it’s that time to feel free;
so I fasted, cooked a cactus
“it’s the only way to fly”
might watch the trilogy
t minus ninety, and I’m coming up @ 6:16 am;
yeah, we would have never worked,
i’m too me, but I wish we would have been friends,
sad for that fact
“do you want me, just how I am”,
bless you Dope Lemon;
wish I was Angus Stone, but I can’t be a smooth big cat:
blowing coke and pulling corks ain’t my bag –
give me some 2CB, for this alky, psychedelics are my whiskey,
and I can’t read the word whiskey without that damn Steinbeck character, “whiskey, whiskey?”
oh I remember my days in Hermosa Beach, listening to John Mayer’s “whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, water… yadda, yadda, sleep”… yeah fuck me twenty whatever sucked;
clearly alcohol gave me PTSD
so now I only take proper drugs and smoke a lotta weed,
DJ Taz Rashid please;
light one
I walk a tight one, my exes will always judge me, even if it is just as “unimportant”
so I’m here to write one:
what fear I, future dead guy
like is she gonna leave again after I die,
or am I brave enough to live through my fears while I’m alive,
including being persona-non-grata-dickhead or whatever the fuck you call people you won’t call your people
it is what it is, I am alive and I’m no longer a kid – I was the baddie – I get it
sarah’s just not a write off I’m prepared to take, but who am I to kid:
it wasn’t my decision to make
i have to live as the bad guy in her life, babe that ain’t – fuck that …
but I guess it’s new to me: to be on my own side,
without she who was such a great ally
trans lawrence could have used a good friend or seven or just one like you …
but I am finally my own friend
my vibe healthier than its ever been, I am deep-breath-new-age-man
6:47 am…
i got the girls on my mind, all the time.
but I’m haunted by her version of me,
its silent brutality
so I call my siblings up, my sister and my mom, to remember who I am… cause she forgot
nice weed delivery man
The nicest man came to my abode,
total ENT
god, do I watch lord of the rings today
waterworks
Did you know you were gonna haunt me for good or was that your plan….👽🌵🍓… tho, in truth, I fear-hear you saying, “oh I could care less” about me, before crunching down on a mouthfull of chips or perhaps rolling your eyes, or maybe smacking your beautiful lips down in some judgement, dusting the tortilla chip crumbs off your capable pretty hands
dusting me
the wound you left me: the belief that I wasn’t good enough to know you,
your gift of vitriol, all for me
… how fucking nice that was
and now my best friend my enemy
so I can cry when I walk one dog and tell him about a dog named bubba who used to live in the house across the street… then reminded of us four:
I had a literal dogpile of love around me, and I was miserable;
well fuck you,
because I hate me too –
you were my Julia Stone.
waterworks
like how tf do I even cry like that
the real self pity
I am so so sorry for myself, for all the years I grew up believing crying was a weakness, and for the untold flood, which has hidden behind my face for 34 years, fucking let the rain fall ☔️
tbh
tbh, the best advice I ever received was from a woman of color, while staying in a psychiatric hospital where she worked… I asked her: “is everything going to work out?” And she told me, “It will work out if you think it will work out.”
…
postscript equestrian fodder from your gossip column writing aunt
Even Elon Musk would rather be an optimist and be wrong than be a pessimist and be right. Good horses to bet on, those optimists.
hatesies
Somewhere there is someone who is supposed to hates me who loves me and I love you too especially when I imagine you are _______________. The lust is a vibe, but you’ll let it die on the vine…. once, once a girl came out and told me she liked me (Leigh Ann Carmody). Could it happen once or twice more before I die… please lort, jesus I am asking you why … but, shiiitt, either way I’m gravy, she either loves me or I have a fantasy…. the risk of spoiling which is probably too priceless, our secret energy, worth as much to you as to me, fuck I am in deep, but it’s a fun, harmless rabbit hole … though you’ll recognize yourself one day, if I can ever make two characters have the hatesies so good for each other, you would never imagine I think about you, or maybe you do
lord shit
last one’s for my self,
because, she deserves it, he, they-them, whatever you want to apply to try and quantify this human animal that I am – and maybe I’ll always go back and forth, but she gave me the courage to be a dyke, and lord shit am I
