Residual

https://soundcloud.com/kubilay-uner/big-sur-end-title

For what woe go I –
For what woe go I unto the day?

The day’s heat –
A hot sun,
The sun sets, the day is done

For woe too ceases in due course,
But as the eye of heaven shines too hot,
So too does woe steal the day’s splendor through it’s might

Woe’s reign is cruel and unbending
For woe’s wrath – as the suns – as merciless and unending

We’re all looking for good girls
We’re all looking for good guys
But it’s all a guise,
For who does not wear a disguise

Will I ever be young again
Will I ever explore the world with someone again?
Will I ever love again?

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Homefree

They told me home is where the heart is,
So I roamed the world homeless and broken-hearted

One person,
You can let one person destroy you

But that’s not all there is to life –

For tonight I found myself under a rain splatted roof,
Unsure and at ill-ease

And no sooner had this feeling befallen me,
Than I had a vision:
Our Ancestors, under a night-sky – Wild, Scared, Free

And this gave me a memory,
A knowing deep in my bones –
A feeling that the world Itself was to be my home

And the ancients spoke, speaking:
“If you do not make yourself home in the world now, you will never.”

So tonight
I am alone –
But I am home

For ‘tho it may be just me –
I know right here,
This is as home as I’ll ever be

So, if you’re reading this now, know,
You are Home,
You are Free

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Part Dos

How could you not have anxiety in this society –

Two million advertisements telling you to buy this and you’ll be okay –
Buy this and you’ll be liked too

But no, Dear Boy,
You’ve been lied to

The horses do not whirr in the wind,
The city breeze catches no daisies,
And the old men do not smile and laugh at the cafe

Yes,
The whole world has changed

And me –
Yes, what of you?
Hmmph
I was in love once too –
Okay, twice

But it’s been a long time,
It’s been a long time since somebody loved you –

I had a place in the world once though –
I had a home

I was young and perfect,
And she loved me –

Boy did she love me.

Part Dos

So where is she now
– Where is she now.

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Dear Boy

You’ve been searching for signs,
Looking to the colors in her eyes to see if you can find the missing pieces of your life

Because you know –

There is a song in your heart that no one else knows
And there’s a place in your soul where you rarely ever go
There is a sense of longing here;

A yearning for love
For the sweetest lust,
The great adventure;
The One True Romance

This is the sound of silence,
This is the unrelenting beckoning towards the unknown
Dear Boy,
This is the calling of a life that’s truer and closer to all you know

This is what the Siren’s call sounds like

She says:

Dear boy –
There is a rich inner world that you’re not living –
And there’s so much more to love than what you’ve been given
So don’t lie to me and say you’re not dreaming of a connection deep enough to cross this valley

The Siren’s call tells you that the inseparable distance between your dreams and her desires is closer than it seems

And this is space where you lie
And in public moments you tell yourself she is the one
Or perhaps you tell yourself She WAS the bridge and it’s been burned now
And in private moments you know

Because the Siren’s call promises so much

But Dear Brother,
She lives in you
Just as you will live in her forever
She is every woman
She is the beauty of your soul

Even the dark parts and the scars

###

Author note:

This was a difficult poem to write. It was difficult because it felt too close to the bone. And it sat in the cloud for two days unpublished. But tonight I found myself in an interesting introspection; I found myself thinking about artistic integrity, which quite frankly made me picture the visage of Taylor Swift or someone else equally ironic in the same conundrum. An artist in the most ironic quandary an artist can be in – and It goes something like this: “well, I want to express my art but I don’t know how much I can expose myself / but I’m also obligated to give this saying of truth.”

This is all somewhat of a moot point now obviously, since I did publish it, but nonetheless insecurity was a large afterthought; however, I’m reminded of Joseph Cambell’s words that “the treasure we seek lies in the cave we fear to enter”, and this certainly would define the last year of my life. There’s been a theme of facing darkness. And that’s okay.

That’s okay.

