Adam and Noelle

smoking bowls in the back of adam’s jeep
i wanted his hair, his confidence;
i wanted noelle, who was in the front seat:
that fair, short bleached-blond hair, lip glossed, pop-punk princess,
my 2001 teen dream,
yeah, that crush was a one way street…
but i can still smell her body spray, cotton candy, i want it
and i can still see the aqua diamond stud piercing, high on her ear, ima get it –
her plastic raver bracelets, black eyeliner
she was swag as fuck,
and so was adam, with his JL subs
we three bouncing souls singing to true believer and no comply, passing the bubbler, carefree and high…
they were my friends,
till we lost touch… maybe jealousy, or immaturity, or summer was over… I dunno, people come and go, that’s not the point: it was just dope as fuck,
when adam and noelle would drive to the coast, to come pick me up,
to stay out late and get lit AF…
with this kid who didn’t even think he was cool enough

Oh Einstein

Oh Einstein
I miss you buddy boy;
We had some real adventures in our day,
Out there in our woods
All those walks,
The hugs I would give you, the talks
Taking you to my house for treats,
Giving you yogurt for your gut
All the rabbits and coyotes we spotted, chased off
All the times we got lost on ungodly long hikes,
Nothing but trees in sight,
The sun going down
Then coming in and sitting on the couch with you laying at my feet

Goddamn I loved this fucking dog:
Hope I see him again

He’s a legend, a part of me and my love for animals forever, Einstein, dearest buddy to Wolf Waldo, best friend;
Like a Fifi or a Soso… only I don’t think of them all too often because I don’t think I’ll see them again… pain… shame…

Yeah, there’s a real sad boy here, to whom I am the momma of – and he loves dogs, like,
Was practically raised by wolves,
Well, Jake – but still,
I love animals like the highly sensitive child I am
But I haven’t seen my animal friends in a long time

Wish I was going to go surprise Einstein today;
What more can I say
We went for miles and miles and miles

But

Poetry shit
Life rich
Hippocrite bitch
Sad vibe
Calm blood
Yuppie Hippie…
Devil may,
I don’t –
Am free:
Time saved,
Single years
Here now
Genius really
Poor me
Oh wait
Getting over
Growing older
New feels
No fear
Hunger burn
Watch me
Unconscious, 3D
Soft chest
Treasured best
Self love
Big struggle
Long coming
Many months,
No hugs
Cold heart
Zero fucks
Given me
But NBD
I’m me.

That Moment

That moment when you realize you will always have to have sex with you,
likke, you’ll have partners, but still, you’re going to be the one interacting via your body –
If you wanna have girlgasms, go for it
Fuck the patriarchy
She can eat the cookie,
Glandulars
Hehe
I crack myself up,
Can I date me and love me, as much as I have loved others unconditionally
It’s funny, bc I’m becoming something better than a girl to me,
I’m becoming my idea of a girl,
My anima
My soul
My self
Actualized,
Really out there in the world

I’m gonna be like such an alien,
I’m gonna be eating big ass salads in the mirror, just out here really trying to take good care of a girl

It’s POIFECT.

Twin Twin

It’s a paranoid android day
And I hate everything I write [here]
Because unlike my fiction, my feelings are true
So these bottles float away, with messages of pain
No more swallowing hopes,
Though, I’ve lost it without

Exes, this loners’ are unfriendly
And I’m obsessed
Loving the boy inside
Letting the anima out
There’s more to life than what I write

And things are happening;
Though, she’ll never forgive me
They’re a monolith now
All “She” “Her”, different sides of one soul

So it’s time for Sophia
The highest,
The deepest within

I am become my own
No more contests with fate

I’m’a be okay.

