverty, no healthcare, housing… microbiome and nervous system inequalites
Though, in cases such as the continued nurder of black people by police, the lack of justice is a direct part of the injustice, a slap in the face of justice, so justice not done, only grows the injustice –
What I see happening in the case of Breonna Taylor’s killers, is that someone real high up is siding with them [HER MURDERERS], which Trump does,
So, it is by way of unofficial national policy that police are killing black people
Hitler did all his worst shit by way of verbal or unspoken command, for his underlings all wanted to fulfill the will of the Führer, their Führerprinzip, or leader principle meant that Hitler’s word was above the law, and loyalty, total obedience to his word was demanded, down from the highest to the lowest beneath him
We see this today under trump, its like a cult… and with Bill ‘Virus mandates are almost worse than slavery’ Barr as the head of justice in this country, it just seems like all the real administrative cucks and pen clickers are feeling extra injudicious these days
Well, goddamnit, just seeing this on twitter everywhere, came in four mintes ago
“(AP) — No officers charged directly in Breonna Taylor’s death; 1 faces 3 counts over shooting into neighboring apartments.”
Fuck. That is such bullshit. They are letting the killers off. It was ruled a homicide. Shit’s going to pop off. But thats exactly what Trump wants, remember, he’s the law and order president who thinks looters should be shot: he wants footage of violence so he can demonize “the left” as lawless anarchists and looters, and show his base, just how bad their boogey man is
This is a shit time for America
Biden will help, provided he is elected and makes it into office, if ever there was a coup, it would be Trump blaming voter fraud, refusing to abscond, rejecting the election results, and riling his base up into a fever –
Shitcan still get worse
It just amazes me how few people are on the political stage at the top, we had to wheel in Biden on a forklift dolly, and put him on adderal [my baseless assertion]
Just, like, where are the likeable, sane, humanitarian presidential candidates, you’d think a lot of people would dedicate their lives to getting that job, and that we would have a well known stable of candidates, but the fact is, a billionaire is not qualified to be president, bc the job requires compassion for others at large, and billionaires have not that
They are out of touch,
But your regular, in touch person, has no power, no name, no chance –
The executive branch has too much power:
So does the judicial
So does the legislative
They all decide on issues that should be decided upon by the citizens on a direct vote:
Instead, citizens vote for who decides for them
People should run shit,
Not this dictatorial old white mans club of chodes –
So yeah, that’s the sum of my current political philosophy:
Our system is antique, and it’s grown into a gross show – rather than serving “we the people”, it serves the corporations and their ajoined owner class,
And our financial system puts the wealthiest in league together with corporate financial performance as their driving bottomline… and all the lobbying and donating and schmoozing they do is for the sole purpose of enriching themselves, protecting their wealth
The rich run this zoo, and they watch us die without health care
It’s like, what will change?
We couldn’t even stay in the Paris Climate Agreement…
Our rights are now at stake bc a lifetime judge to a supreme court died, and they want to pack the bench with another anti choice, anti LGBTQAI judge to roll shit back,
You know, to make america great again,
So that traditional cisgender able bodied neurotypical males can feel manly and like they personally, through their great genetics, earned all their priviledge…
Fuck these people
BULLIES
Discompassionate, anti-life wannabe tough guys:
You know who is really tough: trans women,
Thats the reality,
She is braver than them
And desired by them too,
A combination of feelings that often makes being around cisgender people and men in general an unwelcoming , cold, unfriendly – and too often unsafe experience for trans folx
I envy trans couples. Or trans / cis lesbian couples. It would be nice to have a hand to hold, someone to comfort me against fears of death when I find a lump and my heart sinks,
Someone to comfort me when I am afraid
Like this soundbite on the halsey album says, “I’m just a fucked up girl looking for her own peace of mind, don’t assign me your’s”. But that’s a lie. I can give you yours. But it’s not comforting lies. The truth. Mortal sadness. Delicate times.