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A Pum Pum

Pum-pum,
Barum pa-pum

Soft and nervous,
Pum-pum
The heart scurries beneath the confines of your chest
Fearfully fleeing like a field mouse,
The pulse is at a Gazelle’s pace
And the mind gives it’s chase,
Pushing thoughts and words automatic

Rolling the wagon on down the hillside,
Fear pushing on down
Down towards to the unknown
Far, far from home

Pum-pum
Faint and frightening
Beating off-beat with the eerie jeer of enemy canon fire off the family coast,
A-pum pum-pum

You try and sigh but the enemy is at the gate
So you breathe breathe breathe
But you’re seething fear –
Pum-pum,
Lungs tight as calf-skin drum
Pum-pum

We all feel –
Pum-pum

We all feel it
And that’s okay
It’s okay,
We all feel a pum pum
It’s just a pum pum
It’s okay,
It’s only a pum pum

It’s only a pum pum
…sleep now
It’s okay
It’s okay
It’s okay…
Sleep now

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D.O.T.D.K

This dock
It’s run through my life like a river

Spent every day in the summer of ’94 on it’s end
Treble hook in hand,
Hands trembling,
Squeezing bits of white bread together – bait for my bait,
Catching Smelt by hand,
Should have smelled my hands
Pulling Mussels off the pilings
Orange and black and slimy
(Took me 10 years before I could eat one in Gumbo or Paella)
I was 10 years old
Didn’t do much but feed the local baitfish back then; although I once caught a Halibut on a borrowed sardine from the bait well of a cabin cruiser
I yelled “Hook Up!”
And the old man from Jaws himself hopped to from boat to dock and helped me land it –
Eighteen-and-a-half inches,
Three point five short of legal
It was still the best day of my life
I ran home and told my parents
We barbecued hamburgers in celebration

Two years later I would be back on this dock,
Taking out a fourteen foot Capri sloop for a quick loop while the watersports boss looked on,
I told him I could sail –
In truth I had learned most from books – I had read every single book on sailing in my school’s library that year – even Kon-Tiki –
Luckily a neighbor’s 16.5 Hobie Cat had filled in where books couldn’t,
I knew how to tack,
And a tiller felt much more natural in my hands than a fishing pole ever had
I spent the next two summers teaching sailing,
In my salt water dyed khaki shorts and an aqua marine polo shirt, I loved every day at work

This would also be the stage for my first romances
My breath stops just thinking about those German eyes,
As pretty as a model ever was
Or the healthy boobs and thighs of a girl for whom I had returned after work in my swim trunks to sneak in the resort’s jacuzzi with,
I wonder if she remembers the boat rental boy
Kissing her in the hot tub was better than Disneyland –
I was 14 and there wasn’t a better place in the world for a boy to come of age

Four years later I was on my first leave –
The sailor boy had joined the Navy –
My crazy best friend of course had some girls who wanted to hang out –
I remember the moment I saw her
She was in the back seat and I stood at the window
It was probably instant
We walked from the valet through the lobby and to the dock
She had no chance –
I was the Navy Boy who had taught sailing
In ripped light-blue Diesel jeans and a white T
I was 18 years old
Sipping SoCo and singing Someday to her as we walked on the sand
I know the exact spot
“In many ways, we’ll miss the good ‘ol days – someday, someday”
– Prophetic words

For I did miss them four and a half years later when we broke up –
I used to come here alone at night,
G-d I missed everything so much
But we came back when we got back together two and a half years later
I took her to dinner at the hotel and we went out on the William D. Evans afterwards
I was 24 and back madly in love

And I’ve been here a time or three since
A booze cruise or two
And now I’m back here alone –
I’m 29
Writing this on my phone
Sitting on the walkway before the locked gates
Looking back on my fate
So thankful for this beautiful damn little boat dock

I don’t know what the future holds
But I know this dock will be here for me
Waiting for me to tie up to it
And I know it will all be okay
Because there’s still magic left in this dock
And there’s still magic left in these bones
So I’ll leave knowing I’ll be back to claim the dreams I planted as a boy
Dreams only this dock knows

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