Of What Can Never Die

I dreamt of Bunny Waters [nee?] last night:
She sent me a text with a horse emoji saying she was having ‘a dog of a time in life’,
Then – as suddenly as happens in dreams – she was there with me,
And I saw her, kissed her face,
Melted, hugged her good, and felt her love return to me in ways that let me wake aglow…
Even if I subsequently fell with the sun…

I wax and wane, but I never forgot her, never enjoyed the eternal sunshine of the spotless kind with her, as I did with the others – as I pray to with the last;
No, I never wanted to forget my Shannon, for I never felt completely hated by her:
Never felt she meant to or ever wanted to hurt me, we were equals in that sense
So years later – now – her spirit, her heart are strong and alive in me,
Animating me in myriad innocent affectations,
In wholesome utterances and mannerisms, numerous and neverending,
I have remained smally her’s

Thus this solitary wolf mom,
Feels mists of a vapor, a trailing warmth, and a real love,
From one for whom they no longer exist –
Though she likely knew I would be the biographer, the torch bearer; ouch
Thankfully, I’m mad as a fucking hatter,
And she still brings me joy, even in her absence – and sometimes because of it 😝💜💜
For I am also grateful for her abject coldness toward me at the end,
Without which, I would never have been able to bear missing her

I am glad winters fade and summers grow, that stars die and supernovas bloom
Funny it is: persons as seasons, as planetary energies destined to orbit us
If only I could nuke the last one away,
Whose animus I can feel….
But at least –
Even if via dream,
Some memory, some living parcel of my soul has reflected a smile back upon me,
Who has been so long without one

Just to be reminded of the joy of love,
Of what can never die

Some Music Feb 2020

Tonight, while on a long walk to an old haunt, I found myself singing softly to myself, as I often do when I don’t have headphones on.  And while I sang a good handful of songs, from Teegan and Sarah to 2006 OG Kanye, the following are the songs that really held me down on my long singalong walk, wherein I returned to places I never really left:

Beach Bunny, Prom Queen

“I’m no quick curl Barbie.” And while this may just be a song that stays with me for a time, as others have, it is nonetheless serving its purpose.

Also, the bridge from Painkiller is amazing:

Take me to the hospital
I need Paracetamol
Tramadol, Ketamine
I just need some pain relief

Clairo, Alewife

This album was a fucking vibe and it still is. I’m choking up, listening to this now, thinking of all the feels I’ve been through on this song the last six months.

The National, Pink Rabbits

“You didn’t see me I was falling apart. I was a white girl in a crowd of white girls in the park.”

While this album is dangerously twine with some of my deepest depression, it nonetheless continues to comfort me. Before Pink Rabbits, the song I most recently have vibed to has been Slipped.

I also found myself singing to, and being comforted by, Dope Lemon’s Fucked Things Up:

Other than that, Grimes has my attention lately, with her releases from her upcoming Miss Anthropocene (Feb 21).

On a similar alien-girl vibe: FKA Twigs’ Mary Magdalene album has remained steady in my rotation, for damn good reason.

Lastly, if you need something to sleep to, I always return to Benjamin Francis Leftwich’s Last Smoke Before the Snowstorm or the ever perfect Post Tropical, from James Vincent McMorrow. Both pair excellent with soft rain in the background. This is basically my white noise anti-anxiety recipe.

All this said, I love you and I miss you all. I hope these songs find you.

Also, if anyone has any good music to share, please comment or msg me, I’d love to hear it.

And, just so I can cry a few tiny little precious tears, I wanna show some love for Mark Knopfler’s Romeo and Juliet.  I’ll post more old one’s soon.

xo – YSLMOMMA

The High Tide Wife

Teach me how to be okay
I feel like I’ve got 10 years left until we’re thirty-five

Like, Yves, we’ll figure it out,
On the downhill side of life

I’m an anime full moon, sadness
I’m a lonely high tide, always

Doesn’t rhyme but it follows;
Madness

Sometimes puts me on on the spin cycle,
Life; The Bermuda Triangle, You…

Alas…
… The Sad kills,

So keep cozy with self;
Don’t hang happy on love

We’re all our own kind of special,
Trapped in this pink matter forever

There’s harder lives than low self-esteem in California,
Than the sharks, les autres

Learn how to be okay, alone;
You’re gonna be the high tide wife anyway

May as well be okay
Be responsible for you one day

#

“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”
― Mark Twain

“You have power over your thoughts – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”
― Marcus Aurelius