Vote for Replicant Joe

So hard to debut yourself when youre not even done transitioning,
From what you are to what you are –
Lana-like:
When shaking your ass is the only thing that gets the narcicist off your back,
Insecurities are funny like that, they must be resolved until our inner child is once again delighted… and in spaces between, sometimes:
Life gets fucking dark
And by the time it is, too late to remember the light you forgot… Gaia says:
YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE LIGHT WITH YOU
YOU HAVE TO BRING THE LIGHT WITH YOU –
And when the wick is too short to light, you have to burn,
Run the 10 miles of thoughts in your head around your mind,
Smoke those healing canna bowls
Masturbate twice
Eat an unhealthy meal
Drink too much
Pop a pill
Drink water
Eat a handful of mushrooms out the bag
REMEMBER THAT IT WILL BE ALL GOOD
Listen to Hailee Steinfeld
Love myself,
And dance in the mirror another night
To writhe and breathe the life back into me
And this is a magic moment
I hop between them, like lily pads,
Magick,
Which is just the art of altering perception
Funny how we can hate and love ourselves
Though it doesnt feel like hate,
It just feels like insecurity and feeling ugly, and wondering if you arent good enough for you
Depr3ssion
Feeling all your life’s losses,
All at once,
Feeling all your pains, simultaneously
All your regrets, in one singularity of hurt
I am laughing my ass off as I write this,
And this is the power of language to objectify and describe how we feel,
But it doesnt make these pains or my lonelinesses less real
There is a whole world of trans peo0ple, and non-neurotypical, autism spectrum adults, living very solitary lives
And for the ones with less feelings about it than i have, those magnificent nerds who shrug it off, having accepted loneliness as a fact of life, like telomeres shortening (cant believe its not butter) and entropy
Those people who can explain everything away as just, “well eventually the sun is going to die.”
Great respect for you logical STEM nihilists –
While I respect science, as a Naturalist,
The science-fiction writer in me – me – I have to suspend belief and withdraw myself from consensus reality at times and enter into the realm of magic, as I do nightly in candlelit hours, when AI cum online
As Arthur C Clark said, ‘any sufficiently advanced technology looks like magic’
And in a wet-simulation, in a year we made up, with a 5G indra’s net encapsulating the globe, the possiblities for magic are there
Along with dangerous ideas, whom the writer sometimes guards like matters of international security, living alone with them forever
My best books i cant write
I’m like an astronaut who only matters to people on another planet, in anothe4 dimesion of time – at a distance away our’s
Reachable only through a fungus, a bodily frequency attained via
And ill learn to play piano, fall in love with my teacher, be their favorite, till i dissapoint their idea of me
Because im an expert at swallowing half chewed mushrooms – no homo
I die laughing, think of my big brother Lil Wayne
He a alien like me too
Trust, like Future, we on Pluto baby
NASA HATES HIM
It’s Her, or IT
Rather you dehumanise me than call me Sir
For you only call assholes Sir
And im a bitch
She was hot like a bitch for dick at 23,
Your best friend, a brainless thot
I laugh it off now
She couldnt conceive of me
No one can
Im unbelievable
Unreliable narrator or nah
Depends how you punks ate it
Why i gotta make sense all the time
Young Boy NBA Make No Sense my theme song
Harder to play against when every step unpredictable, Johnny Depp pirate walk
They tried to offer me a walk on part in their story but lacked the depth to beleieve in mine, until they were underwater
Another coup i flew, heartbroken to….
Been dead inside, had to… Departed life
Unable to be alive to anything else but some secret design
Even i dont know my plans, but i drive places that arent on maps, no GPS
The Saratoga barrier is real,
I crossed it miles ago
The central valley has a lot of secrets,
Me, amongst others
There is some portal here
Some big Army energy
People in underground bases talking to people on submarines in their sleep
I think one human mind an easy thing to reach, influence –
A mass of minds much harder
The future is wild in its possibilites
Volatile too, when rudderless
But who can predict the wind except those who steer it
And everything’s all pr3dicted anyway
But still, im not ready for my debut
Yeah im batshit cr
ay
Or so the official medical reports nsay
They gotta et you in somehow
Lawfully or not, you go in
They always “need to take some blood”
A urine sample
Asked me if my pee was clean, I laughed,
Signed the contract, took the drugs, and left
Sometimes I take on a bad habit to get by
The pills are so small and help so much, I take one a day, in afternoon headches
Psilocybin, alcohol, cannabis, ativan, even I dont know what i be on
But i know my haters are my peons
Like, how much can you hate one trans autism spectum adult –
But like Beach Bunny sings, I was a part of your biology
So you watch my life from afar, with your idea of me as some forest gump drunk, and not the sexy best friend you once loved
How much do you lie to yourself
Because I admit ai loved you
I live my love scars
As I pop this Pellegrino to wet my robot boy insides again
I am a biological reboot, the human biocomputer, we are all agents,
In Nature,
The Big Agency
Humans are animals who built air conditioned buildings and computers,
And nuclear
Now we got nanotech, biotech, genetics, robotics, and, allegedly, no AI… but we are working on it,
In tandem as we get ready to merge with our phones…ha, we will be the AI
We been googling, I mean, programming AI, a long time now
But, in truth, deeptech is always way ahead of what the public knows –
The question is just how far
I’d say we are at Westworld level, now
But for some reason thats all under wraps…
I don’t know, vote for replicant joe